Posts Tagged ‘Steven Seagal on twitter’

Steven Seagal on Twitter.

March 31, 2011 3 comments

Ah, social networking. How I loathe thee. Nothing screams out “I’m a cunt, look at me!” more than the online narcissism of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter et al. A vain, asinine generation obsessed with themselves and their own mundane lives. Of course, dear reader, you may be thinking I’m displaying colossal hypocrisy by writing about myself, in a way, but blogging is different. On a blog, I’m not desperately trying to accumulate an ever expanding ‘friends list’ while simultaneously promulgating to the world that I just “ate some grapes lololol”.

There’s more chance of Christopher Reeves family deciding to take up equestrianism than me ever having a Facebook account. The closest I will ever get to it is if I find out where Mark Zuckerberg lives, break into his opulent mansion and force a malfunctioning Macbook up his multi-million dollar anus. However, maybe I’m being too harsh on Twitter. When it comes to your average everyday nobody tweeting such compelling and thought provoking messages as “I just scratched by balls” and “Charlie Sheen is mad, lol” then I’m justified in my contempt for the concept, but when an interesting celebrity or someone you’re a fan of tweets, it can provide a window into their lives without you having to resort to deranged stalking. And for the record, when I was caught up that tree outside Jessica Alba’s house, I was bird-watching. And my erection was accidental. The cops got it all wrong.

So when I found out that morbidly obese bigamist and action legend Steven Seagal had gone on to Twitter, I suspended all scorn and basked in all the insight that only an delusional Aikido master and egocentric sex slave trafficker could give.

Seagal never met a burger he didnt like.

These nuggets of wisdom only lasted a day, and since it was posted, it’s been taken down. Fortunately for you, I copied and pasted those badboys for your reading pleasure, and present them to you here. Enjoy.

I’m currently on set in Romania for my latest movie ‘Out To Kill Justice’. It’s a 3 week shoot, so naturally I’m only needed on set for 2 days.
About 22 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

I’m sitting in my trailer and I’m not leaving until my demands are met. It was written in my contract that a luxurious throne would be constructed in the middle of the set for me to sit on while small Asian women wash my feet. I don’t see either. It’s an outrage.

About 21 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

These pricks finally got me what I asked for, and I just finished filming a strenuous fight scene. I had to walk all the way over to the other side of the set for a close-up so my stunt double could do all the fighting. I’m exhausted.

About 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

More problems. Apparently the director doesn’t appreciate my improv. It’s not my fault-I haven’t actually read the script. This movie could be about Nazi pedophiles for all I know. Even if I play Hitler I refuse to die though.

About 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

I just looked over the script for the first time. I’ve given it a quick, badly needed rewrite. My character now wears a do-rag and talks ebonics. I wonder why they wrote me as a white character first? Crazy Honkys. I’ve also added 4 sex scenes and lectured the actresses on the importance of authenticity.

About 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

One of the actresses has stormed off the set accusing me of rape. All I did was feel around her breasts to make sure she didn’t have any lumps. So much for gratitude, the cunt!

About 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

I’m done with this movie. Either the director goes, or I go. Can you believe this fuck just asked me to receive a solitary punch in one of the fight scenes? Doesn’t he realize I’m a reincarnated demigod?

About 16 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

Me and my bodyguards left the set to go and find food. I’m in Burger King and I’m ready to rock. This could get messy.

About 15 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

Some snot-nosed little punk tried asking me for my autograph while I was lining up for my fifth Triple Whopper. One of my bodyguards pushed him to the ground, but really I defeated him with my ki-power.

About 15 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

This old bitch behind me moaned about all the snorting and grunting I made while eating and complained to the manager. They demanded I leave! But I stole a ketchup satchel on the way out, so I got the last laugh!

About 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

I saw a poster for Van Damme on a wall. I hate that guy. I taught Anderson Silva how to kick. What’s that fag ever done?

About 13 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

On my way to McDonalds now. It’s a windy day and my wig just fell off, so one of my bodyguards killed a skunk and I’m using that instead. Can’t tell the difference.

About 13 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

Just consumed my 12’th Big Mac and fries. I feel uncomfortably bloated. I haven’t felt this bad since one of my sex slaves discovered I have lactating nipples.

About 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

I’m in the bathroom having a shit. I don’t know what’s worse, the smell of my putrid feces or the stench of all the aromatherapy oils I’ve got on the shelves. This is hell. If I run out of toilet paper I’ll have to use one of my Aikido belts to wipe my ass.

About 10 hours ago via web

I’m still sitting on the toilet. I’m starting to regret that last double cheeseburger now. Shit will literally not stop hurtling out of my ass. Will this terror ever end?

About 9 hours ago via web

I’ve been sitting on the toilet now for over 3 hours. My asshole feels raw and my thighs are plastered to the seat. I can’t feel my legs anymore. Somebody help me. Please.

About 7 hours ago via web

Enlightening stuff, huh? And to think I was against Twitter…