Bin Laden’s Royal Wedding.
So wacky Islamic terrorist leader and stoning enthusiast Osama Bin Laden was finally found and killed, shot directly in his head by US Navy Seals inside a fortified compound in the city of Abbottabittabattabuttaderkaderkabad, leaving a bullet-sized hole in his unwashed turban the size of Paris Hilton’s STD-ravaged vagina. While the American government has officially claimed responsibility for the death of the deranged 9/11 mastermind, Japanese company Sony have been informing people that they in fact should be credited for his capture and subsequent killing. Apparently Bin Laden had all of his contact information placed in his Playstation Network account.
During the raid on the compound, several other Al Qaeda members were also killed, while there were thankfully no casualties among the American military operatives that stormed the building, though one of the elite fighters was said to have ‘cut his pinky’. Another of the soldiers was said to have almost passed out due to “the rancid stench of vindaloo curry emanating from thousands of sweaty brown pores…it will haunt me forever.” The Navy Seals that infiltrated Pakistan did so without the Pakistani authorities’ knowledge, which many believe is why Osama was actually found. The Pakistani government was fiercely indignant when faced with accusations of covertly assisting Al Qaeda, and in an official response said “NO YOU!”.
Not all American citizens are convinced that Bin Laden is dead though, despite Obama’s administration providing DNA evidence. A spokesperson for the self-proclaimed ‘Confederate American Group’ who claim to represent the voices of the majority of southerners in the US have asserted that Bin Laden can’t be dead, because he saw him give an interview in the White House earlier today. Meanwhile Asian communities in the UK including those in Bradford, Leeds, Birmingham and Manchester have held solemn memorials in town centers, with Islamic flags being held half-mast outside Chicken Cottage takeaways in honor of their fallen idol. In an ironic twist, these melancholy parades have been interrupted by white protestors burning turbans instead of poppies and carrying signs reading “Behead those who insult common sense and rationality”.
Now while I’m extremely happy that this sick, worthless and despicable Islamic scumbag has finally been dealt with, I’m annoyed that Bin Laden couldn’t get his followers to perform one last act against the western world before his demise. That act, you ask? Bombing the ever-lovin’ hell out of the Royal Wedding.
If there’s one faction of self-important scum that I detest as much as Al Qaeda, it’s the Royal Family. The Queen, Prince Charles and the rest of the equine excrement that make up that congregation of cunts are the putrid, pulsating boil on the ass crack of the United Kingdom. So you can imagine how I felt about William and his bride to be tying the knot in a very public affair last friday.
The only thing worse than these snobbish, redundant, elitist, tax-dodging, buck-toothed, secret-society linked, Princess Diana-killing vermin was the absolute hysteria that the notorious Royal Wedding garnered from every corner of the globe. Rather than be appalled at the overwhelming absurdity of a monarchy existing in this day and age, the world’s population has been celebrating the marriage of the ‘royal young’uns’ like it’s the second coming of Elvis and Michael Jackson combined. As TV stations across the globe cancelled their originally scheduled programming to air this overblown, ostentatious puddle of wank, news stations dedicated hours, nay, days of coverage towards it. And in England, the country stopped in it’s tracks to embrace two posh fucks that couldn’t care less about them, the “commoners”, and the whole time I asked myself: “WHY?!”
WHY did thousands of mongoloids of all nationalities converge around Buckingham Palace and Pall Mall to catch a glimpse of the royal couple as they made their way from Westminster Abbey to the Palace? WHY have Americans in particular being obsessed with a horse-esque twat and his barely above average-looking wife in a ridiculous gown? WHY did watching these inbred mutants somehow invigorate Brits with a sense of patriotism when the royal family do more to hurt their country than help it? WHY did BBC1 feel it appropriate to replay the same 5 second footage of the couple kissing again…and again…and again…? WHY didn’t someone lock Camilla Parker Bowles in her stable and distract her with a months worth of hay so the world didn’t have to witness the horror that is her grotesque face? And WHY…oh WHY couldn’t have Al Qaeda bombed the lot of them to the moon?
Hell, I would have taken those small-time Irish dumbasses from the IRA. Shit, I’d have been content with a bunch of pissed off midgets with miniature explosives strapped to their diminutive chests. Anything. But there wasn’t a hitch, and everything went smoothly, much to my chagrin. Then a couple days later, after not acting when he should have, ol’ crazy beard was found and killed.
The hysteria of the public towards the royal wedding got me thinking. Osama could have avoided assassination and completely overturned the terrible reputation he accumulated by simply copying what Will and Kate did-by staging a royal wedding of his own (which would inevitably be followed by the ‘Royal Beheading’)! If the world went crazy for the Brits, they’d surely show an equal appreciation for the ragheads, right? Imagine the ‘Jihadist Wedding 2011’. Instead of ‘Will + Kate’, it would be ‘Osama and Nameless Female Servant #9’. Rather than the opulent furnishings of Westminster Abbey, it’d be the rustic charm of a dank Pakistani cave…with several balloons and streamers!
Rather than deliver wedding vows, Osama would quote the Qur’an about the evil of infidels, while Nameless #9 wouldn’t be allowed to talk underneath her black ninja costume. But it would still be totally compelling. Afterwards, Osama would feast on the finest Halal foods (and by ‘finest’, I mean the most recently captured wild goats outside), and Nameless #9 would enjoy the leftover bones and grease in a separate part of the cave. Then, a few hours later, Osama would consummate his ninth marriage in the same way he did with his previous eight: 35 second intercourse, and if Nameless #9 were to dare reveal any semblance of pleasure during this, she would be stoned to death by the remaining wives. A truly noble death.
Granted, it would lack the pizzazz and razzmatazz of the royal wedding, but I’m certain the Jihadist Wedding would topple the western world’s perceptions, make them forget all about that little 9/11 thingy, and embrace Osama in the same way they opened their arms to Will and Kate.
But it’s too late now, because the camel jockey’s dead. Oh well. Maybe it’s time for Kim Jong-Il to stage a little Korean marital union of his own before it’s too late. I did hear that the fearless leader is a little ronery…