This is the second installment in a two part post detailing my love for freaks.If you haven’t already, first go back and read part 1. Go on. Just do it. Stop being a stubborn cunt and just do it. I’ll wait. Go.
Done? Good. That tale was completely and unabashedly true, by the way. Everything I wrote about occurred. I fucked the fuck out of that beautiful fucking freak, and she spawned a whole love affair with freaks worldwide ever since. Never again did I make passionate love to a cheeky freak, but I laughed my ass off at some of the most hilarious ones to ever grace the earth. Here are some of my personal favorites:
The Wolf Man
Look at this hilariously hirsute cunt! Can you imagine the bill he has to pay for his monthly waxing? Known previously as the Wolf Boy (before cleverly evolving into the Wolf Man, I didn’t see that coming), Yu Chenhuan was born in a remote Chinese province in 1977, baffling doctors with the lengthy hair that was growing down his spine. This only increased at a remarkable rate until within weeks his entire body was covered in hair. Unlike most kids growing up, his parents were less concerned with breastfeeding him or teaching him maths but more preoccupied with ensuring he didn’t shit in his hands and hurl it at their faces before climbing up a tree and getting a chimp pregnant.
Wolf Man has clearly embraced his hilarious and incurable ailment, even recently signing up for a online dating agency. Imagine what his profile must have read: ‘Enjoys long walks on the beach and howling at the moon. Looking for a woman that can brush me, give me belly rubs and pick up my shit off the street.” Presumably she also doesn’t mind getting a rash every now and again.
Various Siamese Twins
Some of the most famous Siamese twins were the Tocci brothers and Chang and Eng Bunker (both pictured). Siamese twins are among my very favorite of all freaks, and I simply can’t get enough of them. They’re endlessly fascinating and hilarious. Imagine only having one penis between you – what if one of you wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to take a piss, but the other one decides “fuck it, we can hold it ’till the morning”? What happens if one of them wants to bring a girl home for sex, does the other one just lie there and do a crossword?
The Tocci brothers were once visited by a doctor who claimed that Giacomo was intelligent and Giovanni was a dumbass. Imagine how awkward that’s got to be, especially as they’re gonna run out of conversation very quickly if Gia wants to discuss existential philosophy and Gio responds with “Cows go MOOO!”. If I were Gia, I’d orchestrate a conspiratorial plot to kill Gia and have the whole body to myself, even if it meant having a deceased purple head sitting next to me all day. Plus I could practice kissing on the dead head and no one would know or think it was gay.
Many throughout history have died prematurely while others have lived much longer lives. Ironically, one got run over when crossing the road. You’d think with two heads they’d look both fucking ways. During less sensitive times, the majority of these freaks worked in circus sideshows and were extremely profitable thanks to a general public’s increased fascination with the grotesque. Some however have lived far more conventional lives despite their congenital condition, including Chang and Eng (who originated the term ‘Siamese Twins’), who in the 19’th century fathered 21 children and even owned slaves on a plantation. They each had a wife which must have undoubtedly confused things but at least spiced up their sex lives.
I’d love to see a pair of Siamese twins where one was a sassy black guy and the other was an uptight white dude, and they constantly bicker about racial issues and manners and fried chicken. Hey, that sounds like a sitcom…
This hilarious creature was Grady Stiles, who suffered from a deformity known as ectrodactyly, where is toes and fingers fused to look like lobster claws. If I saw him in the street I’d probably throw him in the sea or reach for the nearest frying pan. This kid was literally a real-life super-villain. Once he left the carnival he was apparently an abusive alcoholic with a foul temperament and remarkable upper body strength, and was even convicted of multiple murders throughout his life and sentenced to heavy imprisonment. These are the defining characteristics of a fucking X-Men antagonist. Hilarious but deadly.
Cooking this cunt in boiling water suddenly doesn’t seem so harsh, huh?
The Human Caterpillar
Also known as the Pillowman and the Living Torso, the Human Caterpillar (real name Prince Randian) was one of the most physically hilarious and outlandish freaks the world has ever witnessed. An early 20’th century sideshow performer as well as one of the stars of the controversial 1932 movie Freaks, Randian was limbless and when he placed a one-piece garment over his body resembled a caterpillar or worm, moving himself around by wriggling his shoulders and hips.
His party trick was to roll a cigarette and light it using just his mouth. If he gave up smoking he would have been fucked. I wonder if like a real worm, if you cut him in half the second part of his severed body would grow into another person. Sadly for this human caterpillar, he would never transform into a human butterfly and fly off into the sunset. He must have made a great draft excluder or paperweight, so at least there’s that.
Well, obviously. Move aside bearded ladies and double-headed men, my all-time favorite freak is of course the midget. https://theflyingguillotine.wordpress.com/2011/04/17/midgets-the-worlds-funniest-creatures went into more detail about my passion for these hilarious pint-sized creatures, and they’re head and shoulders above all the other freaks for outright hilarity. Interestingly, while the most famous midget to first gain infamy was General Tom Thumb at a diminutive 2 foot 1, the shortest midget of all time is actually still alive, and is the record breaking Chandra Bahadur Danghi (pictured) who stands at a brilliant 21.5 inches. Haling from a small secluded Nepalese village, he also has three brothers who are less than 4 foot tall. I wish to barter with some of his taller siblings for his purchase – I would love to own this spectacular midget to accompany my long term prey Peter Dinklage.
And that’s that.
There are certain things in life that I can unequivocally state, without a millisecond of hesitation, to be true. And one of those truisms is that there is nothing funnier in this world than midgets. I’m a midget aficionado. Granted, it’s not the most conventional thing to be an ardent fan of; some people are car enthusiasts, others are devotees of particular forms of music. I happen to love midgets. I adore the hilarious little freaks, and they’re a constant source of hilarity for my twisted mind. Seinfeld? Cheers? Pah-give me Gary Coleman or Weng Weng any time!
One thing I’ve never understood is why, in today’s disgustingly politically correct society, some have tried to deem the word ‘midget’ as offensive. These are the same mongoloids that demand black people in the United States are known as ‘African Americans’ (even if they’re of Jamaican descent), deaf people as ‘hearing impaired’ and Islamic terrorists as ‘Misunderstood explosive enthusiasts’.
I’m surprised they haven’t started calling midgets ‘vertically challenged’. The alternatives aren’t much better though. Apparently the preferred nomenclature is ‘dwarf’. Well excuse me for not realizing we were in a fucking Lord of the Rings novel. Where’s Gandalf, maybe he can magically conjure me up a shotgun so I can swiftly blast an aperture into these PC fuckwits whining faces. Then there’s the marvelously self-explanatory ‘Little People’. Of course, that isn’t condescending at all, is it?
“This is Michael, he’s a little person.”
“Thanks for informing me of the appropriate categorization so that I don’t accidentally spew any hate speech! I had no idea that he was actually a little person, despite the fact that he needs a stepladder to use a urinal and his eye-line roughly matches my sweaty ballsack. But that’s really cleared things up! Oh look, there’s Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Is he a big person?”
Anyway, regardless of the first amendment-hating simpletons, midgets are my favourite source of comedy on the planet. There’s nothing more amusing than watching a midget scurrying along as fast as his little feet will take him, getting up to all kinds of diminutive hijinks. Whenever I see one in the street, I stop and guffaw, and they appreciate the love.
It’s always been my primary goal in life to one day have my own midget sidekick. I’d dress it up in truncated versions of my clothing and teach it how to talk, like a real life Mini Me. I would take him for walks (on a tight leash of course), while as he does his number 2 behind a tree I could ask him the most pertinent questions, such as Do midgets find other midgets attractive? and If a midget impregnates a normal, will the child be a midget or normal-sized? Perhaps somewhere in the middle, like Danny De Vito?
I would occasionally use him as a human foot-rest, and enter him in midget races against other freaks for money and fame. I’ve already envisioned my midget winning the ‘Handicapped Egg and Spoon Race’ after narrowly beating the son of the Elephant Man for the gold medal. His life would be every midgets dream. I’ve narrowed down my choices to midget actors Peter Dinklage and Verne Troyer. Hopefully soon I will own one of them.
But it doesn’t stop there. It’s an aspiration of mine to have a multitude of midgets living with me, like Hugh Hefner and his playmates, except instead of buxom, lustful whores it would be knee-high larrikins and the Playboy Mansion would instead be my humble abode in central London. There’d also be no sex of course…unless one of the female midgets happened to seduce me. Who knows how they’d show their gratitude to me?
My gang of midgets would all be cared for and looked after well, so there’d be no need for PETA to investigate. I promise to wash them each once a month, feed them three times a week, and put them up in wonderful, newly furnished cages in the basement. They will each work for me as servants, cleaners and cooks, and I will pay them with generous allowances of leftover vegetables. Like Madonna and her adopted kids, I hope to be ethnically diverse with my midgets, and plan to own a sassy black midget that talks lovable jive, an Irish midget with a drinking problem, and a Jewish midget that will secretly run the house. And if anyone wrongly claims this is enslavement rather than a wondrous midget utopia then I’ll set a group of my Mexican midgets to steal their car.
Everything is funnier with midgets. Porno? Funnier with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang anyone? TV shows? Funnier with midgets. Miniature versions of Ross and Rachel? Comedy gold! Sports? Definitely funnier with midgets.
But perhaps none are more comically effective than the late, great Weng Weng, a legendary and unfortunately deceased midget from the Philippines.
Weng Weng was a pintsized lothario and martial arts expert, who’s aptitude in obliterating normal sized foes was matched only by the lascivious attractions he garnered from numerous scantily clad wenches.
Rest in peace, the baddest motherfucker the midget world will ever see. I will forever be a fan of your magnificent ilk!