Note: This is satirical, in case you happen to have a lightly salted cashew nut for a brain.
As an avid traveler to many parts of the world, including the United States of America, I feel it is my duty to assist my colonial and corpulent brethren from across the pond in their trips to the wonderful continent of Europe. You see, most Americans don’t travel overseas and never leave the comfort of their grease-soaked lives in the good ol’ US of A. But the ones that do decide to expand their horizons past their star-spangled diets of fatty foods, tedious games of baseball, mass murdering schoolchildren and in more southern parts of the country, depraved coitus with close siblings in barns, need to be embraced for opening their minds and wanting to see the world.
Which is why I have constructed a helpful list of tips for those globetrotting Yanks that choose to explore the history, culture and atmosphere of the sexiest continent in the world. So to any American readers, enjoy the advice I have kindly bestowed below, and then set forth on your journey, prepared, enlightened, and ready to tackle anything those wacky Europeans can throw at you.
-Always wear the proper attire there, as Europeans are fond of American fashion sense. This consists of a baseball cap, oversized fanny pack, Hawaiian shirt, camera around the shoulders, flip flops and white socks, and baggy shorts (even in winter). These clothes should be worn at all times, including when at a restaurant. Never take off your baseball cap, even when indoors.
-When walking the streets of busy European cities, it is preferable to do so in large groups. Europeans enjoy seeing Americans ambling along the street like a herd of boisterous buffalo, and enjoy being forced to the side of your oncoming stampede.
-It is advisable to heartily chant “USA! USA! USA!” when around Europeans. They will appreciate your proud patriotism and bow their heads in reverence to your enchanting American charm.
-Be careful when asking Europeans for directions. They don’t understand the concept of blocks. Some of them are such primitive savages that they don’t even speak American! When this occurs, it is wise to simply increase the volume of your question to the point of shouting. Eventually the backwards European will understand and gladly point you towards the nearest McDonalds or Starbucks.
-Stop random strangers in the street and insist on showing them your extensive photo collection of close family members, including your sons, daughters, nephews and nieces, as well as giving them a thorough explanation as to their college sports achievements. The Europeans will be glad to stop whatever their doing and invest their time in listening to you.
-Share your religious and political views with as many people as possible, even if the conversation to that point has nothing to do with either, and especially if you happen to be a staunch conservative and fanatical Christian. Europeans love to be lectured on why America is always right, and react fondly to extreme right wing views and being taught about Jesus.
-The food in Europe is terrible. You may have trouble finding an XL quadruple cheeseburger or caramel banana pecan hotcakes. Thankfully in the major cities some of the Europeans have come to their senses and provided numerous McDonalds and Burger Kings, bastions of quality food. They don’t have Dairy Queens though, the Neanderthals!
-When at a restaurant, feel free to use your hands rather than the snobbish, unnecessary cutlery provided for you. Also, the portions there are incredibly small. It’s no wonder that the Europeans are so dangerously skinny. Do not be afraid to inform the waiter you want your meal “supersized”. The chef will gladly oblige and triple your food.
-When ordering food, watch the waiters and chefs like a hawk. Wander into the kitchen and examine the food as its being cooked if necessary, because the Europeans have a disgusting tendency to spit in it. They’re a backwards people.
-When ordering beer, make sure not to drink the foul booze the Europeans have. If you order European beer by mistake, simply add a litre of water to it and it will taste just like the beer you get back at home.
-When a game of American football is on, waltz into any nearby pub and change the channel on the bar’s television screen until you find ESPN showing the game, especially if the pub’s inhabitants are already watching a soccer match. The patrons won’t mind, and will appreciate you showing them the superior sport that only Americans watch, as opposed to the world’s most popular sport soccer, which for some reason they call “football”.
-Do likewise if baseball is on. If they complain and say this isn’t America so they shouldn’t watch an American sport, explain to them that baseball is the “World Series” and therefore a global event.
-When you see poor people or Europeans less fortunate than you, instantly take photographs of them. Sometimes it’s good for your partner to take a photo while you pose with the poverty-stricken individual. They won’t begrudge you for this. In fact, they’ll be happy that a wonderful American has enriched their lives with a moment of your vivid culture.
-Greet every European with a hearty backslap and a “how’s it going, buddy?” at the top of your voice, even if you’ve never met them before. Europeans love American friendliness.
-If you pass a European college, take a short visit inside armed with a megaphone and explain to the students the importance of Christian teaching in their education. They will appreciate the advice and instantly convert to Christianity.
-Never switch on European news unless you can find an American station, preferably Fox News. European news stations tend to skew the truth and pretend that America is somehow wrong in spreading freedom to the world through destruction and death. Some of these Europeans don’t even realize that America is the savior of the world.
-Never feel uncomfortable about laughing at the top of your voice when a European tries to speak English. Some Europeans sound like dribbling retards when doing so, and they will have no problem with you openly mocking them as they struggle to speak a foreign language, to you, in their own country.
-When in London, ask every English person you see if they personally know the Queen, particularly in some of the more deprived areas, such as Peckham and Bermondsey. Chances are, they meet with her regularly.
-European women are mostly savages. They refuse to shave their legs and armpits, and some don’t even wear bra’s. It is advisable to avoid eye contact with them.
-If you see an elderly person standing in front of you in a line to a public bathroom, aggressively push them out of the way and stand in front of them. If they take offence to this, kindly inform them that the Americans won the war for them and so you can do whatever you want. They will instantly agree and step aside.
-When on one of Europe’s many beautiful beaches, if you see a topless woman sunbathing, make sure to cover her up with a towel and explain to her that Jesus Christ doesn’t approve of partial nudity. She’ll appreciate your Christian family values and will quickly put on her bikini top.
And there you have it, my American friends. Discard your travel guides, for this is all you need for an enriching and enjoyable experience in Europe. Have fun!