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The Comeback of OJ Simpson

For the last few days, every time I’ve switched on the TV I’ve been bombarded with reports of death, murder and bereavement. Over the last week it’s been nearly impossible to avoid news of Amy Winehouse’s untimely demise in her Camden abode or the horrific killing spree in Norway by Anders Behring Breivik, a far-right gunman responsible for wiping out 77 people. There’s been more death than at a party at Sharon Tate’s house (too soon?). I’m genuinely flabbergasted that Winehouse croaked before everyone’s favorite celebrity cretinous crack whore Lindsay Lohan, who is somehow still in this mortal realm. I wonder what the odds were on that?

But while I keep hearing about the tragedy of all those lives taken away by the crazed Norwegian murderer, no one even takes a solitary second to ponder my problems. I just came back from the fridge and I’ve been mentally decimated with the harrowing realization that my bottle of rosé wine isn’t ice cold, but merely slightly chilled! Now I’ve been forced into the unenviable position of having to decide whether to consume my beverage at a disagreeable temperature or place the bottle back into the fridge and postpone my drink by ten, possibly twenty minutes. And the grieving families of Amy Winehouse and those Norwegian victims think they’ve got it bad! Sheesh.

But alas, I soldier on. Because in times of tragedy, that’s all you can do.

As Breivik was arrested and charged with acts of terrorism with what can only lead to lifetime imprisonment, I got to thinking about another killer currently serving time, albiet for different crimes than the one a large proportion of society loathes him for supposedly perpetrating, the legend that is OJ Simpson. Presently completing a 33 year term (with the possibility of parole in 9) in Lovelock Correctional Centre in Nevada, The Juice is already over two years into his sentence and has probably learnt his lesson, so I think it’s time he was released with a slap on the hand, a stern warning of “now don’t you ever do that again, mister!” and sent on his merry little (alleged) head-severing way.

With all the death and destruction currently attacking newspaper headlines with the relentlessness of King John attempting to invade Rochester Castle in 1215 (too soon?), now’s a better time than ever for OJ to slip out the back door without anyone causing too much of a fuss over it. One murderer in, one (alleged) murderer out. It evens itself out, you see.

And the reason I’m so insistent on OJ concluding his days of using that trademark yard-rushing speed to evade sodomy from Aryan skinheads, hiding month old fried chicken in his asshole and digging a tunnel with a rockhammer behind a strategically placed poster of Raquel Welch is because quite frankly there is potential profit to be made in the long-awaited comeback of a former hero. Look at Mickey Rourke and Robert Downey Jnr, both with embattled and chequered pasts, who revived their careers with a mighty resurgence. OJ Simpson can do the same. And who knows, maybe together, with just a modicum of patience and a sprinkling of earnest detective work, we can finally find the real killer.

OJ really knows how to carve up white meat.

Once OJ is released, we’ll start with the inaugural ‘Freshly Squeezed: The Juice is Loose Tour 2011’, with OJ traveling around American cities giving speeches about the most efficient blades in slicing up no good bitch wives  the importance of turning over a new leaf and making a change for the better. He’ll make a dramatic entrance in his white bronco, entering the stage to Rod Stewart’s ‘The First Cut is the Deepest’. It’ll be guaranteed to make us a real killing.

Then there’s the little issue of reversing OJ’s Hollywood blacklisting. Not to worry — it’s nothing a few well-placed bribes of free delivered Chinese food and diamond-encrusted dreidels (specifically made by freezing the tears of Palestinian orphans) can’t alter. First up will be a long-awaited spinoff from The Naked Gun. Since the great Leslie Nielsen is now using his fart machine in the sky, the only way the franchise can continue is by reviving the greatest comedic creation ever put to celluloid — Nordberg!

Sorry Peter Lupus, but the world wants, nay demands a return to the silver screen for the version of the injury-prone detective that uses cocoa butter. The plot could involve Nordberg being wrongfully accused (another great Leslie Nielsen movie) of the murder of Jane Drebin, and show how he journeys on a valiant quest to clear his name and find the real killer, all the while slipping, falling and experiencing other entertaining pratfalls.

Once that’s being developed, it’ll be time to adapt OJ’s beloved and bestselling memoirs ‘If I Did It’ into a motion picture. OJ will of course play himself, and we could attempt to cast Lisa Lampanelli as Nicole and Woody Allen as Ronald Goldman. We’ll also contact Paul Hogan for a tongue in cheek cameo reprising his iconic role of Crocodile Dundee for a scene where he sneaks into the house during the crime and asks “You call that a knife?”. Oh, hilarity will certainly ensue.

New York Times Bestseller

As the level of OJ’s popularity will at this point rival his days as a ’70’s NFL star, the world will be ready for some OJ merchandising. What better gift for a loving wife than an OJ Simpson bobble head doll? “Look how it’s head bobbles!” (unlike someone else we know), they’ll exclaim with glee. Then there’ll be some patented OJ insulated oven gloves, which will all be made too small for average-sized hands. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of $$$, baby.

Then, with OJ’s acclaim and approval building to an unparalleled crescendo, the icing on the cake will be revealed when the Republican Party request and nominate OJ for their presidential candidate to take on Obama in the next election; largely because he’s pro-torture, and partially because since the Klitschko cyborgs put a tedious stranglehold on heavyweight boxing, white America has been desperate to watch two black guys beat on each other. And then the next President of the United States, OJ Simpson, completing his awe-inspiring return to the hearts and minds of American citizens, will lead the country forward into a new era of prosperity and improved stabbing techniques.

Either that or he’ll fuck it all up again by getting arrested as soon as he’s released. Anyway, must dash, my wine should be cold enough now. Let me know if someone else dies.

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