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How I Solved the Obesity Crisis

June 14, 2013 1 comment

America – Land of the free, home of the brave, realm of the morbidly obese. While no longer an exclusively national endemic (with Britain in recent years following the cholesterol-laden lead of it’s plumper, louder and less subtle cousin), obesity is still at it’s most common, dangerous and repulsive in those yoo-nite-ed states of America. A grotesque and bulbous gut, a pair of swinging breasts/man-boobs like deadly cannonballs and a copious array of ever-widening chins are as much quintessentially American trademarks as the Stetson hat, bad reality TV and school massacres. Nothing screams “Gawd bless America!” like rippling rolls of belly fat and the inability to shuffle forward four steps without collapsing in a heap of frenzied respiration. But don’t fret, my rotund Stateside friends, because I’m here to change your pathetic, waddling existence and end obesity for good. Are you with me?

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This is the first in a daring new series of articles where I benevolently divulge my genius plans to solve many of the world’s most troublesome issues. Upcoming editions will include ‘How I solved the Israel/Palestine crisis’ (hint: I put the ‘fun’ in fundamentalism) and ‘How to destroy the Welsh’. The latter involves copious usage of sheep and explosives; though somewhat contrarily, I can almost understand the Welshman’s penchant for woolly livestock buggery, because I’ve seen Welsh women. But I digress. First and foremost, I must tackle that most consistently American of problematic epidemics – obesity.

The Problem:

If there’s two things Americans like, it’s their guns and their fattening food. It’s debatable as to which would be easier, eradicating their legal right to own a firearm or prying a cookie from their crumby, bloated hands. While CNN’s Piers Morgan takes a scummy page out of his old tabloid newspaper background, exploiting the Sandy Hook tragedy for ratings and portraying the facade of a moral crusade against the constitutional right to bear arms, people seem to forget that Americans are doing far more pernicious damage to themselves – not with pistols and shotguns but with extra large triple whoppers (with something masquerading as cheese) and a litany of unhealthy processed foods and sugary drinks.

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A report by ‘Trust for America’s Health’ projects that by the year 2030, half of adults in the USA will be obese unless things change. It claims that currently 35% of American adults are obese, and that obesity rates have tripled in children since 1980. Obesity is considered to be a heavily contributing factor to somewhere around 400,000 deaths in the US per year, as well as being responsible for increased medical bills in an economy where many simply can’t afford to exhibit such carelessness. To say this would be a problem would be an understatement. Voraciously stuffing Twinkies down their star spangled maws (because Gawdammit, it’s the American way!), nutritionally-challenged Americans might end up exterminating themselves years before the Chinese try to in World War 3.

A lot of the blame also has to go on processed foods. These processed foods contain carcinogens that damage your kidneys and bones, and cause increased aging. They’re also stuffed with additives, because they overstimulate the production of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that controls pleasure, and leads to exorbitant cravings. They’re often riddled with pesticides and chemicals, they pollute your blood stream and poison your digestive system, while junk foods often cause chronic illness. In short, processed and overly packaged foods are killing people on the inside. It’s like eating malignant laboratory creations instead of natural food. You think the companies producing these give the remotest fuck about your health? Think again.

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It’s astronomically mind-boggling that the world’s foremost superpower (well, until China takes over) contains huge, unrelenting swaths of the most backward, ignorant, small-minded, bible-thumpin’, gun-totin’ cretins and loons on this planet. Not just the parts of the country where most of the inhabitants look like the product of the love scene in Deliverance, but all over. When this is taken into account, it should come as no significant surprise that most Americans don’t care about their weight and health, or that they’re totally uneducated on the matter. Yet when you find out about such esteemed establishments as the ‘Heart Attack Grill’, a revolting burger joint in Las Vegas with a purposely high-calorie menu and a hospital theme aimed specifically at blubbery fatties, you still can’t help but shake your head.

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It includes such delectable delights as the ‘Quadruple Bypass Burger’, containing a grease-soaked patty accompanied by 20 slices of bacon; ‘Flatliner Fries’, deep-fried in pure lard; ‘Butter-fat Shakes’; and high sugar sodas similar to the old school Mexican-style Coca Cola. If reading all of this has left you salivating, then you’re a fat cunt beyond help. Customers are clad in hospital gowns and those over 350 lb even to get to eat for free. In a delicious twist, a customer actually had a genuine heart attack while munching on a ‘Triple Bypass Burger’. And they say Americans don’t do irony?

Heart Attack Grill

There are some, particularly women, that attempt to defend their bovine physiques and claim they’re attractive and uniquely sexy as justification for being disgusting, lazy pigs, often using the term “Big and Beautiful”. No, fat women. You’re not beautiful, you’re fucking repugnant. Looking at your cottage cheese thighs doesn’t arouse me but makes me want to gouge out my own eyes with the spoon you were just using to engorge yourself with. I don’t know what particular planet you happen to derive from, but on Earth, men aren’t commonly attracted to a woman that resembles a beached whale and has to replace her bed every 3 days after it keeps collapsing to the floor.

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And speaking of beds, what about coitus? You think you have a chance of going on top? Think again. You’d crush the guy unfortunate enough to be fucking you and end up becoming an accidental necrophiliac. Even the other way round would be a nightmare because he’d have to wade through an unsightly mass of sweaty, enveloping belly and thigh flesh just trying to locate the gaping chasm that is your vagina. Also, on this planet, Type 2 diabetes and a catalog of heart diseases aren’t usually considered appealing qualities in a partner.

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Not long ago British chef Jamie Oliver earnestly attempted to combat the increasing rates of obesity in American children in his show ‘Food Revolution’. In the second season of the show Oliver traveled to LA with his team in order to provide nutritional education and awareness to both the children, the parents and school bosses. While some of the kids reacted positively and genuinely showed an interest in healthy cooking/eating and making a change to their bodies, when it came to those in charge of nutrition and funding, Oliver was met with disdain and disinterest. They hated that Oliver was shining a light on their appalling standards and making them look bad, and time after time doors were slammed in his face.  75 school districts rejected his proposals to improve their canteens, and the LA Unified School District refused to let him film inside their schools. Then the Food and Drug Administration flexed their muscles, extended their dirty, corrupt tentacles and ensured that the show was cancelled.

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The schoolchildren therefore don’t have a choice when consuming canteen food, and American school bosses continue to show flagrant disregard for the health of their students, only caring about profitable pre-arranged deals with food companies. Oliver was non-cynically just trying to help alleviate a crippling problem, and in return was essentially told to fuck off. This all screams of a much more pertinent issue, which is inherent American ignorance and jingoism. It’s Tex McFatty screaming “How dare a foreigner come to MY country and tell ME how to live MY life?!” while wiping bacon grease on the side of his stars ‘n stripes t shirt. “I’m an American, dammit!” Tex shouts out, “and I ain’t gonna have mah freedom and mah liberties and mah guns and mah JAYSUS taken away from me by some no-good non-American bastard! Go back to France or wherever you’re from! I know best, ’cause this is the greatest country in the world, buddy! YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAA!”. Tex then has a heart attack.

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The Solutions

1- Wall o’ Fat:

I propose that all clinically obese people are gathered up, not dissimilar to how Jews were rounded up in Germany and eastern Europe during World War 2, and placed in temporary holding camps. There they shall be bathed, removed of all clothing and applied with a scientific adhesive all over their body. Then the fatties shall then be transported to the Mexican border and carefully placed upon one another in a gigantic human wall, some horizontal and others vertical. Their flabby, well-padded flesh should sink into one another, merging as one with the help of the adhesive acting as a sort of cement. The fatty’s shall be fed only minimally with a series of intricate tubes connected to each of them passing the necessary fluids through. Defecation shall occur naturally and act as a further deterrent against would-be border crossers along with the natural aroma of fat sweat.

This human wall will provide a much stronger barrier against illegal Mexican immigration and thus it’s two birds with one stone. When desperate Mexicans attempt to cross the border, they will be unable to climb the barricade of humans due to the sweat excreted by the fatty’s making it too slickened for them. If however one or two do manage to occasionally grab onto of some piece of hanging flesh as a sort of climbing hold, an officer armed with a crane will be on hand to quickly provide the starving fatty with guacamole and hot sauce and watch as the desperate lard-ass turns cannibal and munches on some tasty wet Mexican.

When one of the greasy fatties croaks, they shall remain in the wall until decomposition sets in, at which point their corpse will be delicately removed and another obese person put in their place. Statistically there are enough obese Americans to build a human wall along the entire border from California to Texas, and will save both manpower and resources. You’re welcome, America.

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2- Hypnotism (Just Say No):

Using hypnotism to engage the obese in constructing the necessary willpower to refuse or reject opportunities to get fat and fight urges to eat excessively. Imagine a licensed hypnotist waving a donut as a makeshift watch in front of a fatty’s eyes as their eyes become as glazed as the ring-shaped food and repeating-

“When aiming that thirty-eighth spoonful of double choc chip ice cream towards your gaping mouth, pause, just for a moment, lower your corpulent head and gaze downwards (you’ll probably have to push in your plethora of extra chins to enable accurate vision) at that wide, protruding, bouncing tire of fat that you call a belly and possess the fucking willpower to JUST…SAY…NO!”

“When you try to go outside to go to work in the morning but within seconds find yourself lodged inside the front doorway, unable to move and sandwiched between the sides as groups of local kids regularly come by and poke you out of curiosity with various sticks until you pass out and reawaken hours later as one of the fatter children, out of pity, offers you one of his Hershey bars, JUST…SAY…NO! (And get the fat kid to call an ambulance)”

Obese Americans are hypnotized on their sofas every day by mindless reality TV and asinine sitcoms, so why wouldn’t this work? Just say no!

3- Health Warning Labels on Fattening Food

Since cigarette packets have health warning labels on the packets like ‘Smoking Kills’ etc, then particularly fattening foods should follow the same pattern as those sexy cancer sticks and have off-putting labels on the likes of Big Macs reading ‘Binge eating will give you love handles’ and ‘In a few years your tits will be bigger than your wife’s’. It’s questionable whether the messages on smokes actually have had any discernible impact on dissuading smokers from polluting their bodies with nicotine, but it can’t hurt to put a picture of Steven Seagal or Kirstie Alley on every packet of cookies next to the line “THIS WILL BE YOU SOON, YOU FAT CUNT”.

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Conclusion

And so we reach our blubbery denouement. I guarantee that my fool-proof plans to combat obesity, will, with due diligence and determination, be beneficial to all of you American fatties. Of course, alternatively you could always try healthy eating, regular exercise, educating yourself on proper nutrition, dieting and uniting against companies and corporations to stop making unhealthy, processed foods. You could always try turning vegetarian, not consuming butchered animal corpses simply because they taste nice, actually exhibiting compassion and ethics for animal life. By renouncing your instinctive savagery, not only would you improve your health (significantly lower rates of cancer and heart disease, no clogged arteries) and lose weight, but you’d prove that you actually do possess a higher intelligence than other carnivorous animals. But all of these things would take some willpower, and how many of us have that, right?

Despite my article helpfully resolving this whole messy issue for good, if any of this has got my American readers down in the dumps, then let me remind you that things could still be a whole lot worse – you could be Welsh. And that’s a fate even worse than death by quarterpounder.

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Travel tips for Americans in Europe.

April 12, 2011 18 comments

Note: This is satirical, in case you happen to have a lightly salted cashew nut for a brain.

As an avid traveler to many parts of the world, including the United States of America, I feel it is my duty to assist my colonial and corpulent brethren from across the pond in their trips to the wonderful continent of Europe. You see, most Americans don’t travel overseas and never leave the comfort of their grease-soaked lives in the good ol’ US of A. But the ones that do decide to expand their horizons past their star-spangled diets of fatty foods, tedious games of baseball, mass murdering schoolchildren and in more southern parts of the country, depraved coitus with close siblings in barns, need to be embraced for opening their minds and wanting to see the world.

Which is why I have constructed a helpful list of tips for those globetrotting Yanks that choose to explore the history, culture and atmosphere of the sexiest continent in the world. So to any American readers, enjoy the advice I have kindly bestowed below, and then set forth on your journey, prepared, enlightened, and ready to tackle anything those wacky Europeans can throw at you.

-Always wear the proper attire there, as Europeans are fond of American fashion sense. This consists of a baseball cap, oversized fanny pack, Hawaiian shirt, camera around the shoulders, flip flops and white socks, and baggy shorts (even in winter). These clothes should be worn at all times, including when at a restaurant. Never take off your baseball cap, even when indoors.

-When walking the streets of busy European cities, it is preferable to do so in large groups. Europeans enjoy seeing Americans ambling along the street like a herd of boisterous buffalo, and enjoy being forced to the side of your oncoming stampede.

-It is advisable to heartily chant “USA! USA! USA!” when around Europeans. They will appreciate your proud patriotism and bow their heads in reverence to your enchanting American charm.

-Be careful when asking Europeans for directions. They don’t understand the concept of blocks. Some of them are such primitive savages that they don’t even speak American! When this occurs, it is wise to simply increase the volume of your question to the point of shouting. Eventually the backwards European will understand and gladly point you towards the nearest McDonalds or Starbucks.

-Stop random strangers in the street and insist on showing them your extensive photo collection of close family members, including your sons, daughters, nephews and nieces, as well as giving them a thorough explanation as to their college sports achievements. The Europeans will be glad to stop whatever their doing and invest their time in listening to you.

-Share your religious and political views with as many people as possible, even if the conversation to that point has nothing to do with either, and especially if you happen to be a staunch conservative and fanatical Christian. Europeans love to be lectured on why America is always right, and react fondly to extreme right wing views and being taught about Jesus.

-The food in Europe is terrible. You may have trouble finding an XL quadruple cheeseburger or caramel banana pecan hotcakes. Thankfully in the major cities some of the Europeans have come to their senses and provided numerous McDonalds and Burger Kings, bastions of quality food. They don’t have Dairy Queens though, the Neanderthals!

-When at a restaurant, feel free to use your hands rather than the snobbish, unnecessary cutlery provided for you. Also, the portions there are incredibly small. It’s no wonder that the Europeans are so dangerously skinny. Do not be afraid to inform the waiter you want your meal “supersized”. The chef will gladly oblige and triple your food.

-When ordering food, watch the waiters and chefs like a hawk. Wander into the kitchen and examine the food as its being cooked if necessary, because the Europeans have a disgusting tendency to spit in it. They’re a backwards people.

-When ordering beer, make sure not to drink the foul booze the Europeans have. If you order European beer by mistake, simply add a litre of water to it and it will taste just like the beer you get back at home.

-When a game of American football is on, waltz into any nearby pub and change the channel on the bar’s television screen until you find ESPN showing the game, especially if the pub’s inhabitants are already watching a soccer match. The patrons won’t mind, and will appreciate you showing them the superior sport that only Americans watch, as opposed to the world’s most popular sport soccer, which for some reason they call “football”.

-Do likewise if baseball is on. If they complain and say this isn’t America so they shouldn’t watch an American sport, explain to them that baseball is the “World Series” and therefore a global event.

-When you see poor people or Europeans less fortunate than you, instantly take photographs of them. Sometimes it’s good for your partner to take a photo while you pose with the poverty-stricken individual. They won’t begrudge you for this. In fact, they’ll be happy that a wonderful American has enriched their lives with a moment of your vivid culture.

-Greet every European with a hearty backslap and a “how’s it going, buddy?” at the top of your voice, even if you’ve never met them before. Europeans love American friendliness.

-If you pass a European college, take a short visit inside armed with a megaphone and explain to the students the importance of Christian teaching in their education. They will appreciate the advice and instantly convert to Christianity.

-Never switch on European news unless you can find an American station, preferably Fox News. European news stations tend to skew the truth and pretend that America is somehow wrong in spreading freedom to the world through destruction and death. Some of these Europeans don’t even realize that America is the savior of the world.

-Never feel uncomfortable about laughing at the top of your voice when a European tries to speak English. Some Europeans sound like dribbling retards when doing so, and they will have no problem with you openly mocking them as they struggle to speak a foreign language, to you, in their own country.

-When in London, ask every English person you see if they personally know the Queen, particularly in some of the more deprived areas, such as Peckham and Bermondsey. Chances are, they meet with her regularly.

-European women are mostly savages. They refuse to shave their legs and armpits, and some don’t even wear bra’s. It is advisable to avoid eye contact with them.

-If you see an elderly person standing in front of you in a line to a public bathroom, aggressively push them out of the way and stand in front of them. If they take offence to this, kindly inform them that the Americans won the war for them and so you can do whatever you want. They will instantly agree and step aside.

-When on one of Europe’s many beautiful beaches, if you see a topless woman sunbathing, make sure to cover her up with a towel and explain to her that Jesus Christ doesn’t approve of partial nudity. She’ll appreciate your Christian family values and will quickly put on her bikini top.

And there you have it, my American friends. Discard your travel guides, for this is all you need for an enriching and enjoyable experience in Europe. Have fun!