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Archive for January, 2014

We Can’t Handle the Truth!

January 8, 2014 4 comments

Okay, I haven’t posted anything since June of last year even though before that I claimed I was back to blogging, but this time I’m going to make a genuine attempt to maintain a semi-regular contribution to this sexy, dangerous, slutty little blog of mine, and actually bother to promote the thing a little. So what to talk about? Hmm…Dead hookers? Depraved, bestiality-prone Welshmen? The virtues of short-lived 1980’s TV show Manimal? Oh, I know! Let’s talk about the governments of the world molesting our freedom! Yeah, that sounds like a light, fun read. But wait, do I approve of it? You’ll have to read on and find out! DUN DUN DUN!

assange

At the heart of the recent controversies regarding truth and freedom are the non-profit organisation WikiLeaks and their spokesman and leader Julian Assange. Assange recently stated: “To keep a person ignorant is to place them in a cage. The powerful – if they want to keep their power – will try to know as much about us as they can, and they will try to make sure that we know as little about them as is possible.”

Exposing the illegal activities and scummy actions of private banks and the huge corporations that practically own the American government, bringing to light corruption from around the world, revealing information and cover-ups from elected governments with hidden agendas, and removing their cloak of secrecy while they attempt to invade every facet of ours is unquestionably, unarguably an admirable endeavour. But wait, regardless of that, by hacking into private files or leaking classified information, they’re sometimes breaking the law themselves! So let’s agree with the American and British governments, and prosecute and execute those really fighting for our freedom. Yeah, that makes sense!

Publicly castigated by almost everyone in the political sphere and thusly revealing the lack of testicular fortitude on both sides of the political coin, whistleblower Assange is a complicated, fallible but essentially courageous defender of freedom who’s been incarcerated within the walls of the Ecuadorian embassy in London for over a year now. There he is outside of the jurisdiction of the US, UK and others who desperately want to arrest and extradite his (uncharacteristically effeminate for an Aussie) ass on bogus sexual assault charges. Essentially, through their actions Assange and his cohorts have brought tangible evidence to the perennially underlying suspicion of government bullshit and secrecy, of a vague but pernicious sense of ‘they can’t be trusted’, and have simply opened up the lid of a box that’s contents were always under partial scrutiny but has now been exposed to all and sundry for the rotten slime inside.

Kill-List

However, governments lying, censoring or covering up and committing acts of egregious immorality ain’t exactly a recent development. The American institution in particular has been rockin’ with the devil since its civilised inception, but it’s only in recent times that a group like WikiLeaks have publicly exposed a regime to a level never before seen and we the people aren’t ready for it. The group have even published diplomatic and intelligence documents going back as far as the 1970’s. We need to be sheep, dammit! Our eyes must be closed once more! The good old days, right?

WikiLeaks exist largely because the mainstream and corporate media, regardless of what side of the spectrum they sit on, have been hopelessly inefficient in holding the government accountable and are usually prone to unobjective partisanship. But as news stations and newspapers on both sides of the Atlantic continue to manufacture narrative, peddle lies as facts, use non-reputable sources, manipulate and sensationalise events for purchases or ratings, report on topics with their own predisposition and political agenda masquerading as neutrality, and sell endless uninformed negativity and misery to the masses because it’s so just so much easier when they do the thinking for you, where would we be without the winning smile and brainless belligerence of republican blowhard Bill O Reilly, or the effortless charm and insufferable smugness of liberal douche Keith Olbermann? Quite frankly, it scares me to think.

twats

WikiLeaks policy with revealing news is to provide the document that the story is based upon and the reader can make up their own mind. Their small team of reporters have divulged more concealed information than the rest of the world press combined. But who needs that when you’ve got one-sided muttonheads dictating for you what’s right and wrong?

An esteemed philosopher named Jack Burton once said “This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang”. That doesn’t have anything to do with the point I’m making here, I just really like Big Trouble in Little China. Congressman Ron Paul on the other hand, one of the very, very few politicians I have any respect for, stated “In a free society, we’re supposed to know the truth. In a society where truth becomes treason, then we’re in big trouble.”

But what Captain Ron doesn’t realise is that TRAITOR TRAITOR TRAITOR ENEMY OF THE COUNTRY THEY’RE ENDANGERING THE TROOPS ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, which I’ll think you find is a reasoned and balanced riposte to those who defend the heroism and courage of people like Assange, Bradley Manning, Edward Snowden and others willing to expose the government for concealing the truth and censoring the public’s right to know the policies and crimes they perpetrate.

Jack Burton doesn't approve of WikiLeaks, and he just wants his truck back.

Jack Burton doesn’t approve of WikiLeaks, and he just wants his truck back.

Look, I know that WikiLeaks have lifted the lid on innumerable cover-ups and war-crimes perpetrated by the American and British governments in recent wars based on manufactured evidence. I know that the American government has illegally sabotaged the organization online, while the Obama administration has, in its first 17 months in office, prosecuted more leakers than every previous president in history. I know there are around 16 million documents being classified top secret by the American government every year. I know that the government continually conceal text in documents and redact public information, including manuscripts written by former government and army officers such as Operation Dark Heart. I know that good ol’ boy Mike Huckabee called for the execution of anyone involved leaking information to Assange and company, showing that trademark Christian forgiveness and love for all mankind. I know that major companies ensured that WikiLeaks could no longer receive money through their channels, showcasing the loathsome relationship between government and vile corporations (Monsanto are just the coolest!). I know all this.

But these are just indisputable facts, and there is no place for facts in our society. Haven’t you learnt anything from the storied history of our wonderful governments? Keep those peepers shut and be an obedient and complacent member of society. That’s what’s best for us.

Dr. Jonathan Chase doesn't approve of WikiLeaks, and he's a master of the secrets that divide man from animal!

Dr. Jonathan Chase doesn’t approve of WikiLeaks, and he’s a master of the secrets that divide man from animal!

Then there’s that major gossip hound (formerly Private) Bradley Manning. I was going to tell him about how cute I thought his sister was but now I know he can’t be trusted. He’ll tell her everything and I’d be like, so totes embarrassed and shit. Despite the fact that lil sis is going to the prom alone now, Manning’s proclivity for scuttlebutt has had many championing him as a hero much like Assange. Exposing the war-crimes of a corrupt and despicable government and their seemingly unaccountable troops may seem like an act of selfless heroism to some of you, but will somebody please think about those poor, defenceless government heads and what this whistle-blowing could do to their lives? It makes them look bad, and the powerful, supremely privileged one percenters have feelings too, you know! Manning may have believed he was exposing information that the American people deserved to know, relating to a war they shouldn’t have been in, but as a result, bourgeois government leaders occasionally get dirty looks from others at their exclusive (read: no Jews or coloureds) country clubs and foreign nations begin to dislike America and its panting lapdog Great Britain. Does Manning have no shame?

Deciding that being convicted for 35 years just wasn’t irritating enough, sexually confused Bradley Manning opted to experience life in the vein of an Ed Wood movie and made the contentious decision to become a “woman” named Chelsea with aspirations for hormone replacement therapy. He was inevitably going to spend the rest of his life as a bitch in prison anyway, so he simply expedited the process by way of gender transformation. From this point on however, all future leaks will be taken sitting down.

Manning trannyOnce a month Manning will also bleed from the crotch, develop impromptu sullen mood swings and shout at me for apparently making offensive comments towards her that I didn’t even know I said, when all I ever did was throw it out there that she’s put on a few pounds in the last six months and suddenly I’m a misogynist that’s supposedly having an affair with Cindy across the street. If I am, then it’s because you haven’t opened your legs in a fucking year and Cindy actually appreciates me! So there, bitch!

Edward Snowden is the other major whistleblower of recent times, currently seeking asylum with wacky ol’ Putin and the gang in Moscow after leaking classified National Security Agency documents revealing invasive programs designed to spy on the American public as well as other nations (including allies), and wanted by the US government under the archaic 1917 Espionage Act, despite not selling information to foreign nations or profiting from it at all (you know, actual espionage). You might think the PRISM program used by the NSA and all of the Email and phone hacking as well as countless other forms of nefarious, intrusive government voyeurism is a bad thing, but I just love being watched all the time. The FBI have even admitted they use drones on American soil for domestic surveillance. They should even put a hidden camera in our bathrooms, because we might be conjuring up anti-government propaganda while taking a dump, and besides, big brother watching me shower would make me feel special.

barack

If the government wants to read my private email correspondence with the medically questionable Dr. Van Winkel about my upcoming penis enlargement surgery dates or eavesdrop on my personal phone calls begging family members for money to fund my penis enlargement surgery, they should! Invade our privacy with your immoral and invasive surveillance programs, but redact and withhold the government’s private information from me! After all, I once sat next to a Muslim in class, and I even openly criticized the policies of the Obama administration in the street a few years ago. That practically makes me a terrorist and potentially a danger to the fragile foundations of our society. I need to have everything I do tracked at all times for my subversive ways to protect our freedom!

Oh and Barack, just so you know, I changed my email password so if you need it, it’s “cuntballs”. Feel free to log in, just don’t open any emails from Nigerian princes with sizable bank accounts. And will you stop ordering pizzas with my debit card, you lovable presidential scoundrel! I don’t care that it was ‘Two for Tuesday’. Ah, Hussein, you so cheeky!

Researchers dressed in panda costumes transfer giant panda Tao Tao to new living environment in Wolong National Nature Reserve, Sichuan province

This next section is the most important of all, and pertains to censorship of documents by the powers that be. █████████████████████████████████████████████████

 ████████████████ cunts █████████████████████████ midgets  ███████

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██████ Mel Gibson █████████████████████████████████████████████

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████████████████████ be all up in my grill, homie █████████████████████

█████████ 1.21 gigawatts ████████████████ Dr. Sam Beckett██████████████

████ and that’s why whatever you do, never trust a Chinaman that doesn’t own chopsticks.

So remember ladies and gents, freedom of information and the truth aren’t things we little people deserve, so let’s not focus on our personal liberties being extracted from us while our countries progressively become police states and go back to important things, you know, like the marriage of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. Stuff that matters. Let’s continue to contribute to a society that constructs importance to unimportant things while increasing censorship of information, language and content.

Don’t reject the actions of a government that doesn’t care about you, instead relegate yourself to tedious squabbling with the other side because I’M RIGHT AND THEY’RE WRONG LALALALA. The cancerous dichotomy of the contemporary political spectrum is clearly more important that any kind of solidarity against an increasingly oppressive minority that’s in control of you, so instead of thinking for yourself and abstaining from political categorisation, stick to fightin’ with those no-good liberals/conservatives! You’ll never take my guns/you’ll never take my drugs!

Let’s not be bothered that our phones are tapped and our private online correspondence is hacked into, or be particularly fussed that we’re being monitored incessantly by an abundance of surveillance equipment on every city street corner. Let’s simply believe everything we’re told, lest we be tin-foil hat-clad loons, and let our benevolent governments continue to ably perform the exemplary job they’ve been doing thus far, in secret. Because corrupt, war-mongering, filthy-rich, overly-privileged men and women in overpriced suits spinning yarns and spewing lies know what’s best for us better than you paeans could ever wish to, so bend over and take it dutifully under the watchful gaze of their all-seeing eye. Ain’t that the truth!

Egg Shen believes Chinese black magic is key to the NSA's plans

Egg Shen believes Chinese black magic is key to the NSA’s plans

Right then, that’s enough of all that, I’ll just get back to writing about midgets and Steven Seagal again.