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Commercializing Christianity.

Making money-it’s what Jesus would do. Right?

Well, it’s what a lot of his so-called followers have tried to do through his name. And why not? However, they can do so much better. In these capitalist times, it’s just good business to try and make an antiquated, absurd and hateful religion like Christianity more marketable for a mass audience. Think of the potential $$$!

Now I’ll be the first to tell you how ridiculous Christianity is, and how it completely boggles my mind that in this day and age, in a supposedly evolved and civilized society, that people still genuinely believe in such asinine lunacy and fairytale nonsense as Christianity. I’d expect such primitive, backwards stupidity out of the Middle East, but in America and Europe? It never ceases to amaze. Stupidity and irrationality are still ripe within the first world.

These days Christians are pretty harmless, I admit. They may still openly state that anyone that doesn’t believe in their particular brand of ancient bullshit will spend an eternity in a nightmarish prison chamber (or an eternal Justin Bieber concert-both are similarly hellish) but nowadays their most notable transgressions consist of molesting little choirboys and throwing dirty looks to guys who’s wrists are a little on the limp side.

It wasn’t always this way, of course. More wars have been fought over religion throughout history than anything else; the years and years of Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the purging of the Cathars, the persecution of Jews throughout history, the falsified witch hunts in Salem, the 700 year long Reconquista, the holy wars between Catholics and Protestants, particularly all of the deaths in Northern Island, and George W Bush’s invasion of the Middle East, to name but a few. Years of bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance, all in the name of a pretend levitating carpenter with a beard. These days the worst offenders are the Muslims, a religion that’s even more senseless than the Bible Bashers.

One of the American founding fathers named Thomas Paine once said it best: ‘All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.

Deceased comedy genius George Carlin also hit the nail on the head in the following video while talking about the ‘Ten Commandments’.

Christianity was invented by man simply to scare and control weak-minded primitive people, manipulating their fear and confusion and benefiting from the frequent conflict that religion brings. It’s all about control, control, control-humans desire to control others. It’s the primary reason organized religion exists. Carlin explains this perfectly, and in the process exposes the Ten Commandments for the bullshit they really are.

I strongly believe in God, and atheists are some of the smuggest twats on the face of the earth. What I don’t believe in is the cancer that is organized religion, which is actually a barrier between man and God. But since it exists, and thanks to the manipulation, indoctrination and general stupidity of the human race, it ain’t going anywhere, so why not try and make some money off of it?

The Church has been passing the collection plate around for years, so this isn’t really that different. And what do you think Christmas is? All I’m suggesting is a more vigorous approach. Here are some ideas:

-An E-Bible for the Kindle

When traveling Christians are on the go but want a constant taste of Jesus in their mouths without the bother of dragging around the holy book with them, what better than an electronic Bible? If a fanatical Christian is partaking in a lengthy excretion in a hotel toilet but has an unyielding desire to read about how the Bible condones slavery or claims that the earth is flat, he can! This could be marketed to a whole new audience of Godless sinners and a younger generation that, gosh darn it, just think books are for dorks! Now the Bible can be cool again! Soon all the popular kids will be down with mindless bigotry, yo! Yay!

-Christian food

They say you are what you eat. I regularly eat pussy so I’m not sure I agree with that theory, but nonetheless Christians can eat Christian food and show their faith by gobbling down treats. How about ‘Christ Crackers’, an edible biscuit in the shape of a crucifix? Try some ‘Pious Punch’, an energy drink that really gives you a holy burst of endurance. Show your commitment to the cause by drinking the ‘Blood of Christ’ (it’s just cranberry juice). Mmm, tasty and spiritual! Though when Jesus said he was the ‘bread of life’, this probably wasn’t what he meant.

-A home baptism set

For those poor souls that missed being water-boarded the first time. They pay for the water too, so it’s super-profitable!

-Improved retail ‘God Hates Fags’ signs.

Those wonderful folks at the Westboro Baptist Church have become quite renouned for their colourful and open-minded signage recently. However, these devout desecrators don’t realise that their boards could be mass marketable if simply tweaked a little. A brighter colour here, some more lamination there, and mixing up the messages-how about ‘God Hates Two and a Half Men’? Or ‘Sodomy: It’s a Pain in the Ass!”. Amazon would be storing them in no time!

-Christian pornography

Sex sells, and so would Jesus doing anal to some young freshly-turned 18 year old wench behind his carpentry shed while a sexy Asian whore masturbates herself with a small cross. That’s not just a money shot, that’s a licence to print it!

-A Catholic priest anti-pedophilia chip

The Vatican holds more kiddy-fiddlers than Mel Gibson owns Nazi paraphernelia. So here’s what I propose-a small chip placed into the flesh of every Catholic priest, as soon as they enter the priesthood. This chip is directly linked to the Vatican’s bank account. Every time a priest’s penis so much as touches the skin of a young boy, the chip relays a message to someone, who then is legally bound to take several thousand dollars/euros from the Catholic funding. That money then goes to charitable causes, but we, the designers, recieve a percentage of it. Granted, neither the technology nor the legality of such an enterprise has yet been found, but it’s a start. Hey, I just made pedophilia charitable! Take that, other philanthropists!

-Ghetto Jesus

In order to attain every demographic, we need to create specialized material. One of the biggest audiences we need to reach is the black community. To do this, Christianity has to be ghetto-d up. Sure, there’s vivacious black churches that sing gospel and preach about black Jesus, but that doesn’t appeal to most blacks. We need to reach the ghetto. I’m talking about Christian gangsta rap. Lyrics about pimpin’ hoes and shooting up rivals should be mixed with rhymes about rising from the dead and avoiding Jews. Jesus should be presented as the biggest pimp of them all. How about:

Yo I’m a thug from da hood and I ain’t down with da devil
I’m a gangsta like Jesus, he on another level
Cause Christ was a pimp and so am I
One day I’ll be in da ghetto in da sky
I buss caps in fools, I killed about seven
Homies know only Christians gonna reach Heaven

Then there’s the ‘grill’ that reads ‘HOLY’ in thick solid gold lettering. And ‘G’ can stand for God! Now that’s gangsta, y’all.

-Children’s toys

If there’s one thing religious people do well, it’s indoctrinating kids at a young age. Most religious people were brought up religiously, and don’t have the mental capacity to see why they’re idiotic because it’s all they’ve known from the moment they reached adequate cognitive function. Likewise, we should aim for the kids in getting their parents money too!

How about a miniature cross that transforms into a self-defence weapon (to protect against Jews, obviously) with a few simple adjustments? This plays into the popularity of the Transformer movies, and thusly will sell like hotcakes with the youngsters. Every excited kid will beg their parents for a toy that’s both educational and violent! “Thanks mom, now I can accept Jesus and stab the people that killed him!”

There’s others that have already beaten me to it, like moronic MMA fighters wearing t-shirts reading “Jesus Didn’t Tap” (presumably his submission defense was solid?), Christian bumper stickers bemoaning atheist drivers, and a real life Christian theme park for those who think general rollercoaster’s just aren’t Godly enough. But more can be done, so let’s get together and make some money! I’m considering calling it ‘Faith Inc’.

Praise the Lord!

  1. April 16, 2011 at 1:56 am

    Your lambasting of Christianity is essentially baseless. I understand where you are coming from; most people who profess to be Christians these days have not thoroughly thought through the matters and just continue carrying the torch passed down to them by their parents. However, there are some extremely intellectual Christians out there who actually have explained *why* Christianity is a legitimate world-view and not resort to “it’s just a leap of faith” reasoning. Look into the academic side of the Christian faith before going and acting as though it is the most nonsensical, ridiculous, and fantastic thing anyone could ever believe and that anyone who believes it must be a moron.

    Thank you,

    • He Cant Say That
      May 17, 2011 at 7:27 pm

      You’re an idiot.

  2. April 16, 2011 at 2:28 am

    Christianity is a “legitimate world view”? If you genuinely believe that then I’d say you’re a legitimate crackhead, Colin. There certainly are some intelligent people that are also Christians, who then go and embarrass themselves with their significantly less intelligent beliefs. These people don’t need an absurd book to maintain their morality.

    Anyway, the article isn’t an argument against the intellect of Christians, it’s satirizing the idea of making the religion marketable.

  3. He Cant Say That
    May 17, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    anothertroubledyouth :
    Look into the academic side of the Christian faith before going and acting as though it is the most nonsensical, ridiculous, and fantastic thing anyone could ever believe and that anyone who believes it must be a moron.

    Colin, that is what we do every day of our lives, through science. What new discoveries have been made regarding religion? It’s all nonsense conceived by naive scholars who believed the world to be flat, held up on pillars. Times have changed, dude. If there was a god why was he happy to converse with chosen dudes way back when yet keeps his mouth shut when we need he more than ever?

  4. December 7, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    You are an ignoramus. Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He was resurrected on the third day. You criticize what you do not know, because you have not read the holy scriptures nor do you know the truth. “All who believe and are baptized will be saved.” If you knew the truth, you wouldn’t speak ill of Christianity. You will die in your sins.

  5. December 7, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Christianity is more than a world-view. It is salvation to those who believe. From the belief in Jesus Christ stems all charity, love, hope and faith. You are all infidels.

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