Archive for August, 2011

The Ridiculousness of Steven Seagal Part 2

August 17, 2011 198 comments

This is the second and concluding part of my comprehensive list of the most ludicrous aspects of Steven Seagal’s life and career. If you haven’t yet read segments 1-5, read them in PART ONE. Otherwise, here’s reasons 6 to 12 of why the fatman is the most ridiculous man in the world.

6- His terrible movies

Aside from Seagal’s first few efforts, which were genuinely good action movies (‘Out For Justice’ is a classic), the fatman has amassed a filmography worse than Ed Wood’s. With the aforementioned ‘Today You Die’ and the ‘has to be seen to be believed’ atrocity that is ‘Attack Force’ leading the pack as the very worst (and most funniest) of Seagal’s rotten output, reading through the list of his films on Imdb is akin to perusing a record of Holocaust victims — absolutely tragic.

Even when Seagal was younger, thinner and gave a modicum of a fuck, he still had all the acting ability of a roadkill badger. Frown, squint, mumble, kick, repeat. For my money, nothing comes close to ‘Today You Die’ in terms of execrable acting/directing/writing and pure unintentional hilarity. One of the funniest scenes from that contagious anal rash of a movie is when Seagal is sent to jail but isn’t required to conform to prison uniform regulations like everyone else, and is allowed to constantly wear a massive buttoned up overcoat that is never taken off, including when he wakes up fully clothed from an insinuated sex scene (the actress must have thanked God when she found out the sex scene wasn’t going to be filmed). Covering up Seagal’s porcine figure is evidently more important than the most basic forms of realism.

With his insipid films mostly taking place in Eastern European shitholes on typically low budgets, Seagal is renowned for putting in less effort than a narcoleptic snail. With an unprecedented level of lethargy, Seagal usually makes up about 2% of his fight scenes, being doubled for everything but the close-ups. Frequently, he is doubled for even the most physically trivial of endeavours, such as walking through a door or the complex act of standing. The directors and fight choreographers share Seagal’s apathy considering little is done to hide the fact that the double’s are usually half Seagal’s weight and are sometimes even wearing different colored clothes.

It’s come to the point where oftentimes Seagal even has to have a VOICE double because his hushed, mumbled and often improvised (didn’t read the script) dialogue is regularly indecipherable. Here’s a scene from ‘Attack Force’ with the worst dubbing since 70’s kung fu flicks:

For sheer comedy, if you haven’t already, seek out a Seagal DTV flick.

7- His pathological lies/delusions

It would take a month to extensively list all of Seagal’s copious lies and deranged delusions, so I’ll stick to a select few, the biggest of which is the nonsense Seagal long spewed about possessing a mysterious CIA background. He once said:

“You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors.”

In actuality, as you’d expect, that’s a steaming pile of horse shit. Seagal never worked covertly for the CIA or anyone else, and Gary Goldman, an ex-mercenary (for real) and former business partner of the fatman revealed a hilarious story:

In an interview with Spy, Goldman says he had long known that Seagal tends to tell grandiose tales about himself. Late in 1988, a former soldier of fortune and treasure hunter named Randy Widner invited Seagal, Goldman and another man to hunt for treasure off the coast of Barbados. At that time, Seagal had been telling Goldman that he’d been a U.S. Navy SEAL. Evidently this was one frogman who did not take well to water. As Goldman recalls, “Randy was driving [a Zodiac raft] in circles while Steven and I carried the gear out to him. The surf was unbelievable, really tough… He started screaming and panicking and was sure he was going to die and all that crap.” Goldman says Seagal had to be helped onto the vessel. “Wildner had to pull Seagal by his hair; I pushed his ass onto the boat with my shoulder.” Later that evening, Goldman says, he realized that Seagal could not read a compass or a map. (Seagal describes himself as “autistic with numbers.”) With that, Goldman says, he totally dismissed the notion that Seagal had ever been involved in any covert operations. In his letter to the Times reporter, Goldman wrote that Seagal “would surely die of starvation if he was given a compass and a map that led to a restaurant five miles away.”

The closest Seagal has ever come to being a Navy SEAL is this picture:

As well as claiming he learnt blues from the masters despite only being 5, Seagal also claimed he spent much of his youth in Brooklyn (probably to augment his then Italian persona), despite probably never once going there when he was young. Then there was Seagal’s claims about daringly battling the Yakuza (the Japanese mafia) when he was in Japan, and claimed to Movieline “I jumped right in their faces. I was a tenacious motherfucker, man, and I was fearless.” His first wife, Fujitani, cleared up this nonsense however:

“It is a lie. He once chased a few drunks away from the dojo but never was involved with Yakuza.” Fujitani also delivered some insight into the mysterious attainment of Seagal’s Aikido black belt. “The only reason Steven was awarded the black belt was because the judge, who was famous for his laziness, fell asleep during Steven’s presentation. The judge just gave him the black belt.”

Where Seagal’s lies begin and his delusions end is debatable, but what’s not is the fact that it’s a fucking comedy goldmine.

8- His pseudo mysticism

One of Seagal’s most entertaining qualities is his half-baked Buddhist ramblings and assertion that he’s the reincarnation of a 17’th century Buddhist lama. Wouldn’t it be a tad more believable if it were claimed he were the reincarnation of a warthog, or perhaps a triple bacon cheeseburger? And Seagal has to be the most hypocritical, fraudulent Buddhist alive. He’s exhibited anything but the philosophy of peace and compassion that Buddhism is supposed to preach. But what’s funniest about the rotund bastard and his obsession with Eastern spiritualism is when he attempts to take on the role of ‘wise old master’, robing himself in circus tent-sized kimono’s and brainfarting gems like this:

9- Real life situations

Seagal has told more tall tales than Walt Disney but the side-splitting truth is that when the fatman has been in a position to substantiate some of his physical claims he’s usually he’s been made to look a fool. There isn’t a more amusing Seagal tale than the time he was choked out by Judo champion and stunt coordinator Gene Lebell. Seagal, who has a history of abusing stuntmen on the sets of his films, often by kicking them in the nuts when they don’t expect it, finally got a taste of his own medicine when he arrogantly declared he could never be choked out by anyone, and lo and behold, was taken down by Lebell. The reason this story is so funny is because not only did Seagal pass out, but he proceeded to urinate and defecate all over himself in the process. At long last Seagal managed to experience the metaphorical equivalent of what moviegoers had been put through every time they saw one of his films. Of course, a lawsuit towards Lebell followed, so Gene had to stay quiet about it all.

Then there was Seagal’s problems with the Mafia over a monetary dispute relating to his business partner Jules Nasso who was connected to the mob. Suffice to say, during a meeting with some mobsters, Seagal almost had another ‘Gene Lebell moment’ and was said to be completely terrified during the time spent with them. Where was Seagal’s steely poise and tough guy attitude when faced with genuinely dangerous criminals? This website  goes into much deeper detail over the whole hilarious series of events.

How about the time Seagal ran away from his eternal rival Jean Claude Van Damme at a party at Stallone’s house? Sly remembers it:

“But I remember once, at my home in Miami, I believe it was in 96 or 97, Van Damme was there with Seagal, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Shaquille O Neal, Don Johnson and Madonna, it was a heck of a party. Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal made some excuse and left. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal pulled a Houdini. Who would win? I have to say I believe Van Damme was just too strong and Seagal wanted no part of it. That’s just my opinion.”

Maybe Seagal’s sudden evasive tactics had something to do with the fact that he’s never actually competed in an competitive fight. Throwing around compliant uke certainly doesn’t count. Van Damme may have been going through his lamentable drug addict phase, but what better time for Seagal to back up his lofty claims? No, Seagal would rather take cheap shots at stuntmen, or sneakily put martial arts instructor Dan Inosanto in a joint lock when he was supposed to shaking his hand. He’s like a caricature of a despicable cartoon villain, and I love him for it.

10- Terrible Products

If there’s one thing worse than Seagal’s mind-numbing movies, it’s his inane products, like Lightning Bolt, the Seagal energy drink which comes in such flavors as ‘Asian Experience’ and ‘Cherry Charge’ and include such beloved ingredients like ‘goji berry’ and ‘cordyceps’. Such mystery! Such spiritual power! Presumably ‘Obese Cunt’ is still in the early stages of production.

Since I’d rather pour a glass of Gary Coleman’s liquefied feces inside my mouth than consume a can of Seagal’s vile drink, I’ve taken other reviewers word for it when they’ve said Lightning Bolt tastes like “rancid peaches, cigarettes and vitamin pills”. Hell, it could contain Seagal’s putrid sweat for all we know. Regularly consume large quantities of this shit and you’ll probably end up looking just like Seagal, including ponytail. Avoid like the plague!

Then there’s Seagal’s line of fetid aromatherapy oils, designed to turn your skin as leathery and repellent as the stout sensei’s. The only thing that’s essential about these oils is never putting them anywhere near your body.

Seagal also has the distinction of having the single worst ever video game in existence, The Final Option for the SNES. Believe me, I’ve played it. And you thought his movies were bad! Sheesh! The fact that this digitized anathema was never released is akin to if the Holocaust had never taken place. It was that painful. As the titular fatman, you shuffle around a warehouse in search of keycards, punching scientists and kicking guards that look like mailmen, falling off ledges with the gayest screams ever recorded and struggling to work around bizarre controls and nonsensical level design. And if in any circumstance this fat fraudulent fuck were truly the final option, you know you’re in some desperate fucking times.

11- Seagal as a cop

“I only did this for the free donuts.”

Thought Seagal was done pretending to be other people? Think again! Now he’s a cop! His recent reality show Steven Seagal: Lawman will have to go down as one of the most unintentionally hilarious shows of all time. Whether it’s Seagal transforming into ghetto-mode every time he encounters a black person (and he’s a cop, so it’s a lot), waiting back and screaming “WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT?” while real officers chase after criminals, or Seagal explaining how due to his magically heightened perceptive ability (I like to call it, ‘Seagal Vision’) he can tell if someone is about to commit a crime simply by a flick of the wrist or a turn of the head, it’s vintage Seagal comedy the whole time.



12- Rebirth as an MMA grandmaster

Lastly, there’s Seagal’s recent claim to fame as a mixed martial arts Mr Miyagi, somehow weaseling his way into UFC fighters Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida’s training camp and forming part of their fight training, infusing it with some of his Aikido knowledge (despite most Aikido being either illegal or impractical under MMA rules). Other than the introduction of his latest retarded appearance (yellow glasses, all the time), the lulz have flowed like a fine wine thanks to Seagal’s typically bullish claim that he taught Machida and Silva the basic front kick, which he also supposedly invented, and that no one else knows. A basic front kick.

Grandmaster Fatman, with those patented yellow shades.

Also according to Seagal, Anderson sent him a memo saying “will you please teach me your deadly stuff?”. In one of his sessions with Machida, Seagal implored that Machida should “Use your mind. Use your mind! I don’t care if you kill him. I don’t care. You fuck him up. You take him out.”. ‘Deadly stuff’ and disregard for the death of an opponent — that definitely sounds like Buddhist compassion.

The greatest thing about all this madness is that both Silva and Machida won their last fights with front kicks, so Seagal has genuinely somehow had an impact on them, even if it was just emphasising the use of front kicks. Now every time they fight in the octagon, Seagal is sitting there in the front row (taking up 4 seats, naturally), wearing his now trademark yellow shades and providing constant entertainment for us all.


In all honesty, Seagal is a serial con artist, a pathological narcissist, an insecure misogynist, a cowardly bully and a self-aggrandizing, deluded, languid, physically grotesque, psuedo-mystical madman. But most of all, he’s the most ridiculous and entertaining man in the world, and for that I will always be an ardent fan. Never change, Steven. Never change.


The Ridiculousness of Steven Seagal Part 1

August 17, 2011 130 comments

Ladies, gentleman, hermaphrodites, mongoloids, midgets and the Welsh, I have something heinous and shocking to admit to the world — I’m a Steven Seagal fan.

Now that you’ve thoroughly cleaned your keyboard from the abrupt shower of vomit that I just caused you to disgorge, allow me to explain. I’m not a fan of the obese, squinting, washed-up action star for the same reason that the majority of his small, loyal fan base of muttonheads are. No, I love Steven Seagal because he’s the most unintentionally funny man on the planet. There is literally no one else on God’s green earth that is more ridiculous, absurd and mind-bogglingly delusional than the beached whale bigamist. So I decided to catalogue the most ludicrous aspects of Seagal’s cookie crumb-laden life and career and provide a comprehensive list, narrowed down to 12 segments. Because of the length of this post, I’ve halved it into two parts.

1- Seagal’s Weight

Evidently fond of copious trips to All You Can Eat buffets, with his countless layers of flab in 2011 Seagal closely resembles a bloated, leather-skinned Michelin Man. With an enduring love for stuffing cheeseburgers down his gullet with all the verve of a crackhead at a Colombian coke lab, Seagal hasn’t worried about his widening girth affecting his status as an aging action hero. Closely resembling Mr. Creosote from ‘The Meaning of Life’, Seagal’s bulbous mammaries, quadruple chins, sagging jowls and a gut that looks like it’s impregnated with triplets tell a tale of a man that clearly stopped giving a fuck a very long time ago. In fact, if Seagal were to explode like the aforementioned Monty Python character, there would be enough ‘second helpings’ discarded in the close vicinity to feed the entire population of an average Indian village.

Prone to wearing long overcoats in his movies in an embarrassing attempt to mask his repulsive corpulence, Seagal has all the carnal appeal of a three hour rectal examination. For someone to have made a living as a superstar in the action genre to show such laziness and flagrant disregard for his body in nothing short of hysterical. Yet in his mind, he is a self-proclaimed ‘sex symbol’. I’d imagine 9/10 women would rather fuck a rhino, plus it wouldn’t smell as bad.

2- Seagal’s Ego

The only thing that can legitimately rival the size of Seagal’s belly is the enormity of his egotism. In this man’s deranged cerebrum, he is an undefeatable demigod, incapable of being physically bested in battle by any man (Gene Lebell disagrees, but I’ll get to that in part 2). To exhibit his supposed invincibility, Seagal has always ensured that he barely receives a scratch from his enemies during movie fight scenes, where he almost always destroys foes without succumbing to a solitary punch. There is never a struggle, because Seagal’s ego won’t allow it.

One of his most hilariously narcissistic episodes involved Seagal refusing to film a death scene for his character on the set of Executive Decision, claiming that his fans wouldn’t accept such a monumental event. He held up production for days until finally acquiescing after being threatened with contractual breach.

John Leguizamo, who co-starred in the film, said that during rehearsals Seagal sauntered onto the set and arrogantly declared “I’m in command, what I say is law, anyone not agree?”, which understandably led to Leguizamo cracking up with laughter at this absurd pomposity. Seagal then took it upon himself to cheap-shot Leguizamo, a guy half his size, and slam him into the wall for his insolence. Leguizamo also said that when the fatman finally relented for his big death scene, “It was 6am, he was supposed to die… and we shot his death at 8 p.m”. Not only is Seagal’s ego the size of his gut, but he has all the class of a pubic louse.

Another priceless example of Seagal’s ego was when he hosted Saturday Night Live and demanded that the cast perform sketches that Seagal himself had written rather than the material they already had. One of these masterful ideas, according to Dana Carvey, involved Seagal playing a psychiatrist that talks to a rape victim, and while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself. Lorne Michaels spent hours explaining to Seagal that the concept wasn’t funny nor even if they made a rape sketch funny, they would never be allowed to put that scene on the air, but Seagal thought it was comedy gold.

When Nicolas Cage said that he could be the biggest jerk to ever appear on SNL, Lorne Michael’s replied “No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.”

3- Seagal’s Misogyny

Which transitions succinctly to the next chapter of Seagal’s ceaseless hilarity — his horrendous treatment of women and deluded belief that he’s some kind of sex symbol. It seems rape scenes aren’t something the fatman likes to remain simply in a fictional realm.

Numerous reports have been made by women that claim Seagal asked them to take their tops off for him to grope their breasts, which according to the stout sensei was done so he could show them where their “spiritual meridian points” were located, as well another woman saying that he claimed he was “looking for lumps”. Man, Seagal really is a charitable fella, huh? The same woman also claimed that “Seagal reached his hand down my pants. He said, ‘I just wanted to touch it for a second to see what it felt like.’”

Ironically these days it would be more entertaining to motorboat Seagal’s man-breasts than a female assistant’s. And if Seagal said to you “I want to eat you out” he’d probably mean he’s about to put your ass on a barbecue. But it’s not just unknown women that have complained of Seagal’s molesting malarkey:

Jenny McCarthy was one of Seagal’s casting couch victims. “They were casting Playmates for Under Siege 2,” she recalled. “I was the last audition, dressed frumpy and plain, the way I usually go, and I walk into his office and it’s only Steven. His office has a huge shag carpet – shag, I’ll repeat that, shag – and a huge screaming casting couch. Casting, casting, casting, casting couch. And he says, ‘Listen, I can’t tell what your body looks like with what you’re wearing, so why don’t you stand up and take off your dress?’ “I started crying, and I said, ‘My video’s for sale for $14.99, go buy it if you want to see.’ And I ran out to my car, and he grabbed my arm and followed me and said, ‘Don’t ever tell this to anybody.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you are gonna regret this one day.”

She was a handful.

Ticker actress Jaime Pressly also claims Seagal tried to give her an “unlicensed massage” during some downtime on the set in 2001. Speaking about an appearance on Howard Stern, she said:

“I got back at Seagal on Howard Stern, I didn’t press charges against him for violating my privacy. I never had that happen to me before, inappropriate behavior. He crossed the line. But I got word from his lawyer that Seagal doesn’t want me saying bad things about him. I told my lawyer to tell his lawyer to tell him that I wouldn’t say another fricking word about it because I already got back at him on the Stern show, but people wouldn’t say bad things if he didn’t do bad things. “

But there’s MORE! Julianna Margulies worked with Seagal on Out For Justice, and said:

“His trailer is around the corner from mine on the Warner Bros. lot, and I was walking by recently and he said, ‘Margulies, come over here and show me some respect!’ He’s not someone I keep in touch with.”

As you’ve probably gathered, Seagal has about as much respect for women as he does for his own physique, and his rampant bigamy further suggests that’s the case.

While still married to his first wife Miyako Fujitani (whom he was obviously just using in order to stay in Japan) he married former Days of Our Lives actress Adrienne La Russa. During his time with her, he met Kelly LeBrock, who he began a relationship and had a child with. His marriage to La Russa was annulled, and he then married LeBrock, but then divorced from her while having an affair with Arrissa Wolf, a nanny to his children. He’s currently with a fourth wife, who must spend every waking day worrying about what’s going to occur first; Seagal’s inevitable affair with another woman, or waking up inside a large cooking pot with Seagal pouring salt on her thighs.

Yet another report was made about his treatment of women, by former CIA employee Robert Strickland:

Raeanne Malone, one of four women hired by Warner Bros. to serve as Seagal’s personal assistants, is in the bathroom of his trailer, brushing her teeth. Strickland watches as Seagal begins loudly calling for Malone, saying he needs her immediately. She emerges still brushing her teeth. “Gee, Raeanne,” says the man of honor and protector of the weak, “You look like that when I come in your mouth.”

In May 1991 all four assistants – Malone, Nicole Selinger, Christine Keever and another woman – quit because of Seagal’s continuing piggery. Three of them threaten to bring sexual-harassment charges against him. Malone and another of the women, in return for a pledge of confidentiality, are paid in the vicinity of $50,000 each.

But the coup de gras of Seagal’s sexist belligerence was the revelation that he had been trafficking sex slaves after a former assistant, Kayden Nguyen, alleged that he sexually assaulted her and kept two young Russian girls in his residence to indulge in his every sexual need 24/7. The whole case happened to mysteriously fade away with no conclusive ending, which means Seagal once again paid out a fuck-load of cash to keep her quiet. Either that or he revealed to her why Richie did Bobby Lupo, and that knowledge is priceless.

The highlight of these wacky shenanigans was the accusation by Nguyen that Seagal exhibits a “unique physiological reaction” to sexual arousal. While possibly the most revolting, vomit-inducing imagery that could ever be conjured up, the idea that Seagal probably develops lactating nipples every time he gets an erection just furthers his status as the world’s most ridiculous man. He could probably breastfeed a whole preschool with those things.

His feelings towards women are highly ironic when he himself exudes a much more feminine presence every time he attempts to run:

4- Seagal’s Hair

Completing his look as the most hideous man in the world, it looks like Seagal exhibited some of his mysterious “Ki-power” on an unsuspecting skunk and killed it before proceeding to place the dead animal on his head as a makeshift toupée. Whether it’s a wig or hair plugs, the thing resting on top his cranium resembles a rugged piece of old carpet or the fuzzy material they used to use for GI Joe (or Action Man as it was known here in England) doll’s hair. It never moves (much like the man it’s sitting on top of), and even in the windiest of gales would remain as stiff as a corpse.

Early on in his career, Seagal’s hair was balding significantly, as the below picture shows:

Rapper DMX (who unsurprisingly had nothing but negative things to say about his experience with the fatman — “He’s a dickhead” said Mr. MX) claimed Seagal has spray on hair. Whatever it is, that Dracula widows peak and trademark girly pony tail ensure Seagal never leaves the house without looking like he belongs in a circus troupe.

5- Pretending to be black

Either Seagal is the biggest fraud on the planet or he genuinely happens to transcend race and transforms into new ethnicities over time, kind of like a fucked up Dr Who. Shockingly, it’s actually not the latter. In the past Seagal has enjoyed pretending to be Italian and Japanese respectively, but his current adopted cultural persona is that of the black man. Just when the sight of a bloated, squinting, pony-tailed douche bag couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Seagal decided to try his hand at “Ebonics”, the language of the ghetto. All of a sudden Seagal was “gangsta” and seemingly under the impression that he was from the hood.

In the majority of Seagal’s direct to DVD era filmography, Seagal has portrayed this insane ‘black man’ version of himself, most hilariously of all in the abominable ‘Today You Die’, an unintentional comedy classic where Seagal mumbles out ‘thug talk’ with all the street credibility of Bill O’ Reilly. Seagal even ensured that one of the black characters remarked that he “walks like a black man and breathes like a killer.” Absolute madness.

Das mah nigga rite dere!

But it wasn’t just in his movies that Seagal asserted that he was a genuine brotha, oh no. Seagal took it one step further, and took on a second career as a black bluesman from the deep south, surrounding himself with actual black people for authenticity and releasing two hilarious albums with his band Thunderbox, including such hits as “Talk to my ass”. But according to Seagal, he’s just as valid a bluesman, who in his own words said:

“I came up in Detroit and there was a lot of blues. I didn’t learn blues from a fucking record; I learned it from the front porch. There were all these people from Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas and I learned from them.”

Now, Seagal and his family moved from Lansing, Michigan to Fullerton in California when he was 5 years old. So according to the fatman, all these old black blues players taught a 5 year old boy everything they knew, as if he was some spooky infant prodigy with the soul of a struggling black man (note: Seagal is half Irish and half Jew). Quote the Seagull:

“Little Milton hadn’t heard me play before. I was doing this Lightnin’ Hopkins thing. Milton looked at me and nodded, like he was trying to say, “This mutha ain’t white.”

No Steven, what he was trying to say was “this honky needs to lose some fucking weight and stop acting like he’s got a year long tan”. Fraudulence or insanity? I’d say a healthy dose of both.

That’s all for part 1. Next up are segments 6-12 in part 2 below, complete with accidental typo: