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The Comeback of OJ Simpson

July 31, 2011 Leave a comment

For the last few days, every time I’ve switched on the TV I’ve been bombarded with reports of death, murder and bereavement. Over the last week it’s been nearly impossible to avoid news of Amy Winehouse’s untimely demise in her Camden abode or the horrific killing spree in Norway by Anders Behring Breivik, a far-right gunman responsible for wiping out 77 people. There’s been more death than at a party at Sharon Tate’s house (too soon?). I’m genuinely flabbergasted that Winehouse croaked before everyone’s favorite celebrity cretinous crack whore Lindsay Lohan, who is somehow still in this mortal realm. I wonder what the odds were on that?

But while I keep hearing about the tragedy of all those lives taken away by the crazed Norwegian murderer, no one even takes a solitary second to ponder my problems. I just came back from the fridge and I’ve been mentally decimated with the harrowing realization that my bottle of rosé wine isn’t ice cold, but merely slightly chilled! Now I’ve been forced into the unenviable position of having to decide whether to consume my beverage at a disagreeable temperature or place the bottle back into the fridge and postpone my drink by ten, possibly twenty minutes. And the grieving families of Amy Winehouse and those Norwegian victims think they’ve got it bad! Sheesh.

But alas, I soldier on. Because in times of tragedy, that’s all you can do.

As Breivik was arrested and charged with acts of terrorism with what can only lead to lifetime imprisonment, I got to thinking about another killer currently serving time, albiet for different crimes than the one a large proportion of society loathes him for supposedly perpetrating, the legend that is OJ Simpson. Presently completing a 33 year term (with the possibility of parole in 9) in Lovelock Correctional Centre in Nevada, The Juice is already over two years into his sentence and has probably learnt his lesson, so I think it’s time he was released with a slap on the hand, a stern warning of “now don’t you ever do that again, mister!” and sent on his merry little (alleged) head-severing way.

With all the death and destruction currently attacking newspaper headlines with the relentlessness of King John attempting to invade Rochester Castle in 1215 (too soon?), now’s a better time than ever for OJ to slip out the back door without anyone causing too much of a fuss over it. One murderer in, one (alleged) murderer out. It evens itself out, you see.

And the reason I’m so insistent on OJ concluding his days of using that trademark yard-rushing speed to evade sodomy from Aryan skinheads, hiding month old fried chicken in his asshole and digging a tunnel with a rockhammer behind a strategically placed poster of Raquel Welch is because quite frankly there is potential profit to be made in the long-awaited comeback of a former hero. Look at Mickey Rourke and Robert Downey Jnr, both with embattled and chequered pasts, who revived their careers with a mighty resurgence. OJ Simpson can do the same. And who knows, maybe together, with just a modicum of patience and a sprinkling of earnest detective work, we can finally find the real killer.

OJ really knows how to carve up white meat.

Once OJ is released, we’ll start with the inaugural ‘Freshly Squeezed: The Juice is Loose Tour 2011’, with OJ traveling around American cities giving speeches about the most efficient blades in slicing up no good bitch wives  the importance of turning over a new leaf and making a change for the better. He’ll make a dramatic entrance in his white bronco, entering the stage to Rod Stewart’s ‘The First Cut is the Deepest’. It’ll be guaranteed to make us a real killing.

Then there’s the little issue of reversing OJ’s Hollywood blacklisting. Not to worry — it’s nothing a few well-placed bribes of free delivered Chinese food and diamond-encrusted dreidels (specifically made by freezing the tears of Palestinian orphans) can’t alter. First up will be a long-awaited spinoff from The Naked Gun. Since the great Leslie Nielsen is now using his fart machine in the sky, the only way the franchise can continue is by reviving the greatest comedic creation ever put to celluloid — Nordberg!

Sorry Peter Lupus, but the world wants, nay demands a return to the silver screen for the version of the injury-prone detective that uses cocoa butter. The plot could involve Nordberg being wrongfully accused (another great Leslie Nielsen movie) of the murder of Jane Drebin, and show how he journeys on a valiant quest to clear his name and find the real killer, all the while slipping, falling and experiencing other entertaining pratfalls.

Once that’s being developed, it’ll be time to adapt OJ’s beloved and bestselling memoirs ‘If I Did It’ into a motion picture. OJ will of course play himself, and we could attempt to cast Lisa Lampanelli as Nicole and Woody Allen as Ronald Goldman. We’ll also contact Paul Hogan for a tongue in cheek cameo reprising his iconic role of Crocodile Dundee for a scene where he sneaks into the house during the crime and asks “You call that a knife?”. Oh, hilarity will certainly ensue.

New York Times Bestseller

As the level of OJ’s popularity will at this point rival his days as a ’70’s NFL star, the world will be ready for some OJ merchandising. What better gift for a loving wife than an OJ Simpson bobble head doll? “Look how it’s head bobbles!” (unlike someone else we know), they’ll exclaim with glee. Then there’ll be some patented OJ insulated oven gloves, which will all be made too small for average-sized hands. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of $$$, baby.

Then, with OJ’s acclaim and approval building to an unparalleled crescendo, the icing on the cake will be revealed when the Republican Party request and nominate OJ for their presidential candidate to take on Obama in the next election; largely because he’s pro-torture, and partially because since the Klitschko cyborgs put a tedious stranglehold on heavyweight boxing, white America has been desperate to watch two black guys beat on each other. And then the next President of the United States, OJ Simpson, completing his awe-inspiring return to the hearts and minds of American citizens, will lead the country forward into a new era of prosperity and improved stabbing techniques.

Either that or he’ll fuck it all up again by getting arrested as soon as he’s released. Anyway, must dash, my wine should be cold enough now. Let me know if someone else dies.

The anti anti-defamation league.

July 11, 2011 4 comments

Yesterday I was pondering a few topics to myself and posing some questions. I wondered, do fat people find other fatties attractive? Does being grotesquely overweight mean you’re attracted to other morbidly obese people? Answers on a chocolate-smudged postcard, please. I also speculated, do Asian people have peripheral vision? I genuinely don’t know. Again, answers on a postcard, slanty-eyes. Preferably with a fortune cookie attached.

Then I got to thinking, completely at random, about GLAAD, the ‘Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation’. They’re an organization that monitors speech and actions primarily in the media. Those involved in its operation consider themselves to be on a valiant “mission” to highlight instances of homophobia and offensive anti-gay remarks in order to pressurize the management of media groups into taking punitive measures against the offenders, as well as aspiring to increase acceptance of homosexual and transgender people everywhere.

And the overwhelming thought that kept vigorously bouncing back to the forefront of my cerebrum when I analyzed the nature and work of GLAAD was: what a complete bunch of faggots.

Zoinks! I just said the ‘F’ word, and I don’t mean fusilli! That must mean I’m a vicious, bigoted homophobe, right? If GLAAD were made aware of this, they might wish to somehow have me reprimanded like the mischievous miscreant I am! And if they did, I’d think to myself, man, GLAAD really ARE a bunch of faggots. Not because many of their members enjoy shaking their anorexic hips to repetitive euro-dance or happen to gleefully spread around AIDS in regular bouts of drug-fuelled sodomy. No, I’d consider them faggots because they’re acting like authoritarian pussies that want to control what you can and can’t say, and just as predictably as a Frenchman waving a white flag at the first sign of danger, they instantly burst into a fabulous, sparkly, glittery, petite, effeminate ball of camp indignation as soon as they’re, wait for it….OFFENDED!

Because everyone gets so offended these days. ‘Faggot’ is considered a hateful, offensive slur? Well I consider the attempted banning of the word ‘faggot’ offensive, just as I would to any word I might wish to utter. It’s called ‘free speech’ for a reason. Am I against homophobia? Of course I am. Hating anyone because of their race, sexuality, nationality, taste in breakfast cereals, or rampant Boy Meets World fanaticism (Hi Eric Matthews, I hope you’re reading!) is despicable. But you know what’s more despicable? Attempting to censor language and control people’s lives like a despotic little weasel.

The president of GLAAD.

Language is all about context. Do I mean ‘faggot’ as ‘gay person’ in this instance? No. I mean ‘faggot’ as in complete fucking twat. There are actually different meanings to words, even the naughty ones. I know, who would have thought that? Apparently there’s even this book (a book is like a blog but on something known as ‘paper’, it’s all very confusing, I know) called a ‘dictionary’ that lists different meanings to some words. What a novel concept, eh?

And if I were to call someone a faggot meaning ‘gay’, it would be towards a straight guy that’s acting significantly less masculine than his sexuality would suggest. If a heterosexual dude reveals that he enjoys watching Sex and the City or Glee, I’ll call him a faggot. If he takes it upon himself to bend over in front of me, pull down his pants, insert his fingers into a disturbingly pre-lubricated anus and earnestly enquire if I perchance admire the appearance of his rancid asshole on this particular Monday afternoon, then I think you’d agree that he’s acting like a faggot. By saying ‘faggot’ do I hate gay people? Of course not.

Hell, the limp-wristed fairies should love me. I support gay rights by default because I simply don’t care. I’m all for gay marriage because I couldn’t care less who gets married to one another or whether traditional wedlock is sullied by two people with the same genitalia wanting to tie the knot. Love is love, regardless of gender. It doesn’t hurt me in any way, so why should I be against it? If a guy wants to stick his cock in another guy’s sweaty consensual ass in the privacy of their own, no doubt wonderfully decorated home, as physically repulsive as that is to me personally, more power to them. And there are plenty of cool, commendable and kind gay people in the world. Homophobia doesn’t make any sense and I have absolutely no problem with gays. I do however have a problem with thin-skinned cowards that hate free speech, with aspirations to be an authority over everyone else, and obnoxious douchebag drama queens that run to the teacher and cry “homophobe” over every little thing that damages their precious likkle feelings. Basically, people that act like faggots. Like GLAAD (who frankly don’t seem to be that glad much of the time).

The dude has a point.

That’s the real issue here: the idea of offensive language, and the government and ‘anti-defamation’ groups attempting to dictate your lives, just like the FCC in America. They want everything to be controlled, pre-packaged, censored; because they think they know what’s good and bad for you. Don’t think for yourself, let us control your life! You belong to us, and you will watch what we deem acceptable for you to watch. You will speak in the way and use the language in which we deem appropriate for you to say. And if you try to think for yourself, maintain some semblance of self-control or dare to use language that may hurt someone’s feelings, then we’ll label you with disparaging terms like ‘bigot’ and ‘racist’ and ‘homophobe’ and ‘anti-Semite’ and ‘big smelly horrible meany’. Then you’ll feel bad, and will do what we say! And if that doesn’t work, fuck it, we’ll just sue you. Now doesn’t that sound like a fun world to live in, kids?

It doesn’t matter whether it’s GLAAD, the NAACP, the Jewish Anti-Defamation League or an organization designed to defend transsexual midgets, these PC associations are cancerous to society and to freedom of thought and speech.

Want to call a tranny a ‘tranny’? No sir! That’s offensive to both Glen and Glenda! Want to refer to someone that’s acting like a moron as a ‘retard’? They’ll be having none of that, because that’s offensive to legitimate retards (even though they’re probably too retarded to know that someone said the word ‘retard’, and are probably far more invested in the dribble that’s currently journeying aimlessly down their retarded chin). Political correctness must be stopped on all levels before it goes too far. But then, maybe it already has.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a little retarded fella.

The ‘defense’ groups exemplify so much of what is wrong with today’s society. So much of the civilized world is wading through the feces-laden swamp of oversensitivity, and these pandering organizations actually cause more hostility and separatism between everyday people and the minorities they strive to ‘protect’. Eventually every possible minority of sub-group will have its own defense league, attempting to eliminate freedom of speech and transform the world into a mass-controlled, fear-laden dystopia where no one says what they really think and everyone’s afraid of stepping out the door in case they offend one another. Whatever happened to people’s collective testicular fortitude? Where’s everyone’s balls?

Language is being increasingly softened because everyone’s a pussy these days. The asinine pointlessness of euphemisms has augmented to the point of absurdity. Retards are ‘differently abled’. Blind people are ‘visually impaired’. The deaf are called ‘hearing impaired’. Stupid people aren’t stupid anymore; they have a ‘learning disorder’. Ugly people are called ‘those with severe appearance deficits’. Can you imagine two guys, nursing a hangover and discussing the previous night’s events with one another, but in the politically correct, truth-concealing vernacular?

Sam: “Joey, all that booze you consumed last night really left you visually impaired. I can’t believe the female person with equal rights to us that you had intercourse with. I considered taking you to a mental health maintenance organization to consult a healthcare professional of either gender due to your choice in female people.”

Joey: “She’d left my house that is situated in an economically-disadvantaged, multi-cultural neighbourhood of criminally-inclined, socio-political victims before I awoke. How physically-challenged was this strong-minded female person?”

Sam: “Oh man, she had severe appearance deficits. She seemed hygienically-troubled and was covered in beauty marks. I really thought you had learning difficulties when I saw you kissing her. I said to my diversified and completely equal group of friends, including my homosexual friend, my African-American friend and in sign language to my hearing impaired friend that you were going to feel like one who is differently-abled the next day!”

Joey: “Oh, sorry I’m going to have to call you back. One of the aforementioned criminally-inclined members of my equal, multi-cultural community has decided to break into my living room and is currently commandeering my television set. I must try to apprehend him before he enters his substandard housing full of similarly economically-disadvantaged victims who may be carrying shooting devices capable of neutralization.”

Sam: “Okay. Oh, I’ve just seen on the news that a group of Arabic explosive enthusiasts have caused a kerfuffle by rearranging the physical structure of an established building in New York and depopulating the nearby area. Be aware if you visit the city. Toodles!”

Why think for yourself, huh?

Possibly the worst euphemism is the ‘The N Word’. The N Word? You mean nigger? Then fucking say nigger, nigga! ‘N Word’ is just a way for white people to say ‘nigger’ and not get in trouble. When you say ‘N Word’, the word ‘nigger’ is placed inside the listeners mind, so they’re going to hear the word regardless of whether you say it or not, you dumb white honky crackers!

The government wants to control information and language because that’s the way you control thought. Just like religion, which when simplified is nothing more than mind control. Language is the biggest example of the PC pussyfication of the western world, and because of this I’ve decided to tackle the issue head on by officially creating my own Anti Anti-Defamation League, focusing on what is considered to be acceptable language. I’ve decided to call it the ‘The Committee for the Unified Nomenclature and Terminology Society’, or C.U.N.T.S for short. My organization will be publicly indignant every time one of these anti-defamation groups feel the need to bitch and moan and whine and stamp their foot on the ground like morose teenagers and cry “Stop saying things that I don’t like or happen to agree with!”. We will highlight the scumbags that wish to censor and control us and eradicate free speech and we will force them to be punished. We will also do everything in our power to pressure TV executives into bringing back Firefly. Most of all, we will leap from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, while hoping each time that our next leap, will be the leap home.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle! There is hope, like-minded people of the intranetz. Granted, C.U.N.T.S at the present time basically consists of me, my cat and a considerably creased poster of Quantum Leap’s Dr Sam Beckett (isn’t he dreamy, GLAAD?). But by jove, it’s a start. And one day, maybe one day, you and I can live in a world where people will accept us for who we really are, where the general public will treat us white heterosexual males with equality and respect, and where we, the majority, we’ll share the same rights as everyone else. Just remember though, whatever you do, don’t act like a faggot.