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Holocaust: The Musical

I’ve had some admittedly questionable ideas in the past. Like the time I thought it apt to attend a Halloween party in a predominantly black neighbourhood painted in blackface, or an ephemeral three week period where I made a legitimate attempt at vigilante crime-fighting under the ill-advised porn star-sounding name of ‘Justice Hardcastle’. Most of those three weeks were spent in the same area as the Halloween party. Probably just a coincidence.

However every time I bring up my latest marvelous conception, I get treated with the utmost disdain, and I’m on the receiving end of worse looks than those given to Roman Polanski at an elementary school sex education class. And all because I tell them I have an idea to create a comedy musical based on the Jewish Holocaust.

“That’s offensive!” they cry, “You’re being insensitive!” they assert. What they seem unable to fathom is that my Holocaust musical is the complete opposite-in my story, the Jews actually win. While some would point at the worlds financial industries, news media, music business, jewelry industry and Hollywood as evidence that the Jews already have won, I’m referring to victory during the Holocaust. Rather than the extermination of 6 million Jews, in my revisionist take on the ol’ slave labour saga, only a couple thousand meet their untimely demise, because of a lone hero that escapes the concentration camps and proceeds to infiltrate Hitler’s security team, finally killing him and putting an end to World War 2 before the worst of the genocide transpires. It’s a happy ending for the Jewish people, kind of like ‘Inglorious Basterds’ but with considerably more dancing. Its a real feel good story for all the family, and will no doubt be a real gas.

And I’m not the first to be associated with the concept; the great Mel Brooks had a similar idea with ‘Springtime For Hitler’ in ‘The Producers‘ and the following video:

To show the utmost respect to my audience, I promise to give survivors free tickets to the show and sit them all in the front row so they have the best seats in the house. That’s because if the media picks up on reality TV stars attending, it’ll increase awareness in the musical. I wonder if season 1 winner Richard Hatch is out of jail yet?

I realize I may have trouble getting many Jews in the door if the tickets are priced more than 5 bucks a piece, so I’ve envisioned an additionally astute marketing ploy, involving attempting to book Jackie Mason as a warm-up act before the show. If we can’t get him, Jim Davidson can be called in as a last resort. Either should be fine.

So now that you agree that my Holocaust musical is an amazing idea, let’s discuss potential casting. To showcase my desire to be an equal opportunities director, I plan to saunter into the realm of avant-garde and audition any kind of ethnicity that wishes to try out for the role of Adolf. I’m open to the idea of a black Hitler, an Oriental Hitler, a gay Hitler, a cockney Danny Dyer-esque Hitler, a midget Hitler or even Gary Busey. But no Mexican auditions. The last thing any of us need is to see some of the Schutzstaffel props being stolen and sold down an alley in East Los Angeles the next morning. I mean, that’s just common sense.

I’m also willing to give Mel Gibson a career lifeline and offer him a role in the play. I know he’s had his troubles recently with a lying, parasitical whore and her edited tapes, and his occasional intoxicated rant about various ethnicities. But Mel Gibson was in four classic Lethal Weapon movies and motherfucking Braveheart. I wouldn’t even care if was a loathsome granny-robbing, child-molesting Islamic Extremist with a penchant for bigamy, trafficking underage sex slaves and casual feline molestation, he’s Martin fuckin’ Riggs, man. You know? Plus I could just cast Mel as one of Hitler’s associates and he wouldn’t even need to read the script. Simple!

The protagonist in my play is a Jewish hero named Max Bergberg. He obviously needs to be played by a genuine Jewish actor for authenticity (or we could just get Gary Busey and put a fake nose on him). In his role he’ll really stick it to the gentiles! I mean really stick it. As in multiple sex scenes with sexy blonde Aryan women that will take place on the stage and leave nothing to the imagination. In one of these debauched performances, upon reaching orgasm, Max will deliver the line “Now I’ve just done to you what you’ve been doing to my people!”, no doubt to a rousing applause from an overjoyed audience of families with confused and awestruck young children.

In another scene they’ll be some kickass action, where Max will use a rubber prop knife and sever a Nazi soldier’s hand off, with a prosthetic limb hurtling across the stage and a fountain of fake blood squirting out of a tube placed underneath his arm. Then Max will shoot several Nazis dead and deliver the line:

“Consider that Kosher. Mazel Tov, bitches.”

Now if that won’t win me a Tony Award, nothing will.

Gary Busey: Capable of playing anyone.

Once the casting is arranged, the real magic will begin. I’ve written a number of enthralling musical numbers for the play, such as the following song, to be serenaded by Max and an assemblage of malnourished-looking extras. Picture the smoke machines billowing out the vapors of the gas chambers as Max looks to the captivated audience and sings…

Chorus:

We’ve had enough and we’re at the end of our wits!

We’ve got to escape from the hellish Auschwitz!

No more gassings and death to the Jews,

We’re fighting back and this time we won’t lose!

Verse:

I’ve had it up to here with your Nazi ways

Enough is enough and it’s time for a change

I’m going to break free from your evil camp

I’m going to be known as the Jewish champ

You’re not Mein Führer and I’m not down with starvation!

I’m not into forced labor or general deprivation!

Shaving my head is unnecessarily belligerent

I love my curly locks and I won’t be obedient

Because my hair’s not blonde and I don’t have blue eyes

You seem to think that I personally killed Jesus Christ

You think you can stop me with a little cyanide

But I’ve got vengeance in my plans, so you better go hide!

I’ve got a message for Heinrich Himmler,

When I find you I’m going to chin ya

After all your genocide, I’m going to make you whine

I’m going to stick a frankfurter where the sun don’t shine!

Jews, gays and retards,

I will avenge everyone that’s been killed

With my proud Jewish heart of a lion

And my big brass balls of Hebrew steel

I’m on a genital castrating trip to Munich

Gonna crush his only ball so he becomes a eunuch

So when Adolf’s with Eva, his little Nazi mate,

He’ll permanently be unable to procreate

I don’t eat pork but I recognize a pig

I’m going to bury you bastards so you better start to dig

Hitler and company, you should get out of town

We’re gonna turn these death camps upside down!

Chorus:

We’ve had enough and we’re at the end of our wits!

We’ve got to escape from the hellish Auschwitz!

No more gassings and death to the Jews,

We’re fighting back and this time…wewon’tloooooose!

And the crowd will go wild. Another big musical number will involve a cover of Queen’s ‘Princes of the Universe’, sung by Hitler, with bondage clad Nazis dancing around him. At the end of it the stage will darken and a bright spotlight will be placed on Hitler. He will hold out his arm in a stiff Nazi salute and say “There can be only one…superior nation on earth”.

Finally, to send everyone home happy and deliver a message of peace and tolerance as Max stands over the bloodied carcasses of several dead Nazis, we’ll get some Muslim extras to rush to the stage screaming “Allahu Akbar” as if they’re going to blow up the theatre, only for them to lock arms with the Jewish extras and start Irish riverdancing with a special rendition of War’s “Why Can’t We Be Friends“. A beautiful end to a beautiful show.

So there you have it-possibly the greatest idea of all time. Your welcome, society.

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  1. AyeLewisTheCunt
    April 27, 2011 at 6:11 am

    “To show the utmost respect to my audience, I promise to give survivors free tickets to the show and sit them all in the front row so they have the best seats in the house. That’s because if the media picks up on reality TV stars attending, and it’ll increase awareness in the musical. I wonder if season 1 winner Richard Hatch is out of jail yet?”

    ROFLMAO!!! LOLOLOL!!!

    Sobbing laughing………..literally sobbing.

    As a suggestion only, would it be possible for the Jewish hero to throw razor sharp skull-caps in a fashion resembling shuriken ninja stars??

    Actually, would it be possible to somehow work some ninjas into the story. Completely out of context and historically inaccurate, but they’re fucking NINJAS and you can never go wrong with them.

  2. April 27, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    I agree wholeheartedly with your superb suggestion and shall hastily add ninjas to the script. Adding ninjas to anything instantly enhances a product tenfold. Imagine Schindler’s List…WITH NINJAS! Or Braveheart…WITH SCOTTISH NINJAS! Or 1993’s Philadelphia…WITH NINJAS CARRYING AIDS! The possibilites are endless.

    It may increase the expenditure having to hire 30 Chinese extras, but my word will it be worth it.

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