Scottish Independence? Och Aye!
Scotland-land of undulating hills, spectacular glens and lochs, and a welcoming people? Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle asserted that Glasgow, typical of most Scottish cities, “is like Blade Runner without the special effects” and “like Paris…after a nuclear war”, while before venturing to Scotland one should turn their watch back roughly 25 years. As much as iconic poet Robert Burns would wax lyrical about his country’s rich natural beauty and his people’s proud strength, quite frankly I’m more inclined to agree with Boyle.
Let’s be realistic here. Scotland could be best described as the living incarnation of Tolken’s Mordor. Haddock-white flesh puckered by the Highland breeze; an incomprehensible tongue, filled with little else than obscenities and volume; the nauseating stench of whiskey and deep-fat fried slabs of uncooked meat permeating the air; pregnant teenagers vomiting on the laps of cackling, ginger-bearded brutes; incessant drizzle, following the people around like clouds of despair; the screeching sound of bagpipes akin to the agonizing screams of a dying child; men viciously head-butting each other for no apparent reason; kids, desperately praying that one day they leave this ginger, gloomy, booze-soaked dystopia for the safety and comfort of England.
Every Scotch man, woman and ‘wee bairn’ that’s suffered the curse of being born in Scotland wishes they were English. Which is why it’s positively mind-boggling that certain members of the Scottish government are calling for independence from the British union. Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond is the spearhead of this nationalist movement, calling for a referendum and tirelessly working to achieve his vision of Scotch secession from the United Kingdom.
One has to wonder if Mr. Salmond has recently been the victim of an atrophied frontal lobe, or he simply wishes to imprison his people within the confines of their dark realm without any light at the end of the tunnel (that shining beacon of course being passage south) because he’s an evil, dastardly man. Perhaps next he’ll attempt to put forward plans to air Taggart 24/7 on Scottish television (“MUDDER all day long!”), or ban smiling. Do the depths of this man’s malevolence know no bounds?
If Scottish independence indeed transpires, it will inevitably lead to a situation dangerously similar to the America/Mexico illegal immigrant problem. With an official border being sanctioned, Hadrian’s Wall will become an enforced barrier to stop illegal Scottish immigrants from crossing over, and will be increased in size and scale. Much like the Mexicans do, the Scotch will be desperate to escape their increasingly hostile land for the freedom and contentment of England. England will have to employ border patrol police as the Scottish fence jumpers become the bane of the English government’s existence, renowned for the dampness of their pallid, freckled backs and their insistence on boisterous singing despite trying to avoid detection.
This will in turn lead to cultural division between the native English and the immigrant Scotch. The English people will suffer as the illegal Scotch take their jobs, with economically-ravaged companies preferring them to the natives as they’ll work for a deep-fried mars bar a day instead of minimum wage. Before you know it, Haggis Bell’s will be popping up all over the place with only the Scotch being employed there. Overzealous police officers will demand that every Scotsman in the country shows his papers or else be instantly deported back north.
The illegal immigrant Scotch will attempt to masquerade as English in order to avoid detection, no doubt employing such methods as dying their unsightly ginger hair in darker tones of brown and black, devouring tic-tacs by the dozen to mask the scent of whiskey and broken dreams lingering from their breath, replacing aggressive displays of “A dinna ken!” with affable greetings of “jolly good show, old chap!”, resisting the urge to throw a large log in the air every time they pass some woodland, and cutting down their weekly thievery to just three stolen Primark t-shirts a week.
Scottish ghettos will materialize in every rundown section of England’s cities. Scotch street gangs will each have their own gangsta tartan and ride pimped-out used-Skoda’s, as the poison of Glasgow begins to infect the streets. Gang wars will ensue between the illegal Scotch and the blacks and Asians. It’ll be like the Warriors with overweight Glasgow Rangers fans. Chaos will reign supreme, and before you know it, they’ll be more of them then us!
This is the very real threat brought on by Scottish independence. People of the United Kingdom, you have been warned. Oh, they’ve got great golf courses though. So, um, at least there’s that going for them.