Home > Uncategorized > The Ridiculousness of Steven Seagal Part 1

The Ridiculousness of Steven Seagal Part 1

Ladies, gentleman, hermaphrodites, mongoloids, midgets and the Welsh, I have something heinous and shocking to admit to the world — I’m a Steven Seagal fan.

Now that you’ve thoroughly cleaned your keyboard from the abrupt shower of vomit that I just caused you to disgorge, allow me to explain. I’m not a fan of the obese, squinting, washed-up action star for the same reason that the majority of his small, loyal fan base of muttonheads are. No, I love Steven Seagal because he’s the most unintentionally funny man on the planet. There is literally no one else on God’s green earth that is more ridiculous, absurd and mind-bogglingly delusional than the beached whale bigamist. So I decided to catalogue the most ludicrous aspects of Seagal’s cookie crumb-laden life and career and provide a comprehensive list, narrowed down to 12 segments. Because of the length of this post, I’ve halved it into two parts.

1- Seagal’s Weight

Evidently fond of copious trips to All You Can Eat buffets, with his countless layers of flab in 2011 Seagal closely resembles a bloated, leather-skinned Michelin Man. With an enduring love for stuffing cheeseburgers down his gullet with all the verve of a crackhead at a Colombian coke lab, Seagal hasn’t worried about his widening girth affecting his status as an aging action hero. Closely resembling Mr. Creosote from ‘The Meaning of Life’, Seagal’s bulbous mammaries, quadruple chins, sagging jowls and a gut that looks like it’s impregnated with triplets tell a tale of a man that clearly stopped giving a fuck a very long time ago. In fact, if Seagal were to explode like the aforementioned Monty Python character, there would be enough ‘second helpings’ discarded in the close vicinity to feed the entire population of an average Indian village.

Prone to wearing long overcoats in his movies in an embarrassing attempt to mask his repulsive corpulence, Seagal has all the carnal appeal of a three hour rectal examination. For someone to have made a living as a superstar in the action genre to show such laziness and flagrant disregard for his body in nothing short of hysterical. Yet in his mind, he is a self-proclaimed ‘sex symbol’. I’d imagine 9/10 women would rather fuck a rhino, plus it wouldn’t smell as bad.

2- Seagal’s Ego

The only thing that can legitimately rival the size of Seagal’s belly is the enormity of his egotism. In this man’s deranged cerebrum, he is an undefeatable demigod, incapable of being physically bested in battle by any man (Gene Lebell disagrees, but I’ll get to that in part 2). To exhibit his supposed invincibility, Seagal has always ensured that he barely receives a scratch from his enemies during movie fight scenes, where he almost always destroys foes without succumbing to a solitary punch. There is never a struggle, because Seagal’s ego won’t allow it.

One of his most hilariously narcissistic episodes involved Seagal refusing to film a death scene for his character on the set of Executive Decision, claiming that his fans wouldn’t accept such a monumental event. He held up production for days until finally acquiescing after being threatened with contractual breach.

John Leguizamo, who co-starred in the film, said that during rehearsals Seagal sauntered onto the set and arrogantly declared “I’m in command, what I say is law, anyone not agree?”, which understandably led to Leguizamo cracking up with laughter at this absurd pomposity. Seagal then took it upon himself to cheap-shot Leguizamo, a guy half his size, and slam him into the wall for his insolence. Leguizamo also said that when the fatman finally relented for his big death scene, “It was 6am, he was supposed to die… and we shot his death at 8 p.m”. Not only is Seagal’s ego the size of his gut, but he has all the class of a pubic louse.

Another priceless example of Seagal’s ego was when he hosted Saturday Night Live and demanded that the cast perform sketches that Seagal himself had written rather than the material they already had. One of these masterful ideas, according to Dana Carvey, involved Seagal playing a psychiatrist that talks to a rape victim, and while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself. Lorne Michaels spent hours explaining to Seagal that the concept wasn’t funny nor even if they made a rape sketch funny, they would never be allowed to put that scene on the air, but Seagal thought it was comedy gold.

When Nicolas Cage said that he could be the biggest jerk to ever appear on SNL, Lorne Michael’s replied “No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.”

3- Seagal’s Misogyny

Which transitions succinctly to the next chapter of Seagal’s ceaseless hilarity — his horrendous treatment of women and deluded belief that he’s some kind of sex symbol. It seems rape scenes aren’t something the fatman likes to remain simply in a fictional realm.

Numerous reports have been made by women that claim Seagal asked them to take their tops off for him to grope their breasts, which according to the stout sensei was done so he could show them where their “spiritual meridian points” were located, as well another woman saying that he claimed he was “looking for lumps”. Man, Seagal really is a charitable fella, huh? The same woman also claimed that “Seagal reached his hand down my pants. He said, ‘I just wanted to touch it for a second to see what it felt like.’”

Ironically these days it would be more entertaining to motorboat Seagal’s man-breasts than a female assistant’s. And if Seagal said to you “I want to eat you out” he’d probably mean he’s about to put your ass on a barbecue. But it’s not just unknown women that have complained of Seagal’s molesting malarkey:

Jenny McCarthy was one of Seagal’s casting couch victims. “They were casting Playmates for Under Siege 2,” she recalled. “I was the last audition, dressed frumpy and plain, the way I usually go, and I walk into his office and it’s only Steven. His office has a huge shag carpet – shag, I’ll repeat that, shag – and a huge screaming casting couch. Casting, casting, casting, casting couch. And he says, ‘Listen, I can’t tell what your body looks like with what you’re wearing, so why don’t you stand up and take off your dress?’ “I started crying, and I said, ‘My video’s for sale for $14.99, go buy it if you want to see.’ And I ran out to my car, and he grabbed my arm and followed me and said, ‘Don’t ever tell this to anybody.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you are gonna regret this one day.”

She was a handful.

Ticker actress Jaime Pressly also claims Seagal tried to give her an “unlicensed massage” during some downtime on the set in 2001. Speaking about an appearance on Howard Stern, she said:

“I got back at Seagal on Howard Stern, I didn’t press charges against him for violating my privacy. I never had that happen to me before, inappropriate behavior. He crossed the line. But I got word from his lawyer that Seagal doesn’t want me saying bad things about him. I told my lawyer to tell his lawyer to tell him that I wouldn’t say another fricking word about it because I already got back at him on the Stern show, but people wouldn’t say bad things if he didn’t do bad things. “

But there’s MORE! Julianna Margulies worked with Seagal on Out For Justice, and said:

“His trailer is around the corner from mine on the Warner Bros. lot, and I was walking by recently and he said, ‘Margulies, come over here and show me some respect!’ He’s not someone I keep in touch with.”

As you’ve probably gathered, Seagal has about as much respect for women as he does for his own physique, and his rampant bigamy further suggests that’s the case.

While still married to his first wife Miyako Fujitani (whom he was obviously just using in order to stay in Japan) he married former Days of Our Lives actress Adrienne La Russa. During his time with her, he met Kelly LeBrock, who he began a relationship and had a child with. His marriage to La Russa was annulled, and he then married LeBrock, but then divorced from her while having an affair with Arrissa Wolf, a nanny to his children. He’s currently with a fourth wife, who must spend every waking day worrying about what’s going to occur first; Seagal’s inevitable affair with another woman, or waking up inside a large cooking pot with Seagal pouring salt on her thighs.

Yet another report was made about his treatment of women, by former CIA employee Robert Strickland:

Raeanne Malone, one of four women hired by Warner Bros. to serve as Seagal’s personal assistants, is in the bathroom of his trailer, brushing her teeth. Strickland watches as Seagal begins loudly calling for Malone, saying he needs her immediately. She emerges still brushing her teeth. “Gee, Raeanne,” says the man of honor and protector of the weak, “You look like that when I come in your mouth.”

In May 1991 all four assistants – Malone, Nicole Selinger, Christine Keever and another woman – quit because of Seagal’s continuing piggery. Three of them threaten to bring sexual-harassment charges against him. Malone and another of the women, in return for a pledge of confidentiality, are paid in the vicinity of $50,000 each.

But the coup de gras of Seagal’s sexist belligerence was the revelation that he had been trafficking sex slaves after a former assistant, Kayden Nguyen, alleged that he sexually assaulted her and kept two young Russian girls in his residence to indulge in his every sexual need 24/7. The whole case happened to mysteriously fade away with no conclusive ending, which means Seagal once again paid out a fuck-load of cash to keep her quiet. Either that or he revealed to her why Richie did Bobby Lupo, and that knowledge is priceless.

The highlight of these wacky shenanigans was the accusation by Nguyen that Seagal exhibits a “unique physiological reaction” to sexual arousal. While possibly the most revolting, vomit-inducing imagery that could ever be conjured up, the idea that Seagal probably develops lactating nipples every time he gets an erection just furthers his status as the world’s most ridiculous man. He could probably breastfeed a whole preschool with those things.

His feelings towards women are highly ironic when he himself exudes a much more feminine presence every time he attempts to run:

4- Seagal’s Hair

Completing his look as the most hideous man in the world, it looks like Seagal exhibited some of his mysterious “Ki-power” on an unsuspecting skunk and killed it before proceeding to place the dead animal on his head as a makeshift toupée. Whether it’s a wig or hair plugs, the thing resting on top his cranium resembles a rugged piece of old carpet or the fuzzy material they used to use for GI Joe (or Action Man as it was known here in England) doll’s hair. It never moves (much like the man it’s sitting on top of), and even in the windiest of gales would remain as stiff as a corpse.

Early on in his career, Seagal’s hair was balding significantly, as the below picture shows:

Rapper DMX (who unsurprisingly had nothing but negative things to say about his experience with the fatman — “He’s a dickhead” said Mr. MX) claimed Seagal has spray on hair. Whatever it is, that Dracula widows peak and trademark girly pony tail ensure Seagal never leaves the house without looking like he belongs in a circus troupe.

5- Pretending to be black

Either Seagal is the biggest fraud on the planet or he genuinely happens to transcend race and transforms into new ethnicities over time, kind of like a fucked up Dr Who. Shockingly, it’s actually not the latter. In the past Seagal has enjoyed pretending to be Italian and Japanese respectively, but his current adopted cultural persona is that of the black man. Just when the sight of a bloated, squinting, pony-tailed douche bag couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Seagal decided to try his hand at “Ebonics”, the language of the ghetto. All of a sudden Seagal was “gangsta” and seemingly under the impression that he was from the hood.

In the majority of Seagal’s direct to DVD era filmography, Seagal has portrayed this insane ‘black man’ version of himself, most hilariously of all in the abominable ‘Today You Die’, an unintentional comedy classic where Seagal mumbles out ‘thug talk’ with all the street credibility of Bill O’ Reilly. Seagal even ensured that one of the black characters remarked that he “walks like a black man and breathes like a killer.” Absolute madness.

Das mah nigga rite dere!

But it wasn’t just in his movies that Seagal asserted that he was a genuine brotha, oh no. Seagal took it one step further, and took on a second career as a black bluesman from the deep south, surrounding himself with actual black people for authenticity and releasing two hilarious albums with his band Thunderbox, including such hits as “Talk to my ass”. But according to Seagal, he’s just as valid a bluesman, who in his own words said:

“I came up in Detroit and there was a lot of blues. I didn’t learn blues from a fucking record; I learned it from the front porch. There were all these people from Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas and I learned from them.”

Now, Seagal and his family moved from Lansing, Michigan to Fullerton in California when he was 5 years old. So according to the fatman, all these old black blues players taught a 5 year old boy everything they knew, as if he was some spooky infant prodigy with the soul of a struggling black man (note: Seagal is half Irish and half Jew). Quote the Seagull:

“Little Milton hadn’t heard me play before. I was doing this Lightnin’ Hopkins thing. Milton looked at me and nodded, like he was trying to say, “This mutha ain’t white.”

No Steven, what he was trying to say was “this honky needs to lose some fucking weight and stop acting like he’s got a year long tan”. Fraudulence or insanity? I’d say a healthy dose of both.

That’s all for part 1. Next up are segments 6-12 in part 2 below, complete with accidental typo:

http://theflyingguillotine.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/ridicuousness-seagal-part-2/

  1. He Cant Say That
    August 17, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Dude, this is the most accurate biography of the man I’ve ever read.

    Well, it’s the only one, but still, I bet it’s the best!

  2. August 17, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Thanks dude. And it’s only half the story! Check out part 2.

  3. Joseph Madre
    August 27, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    Don’t forget to include how he beat the living shit out of Kelly LeBrock to the point her own entertainment lawyer firm threatened to dump her if she didn’t leave him.

  4. Ron
    September 8, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Writting shit about somenone makes you feel good?

    that’s a bad sign.

  5. September 11, 2011 at 11:50 am

    LOL!

    Ron, your tears are delicious! Please keep crying. And yes, I feel awesome.

    Oh, and I’m “writting” about “somenone”, am I? Does being an illiterate fuck with the IQ of a bathroom towel make you feel good?

  6. Hussy
    September 22, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Lol Seagal really is a fat fucking useless pig of a man.

  7. November 7, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I’ve attended Steven’s training camps, and I have to say that he is none of the things you say he is. Warm, kind and honest is what he is.

    God bless Steven, and screw you buddy.

    Rob.

    • Eunice
      July 5, 2013 at 5:09 pm

      Some make fun of him, but at least his movies have action. And why talk about his looks? Would you do the same with the plastic women like Cher and Anderson? Of course not, they are silly women who opt to stop their age at 30. Men can’t try to look their best but women can?

    • bob
      January 27, 2014 at 1:44 am

      Steven’s training camps? You mean McDonalds?

  8. November 7, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Haha.

    Thanks for that enlightening reply, “Rob Redmond”. You’re definitely not a paid sycophant on the fatman’s payroll. No, definitely not at all.

    And I’d certainly imagine you know all about Seagal’s ‘warmth’ when he’s ejaculating on your face every night, sex slave. “Training camps”, indeed.

  9. November 8, 2011 at 12:13 am

    Yeah, thanks for your unenlightning reply rimgobbler. Just an observation, but your photo, if we’re talking body language, seems quite gay.

    No offense if you are gay, that’s your right, in much the same way it’s your right to have a place like this where only your opinion is the right one.

    If I said, sure, Seagal is a fat steaming pile of shit who can’t keep it in his pants, do his own stunts, or Aikido for that matter, you’d say, great post dude.

    If however I said that you’re a knob scoffing, shirt liting, brown hatter, then you may not be quite as cordial.

    Mr. Seagal, or Stevie, as everyone at the last seminar was asked to call him (by the man himself) is kind hearted and loving, so maybe you’ve got a shot. He may be happy to give you a blast of his “Ki” around your starfish, or maybe cuff you to his Bohemian canoe.

    You may think Stevie doesn’t know about you and your negative comments, but he has eyes and ears everywhere!

    Cheers Fudge Nudge, Roberto.

    • November 8, 2011 at 6:36 pm

      Hahahaha!

      It didn’t take much to set you off on that long-winded display of extreme insecurity, did it? All I had to do was briefly acknowledge your obvious repressed homosexuality and BAM, a furious barrage of gay insults (probably typed away in sparkly pink fingerless gloves). You’re so far in the closet, Rob, I’m surprised you haven’t reached Narnia yet.

      I certainly imagine Seagal asked you to call him “Stevie” as he bent you over and inserted his manhood into you (while resting several layers of flab on your lower back). “Give it to me, Stevie!” you no doubt exclaimed like a gleeful sex slave. “You’re so kind-hearted and loving!”

      I also like the sudden change of name from “Rob” to “Roberto”, as if your second reply wasn’t already the gayest post of all time, you’ve now seemingly dropped the charade and fully embraced your queerness. Maybe next time you can invite Juan and Sergio for the next “Stevie Seminar”?

      Fat Stevie has eyes and ears everywhere, does he? Yikes! I hope he doesn’t hunt me down or send the fearsome Stevie Superfans after me (complete with your Bohemian canoe), you butthurt muttonhead.

      • kainan
        May 12, 2013 at 12:33 pm

        F%&$k you ass-hole ……….

  10. Stan Parvey
    November 8, 2011 at 2:26 am

    Hey Rob, just a wild guess, but are you really Stevie in cyber form?

    Just wondered. Stan.

    P.S What’s a Bohemian canoe?

  11. November 8, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Stan, I’d be inclined to agree but for the fact that apparently “Stevie” isn’t computer-literate (who woulda thunk it?!) and even if he was, his chubby fingers would keep hitting two keyboard letters at a time, rendering his words useless.

    Unless of course he was dictating.

  12. Baz
    November 12, 2011 at 3:01 am

    Fuck I thought the article was funny, the comments are even better

    • dee
      September 10, 2013 at 4:50 pm

      Talk about gut wreching laughter these two guys have made my day and I will def come here when ever I want a good laugh! These have got to be the funniest back & forth replies I have ever read on youtube or any other forum anywhere! Thanx for the laughs guys,you guys are good. Lol!

  13. Dax
    November 15, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    The Rob commenter is an obvious fag, and his little website is even gayer. LOL

    Anyway, loved the articles dude

  14. December 11, 2011 at 5:12 am

    Mocking the hilarity that is Steven Seagal is one of my favorite past times. I found your article extremely entertaining and the best part is it’s all 100% fact. Hopefully Stevie will be providing us with many more years of heartfelt kindness and free entertainment.

  15. December 24, 2011 at 1:01 am

    Thanks, Ian. I hope the same. Considering his increasing interest in the UFC, I have a feeling there’s plenty more hilarity just around the corner.

  16. March 28, 2012 at 8:01 am

    This is fucking hilarious. More! More! To see Seagal try his hand at UFC would be the funniest moment in history. That serious “you’re in trouble” glare he would throw at his real UFC fighter from across the ring. I do hope this is not beyond his ego.

    • July 22, 2012 at 7:18 am

      Seagal in the octagon? We’d witness the finest 15 seconds of ineffectual slap-fu ever seen before his opponent punches him in the face for the swift KO. But it’s more likely he’d get stuck in the door walking in and after 45 minutes of trying to pry him out the event would be cancelled.

  17. El Malo
    April 10, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Great stuff. When I was living in Japan the rumor in Osaka was that he blackmailed his way in to get his black belt after marrying and impregnating the sensei’s daughter – and then left his wife & child high and dry after getting his 5th dan and a chance to be in the movies…

    • July 22, 2012 at 7:40 am

      He certainly did. He was just using Miyako Fujitani to stay in Japan and manipulate her into getting the belts and a dojo. When brighter prospects awaited, he was off and married Adrienne La Russa only for it to be annulled. Fujitani said: “My children don’t have any memory of him as a father”.

      Instead of being a Jew pretending to be a Buddhist, Seagal should have converted to Islam. Then his bigamy would have fit right in!

  18. Shan217
    May 28, 2012 at 2:19 am

    I would like to commend you on listing all the nonsense about this fat lump of incredible bullshit. It makes me cringe and laugh all at the same time. I pray for him to be interviewed and asked about any of these topics so he can lie even more. I’ve been in a dispute with this mental patient on youtube who genuinely believes Seagal would beat ex MMA heavyweight champ Bas Rutten in a fight. Rutten took the piss publicly after Seagal’s MMA shenanigan’s and a few of the deluded ones followers are running to his defence at the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70VCO062cUw

    • July 22, 2012 at 7:48 am

      Thanks. Seagal against Bas Rutten would last as long as Seagal devouring a double whopper — seconds. Fatman doesn’t do many interviews, partially because his lies, narcissism and absurd answers make it impossible for the interviewer to take him seriously, and because he believes the media is out to get him. If any of these topics were broached, he’d have a tantrum and quit.

      Recently he’s come out of his shell a little in backstage UFC interviews an attempt to recreate himself for a new audience (BACKFIRED!). In fact, admirable MMA troll Ariel Helwani asked Seagal about the Gene Lebell incident and the results were fucking hilarious:

  19. June 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Great piece. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ve always been frustrated that more people aren’t repulsed by this douche nozzle. Thanks for giving me a little bit of comfort. Also, you may want to look into writing a piece on Dog the Bounty Hunter, as he’s only slightly less of a douche.

    BTW, my buddy and I like to watch his new TV show “Law man” to dissect his idiocy. If you’ve never watched it, it’s the most perfectly self-serving, ego-maniacal, and accidentally funny show to hit TV. Definitely recommended for lulz.

  20. twathunter
    June 29, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    Witty, grammatically good, but clearly an excitable idiot who has nothing netter to do than write crap about people who have actually achieved something in heir lives. Offend? Talk down? Ridicule? Take the piss? Have no respect? Excel in negative verbiage and spouse hatred for kicks? Step up young man you just got a job! And oh, I expect you will have to respond with crude wit and LOL. Sorry, no twats allowed. And … oh dear oh dear, you qualify as a twat. Next?

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:02 am

      Crude wit and LOL

      You Seagal fans are tetchy, huh? Hehehe. I bet your mother’s dank basement where you typed that out is definitely a ‘twat free zone’, huh?

  21. Ben
    July 9, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Thanks for this survey of Seagal’s dickishness. I feel vindicated in my distaste for the man. One small correction: you wrote “coup de gras” where the correct expression is “coup de grace”. You can even add the correct accent if you want to be super fancy. Or maybe you were working on a whole ‘nother level, given that coup de gras translates literally to “blow of blubber”?!?

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:15 am

      No problem, Ben. I wasn’t sure what the correct expression was, but I’ll pretend I meant blow of blubber so it makes me sound cool on different levels. In fact, I just used a online translator, and it came out “blow of fatty one”. Perfect!

  22. July 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Oh my god, I could very well have written this myself… brother from another mother! I love Steven Seagal with all of my body (including my pee pee.)

  23. July 22, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Hey Matt, I love Seagal with my pee pee too! Let’s become BFF’s!

  24. Dick Shoulders
    August 18, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Great article. Comments were just as funny. Got anymore like this??

  25. Josh Every
    September 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    Segal is the biggest WANKER!

  26. October 8, 2012 at 4:32 am

    Priceless

  27. ethan
    November 3, 2012 at 12:49 am

    that hairline sure is epic

  28. headcase
    November 10, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    I was watching “Executive Decision” when I noticed something odd about Seagull’s hair, so I googled “Steven Seagal bad hair”. Sure enough, Google’s autocomplete algorithm beat me to it – giving the exact same syntax I was going for. Anyways, beforehand I had already decided this was a class B flick, but to paraphrase a review on IMDB.com, “although Steven Seagal is in it, it’s a decent action movie, mainly because it’s not a “Steven Seagal” movie.” After looking at the cast, those relaxing words were the main reason I chose to proceed beyond seeing Fatman’s name on it.

    At first I bought everything you wrote. But when it started really taking off, I couldn’t help but wonder whether it was just a satire, or real. After watching the interview with Ariel Helwani, I decided it was the latter. He really does come off as a jerk. I honestly believe some of the diagnoses you give him, may be real. A lot more real than the rug that sits ontop of his empty skull. Quite amazing.

    I’ve read this page on my phone on and off sinceabout yesterday, and it’s given me more than one laugh. I even forwarded it on my Facebook account, but I suppose most won’t bother reading. Their loss – personally I think it should be mandatory curriculum in school; you write brilliantly, but first because it’s important that people know this about the fat slob.

    Thanks for the laugh. Greetings from Norway.
    .

  29. November 27, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Headcase, I appreciate your comment and I’m glad I both entertained and informed you on the ceaselessly hilarious topic of the beached whale bigamist. Believe me, everything I’ve said about this rotund douchebag is true. He’s like a comedy character come to life. Since I wrote these two articles, Seagal has done an interview on a show called ‘The Voice’, and though I actually haven’t got round to watching it yet, I’ve heard that it’s another vintage display of pathological lies, narcissistic delusions and absolute nonsense spewed from the mouth of the fatman:

    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xugns7_th-vce-vs-stvn-sgl_shortfilms?start=3

    You’re from Norway? I just got back from a trip to Sweden. I’ve fallen in love with Scandinavia and sometime next year plan on doing a Sweden/Denmark/Norway triple bill. Beautiful part of the world and great people. Anyway, I haven’t updated this blog in about a year partially due to traveling, partially due to being a little busy, and partially due to being a lazy cunt. But I’m definitely gonna return to it very soon. Thanks for reading, and tell your friends.

    • headcase
      December 2, 2012 at 10:18 pm

      Born and bred. I’m glad you enjoyed your visit and that you find us interesting. If you drop by Oslo sometime during your stay in Norway, send me a mail and we’ll have a beer. Thanks for the link – definitely watching this!

      Kind regards,

      Stig

  30. Wiseman ;P
    November 27, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    I’m a Norwegian too, I have to say that I feel a bit bad for you man. You are a good writer though, no doubt. But you show a lot of low self esteem, people who have to talk shit about others, are always people who need to sort of lift them self, they have to find someone to push down, to show that they are better them selves. I know that deep down inside you, you want people to see you as a good person, but people will not see you as a good person if you talk shit about others, at least not wise people. I know Steven Seagal is not a perfect person, but at least he don’t talk shit about others, because he has a lot of self esteem, he doesn’t need to show people that someone are worse than him. I’m not trying to start any arguement here, I’m just trying to make you realise how many people who are doing this everyday.

    There is no use in answering me with some stupid comment, with impolite comments, then I won’t answer, I’m not a weak person, I know how to find out if somethings worth answering or not, because I know how to find out wether a person is full of shit or not. You see, a person who likes to talk, I let them talk, if you let them talk and shut up yourself it makes it easier to find out how full of shit they are.

    • CaseyRyback
      January 14, 2013 at 1:13 am

      Seagull is a rodent halfwit, Mafia dreg who thinks he’s some kind of king Tut, when in fact he couldn’t K.O. a cockroach.

      He DESERVES to be lambasted.

  31. November 28, 2012 at 10:37 am

    “Wah wah wahhhhhh! Stop making fun of people, you only do it because secretly you hate yourself!”

    Not quite, dingus. I’m in no doubt that I’m awesome, and lampooning others is just great entertainment. I guess those psychology classes up in Norway leave a lot to be desired. Morality and the notion of being a “good person” is clearly too complex and complicated for your highly inactive brain to comprehend, and if you think I want people to conclude that I’m a kind-hearted soul after writing THIS blog, than you’re obviously a few fries short of a happy meal.

    Oh, and Seagal doesn’t “talk shit about others”? Really? Really?! And you claim OTHER people are full of shit?! Thanks for the chuckle, Sigmund.

  32. pasta.spook@gmail.com
    January 2, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    I have to disagree with one thing. His music isn’t actually half bad. Everything else mentioned in the article I agree with. In the end, his crap is entertaining.

  33. Richard Barkel
    January 9, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    OMG I had tears rolling, that was damn good, damn good!

  34. CaseyRyback
    January 14, 2013 at 1:11 am

    Seagull has to be the biggest wanker halfwits in Hollywood, even today.

    Go watch his schlock ‘Belly Of The Beast’ and see his wooden face change ONLY when around the film’s ladyboy ‘henchwoman’! It’s a laugh riot and the French fry pilferer’s veritable coming out! lol

  35. CaseyRyback
    January 14, 2013 at 1:31 am

    “Talk To My Ass”…?

    ‘Thunderbox’ is Aussie colloquial speak for an outdoor toilet. Talk to his ass, indeed! xD

  36. Rob Redmond
    January 16, 2013 at 1:32 am

    Laugh it up assholes, cause Sensei Steven is booked to fight Ramone Desilva in Vegas this coming spring!

    Sensei Steven has chosen to go in with no rules, meaning tha eye gouging, head butting, and basically, anything goes!

    You guys here are just armchair Samurais, who talk the talk. Sensei Steven is the real deal!

    Just wait and see the true master of the octagon this spring!

    Rob Redmond.

  37. careful
    January 26, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    OK. So much bad things about the person. But where’s the good things? When you write only bad things, it clearly shows your opinion is not objective.

  38. Rob Redmond
    January 27, 2013 at 6:50 am

    careful :
    OK. So much bad things about the person. But where’s the good things? When you write only bad things, it clearly shows your opinion is not objective.

    Well said brother, says Sensei, whom I just emailed your quote to.

    This site is all hate, whilst Sensei Steven is the exact oposite.

    Sensei told me that the willow might bend in the storm, but the cow that weathers the same storm, yet gives sour milk, lets us know where we stand within nature.

    Quote: “Hatred is the weakness of the weak.” (Sensei Steven)

  39. Rob Redmond
    February 5, 2013 at 9:14 am

    ***Update***

    Sensei Steven is planning to now fight three, yes, you heard it right, THREE fights over three days in Brazil, titled, ‘The Trio In Rio’.

    His fights will be against Heff ‘The Freight Car’ Wallins (pro wrestler), Francisco Busco (three times world Ryuha Kai Karate champion), and heavy weight Greco Roman champion Zak Brannenheim.

    Sensei Steven told me personally that the Vegas fight was cancelled by the asshole sponsors due to his wish to donate the money from ticket sales to charity. (Corporate jerks)

    Tickets will be available on Sensei’s new website soon.

    Best wishes.

    Rob Redmond.

  40. Fatassed Front Kick of DOOM
    February 10, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Rob Redmond :
    Sensei told me that the willow might bend in the storm, but the cow that weathers the same storm, yet gives sour milk, lets us know where we stand within nature.

    Beautiful, thanks for sharing. Indeed, Sensei has a unique and indepth understanding regarding the Zen properties of milk.

    Sensei cracks woody
    The sound of one hand fapping?
    His manboobs gush milk.

  41. Rob Redmond
    February 13, 2013 at 2:22 am

    Fatassed Front Kick of DOOM :

    Rob Redmond :
    Sensei told me that the willow might bend in the storm, but the cow that weathers the same storm, yet gives sour milk, lets us know where we stand within nature.

    Beautiful, thanks for sharing. Indeed, Sensei has a unique and indepth understanding regarding the Zen properties of milk.
    Sensei cracks woody
    The sound of one hand fapping?
    His manboobs gush milk.

    Mock the words of the messenger, but to slay the message itself, is to kill the source of truth.

    Sensei Steven.

    You guys are gonna have egg on your face come April.

    Rob Redmond.

  42. Rob Redmond
    February 23, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Listen up losers, because this is history in the making!

    The three fighters from the fight in April all backed out. (Big surprise, not!)

    Now Sensei is planning something even bigger! Five in the Hard Drive! Yeah!

    Sensei will fight five bad mothers online, wearing a motion sensor suit. This can record damage that is real, record the power of the strikes, and all kinds of neat stuff.

    Log in to his new site fore the details.

    Rob.

  43. Ragnar Lindroos
    March 3, 2013 at 6:39 am

    I think hair resemble a penguin or Mickey mouse

  44. Rob Redmond
    March 11, 2013 at 3:30 am

    Hi guys, just passing by to give the latest scoop.

    Sensei Steven has released a new DVD, ‘Frozen Stiff’ about an oil company worker in Alaska who is forced to use his martial arts skills to deal with enviromental polution issues by an evil corporation.

    This DVD is only available to fans who log onto Sensei’s new site ($25.00 menbership).

    Check it out before it’s sold out!

    Rob.

  45. Rob Redmond
    March 13, 2013 at 12:49 am

    Thanks to all the fans who signed up to the new website, Sensei’s words.

    The new DVD is selling like crazy, and so is the new movie box set of Under Seige 1-4!

    Also guys, check out the trailer for Sensei’s new movie this year, ‘Rabid Bullet’!

    Cooool!

    Rob

  46. March 17, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Hifuckinglarious. I have just left a Seagalesque parp and wet patch after reading your ritual disembowelment of the senseiless bloatman. I’d love to see his high kicks today. His riding sho(t)gun with the Miami keystones was another loony tune…”hey man, you godda chill, calm , find you’re inner peace” he says to a bewildered street hoodlum trying to assess this V-browed, nirvana-spouting brahmin ass kicker. The way he fights in his ‘I am so calm and unruffled but with hidden depths’ movies is like watching a manic finger-puppeteer who’s been chewing on an adrenal gland or playing thumb wrestling. Love it.

  47. jack b :-)
    March 22, 2013 at 2:27 am

    Well, the first two parts of your unique insight into this guy had me wanting more, but after reading through all of the posts – especially the priceless wisdom that is ‘Wonder-Rob’ – I simply can’t stand another second of it. I just c-a-n-t b-r-e-a-t-h-e… !

    I laughed so hard my contacts floated out and went God only knows where.

    I’m gonna have to go regroup. For about a week, or hell, a month. Then I’ll come back and try it again. What if I stick some of those needles in my back – you know, the one’s with the little faux incense in them? – maybe then the ol’ sensei will give me the courage to return for another dose of this side-splitting comedy.

  48. Rob Redmond
    March 25, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    jack b :-) :
    Well, the first two parts of your unique insight into this guy had me wanting more, but after reading through all of the posts – especially the priceless wisdom that is ‘Wonder-Rob’

    – I simply can’t stand another second of it. I just c-a-n-t b-r-e-a-t-h-e… !

    Yeah, and that’s what Gene Lebelle said whe Sensei choked him out.

    And if you buy the special edidion director’s cut version of Sensei’s new movie, ‘Collosal Meltdown’ available on Sensei’s new site, ($27.50 for new members+$10.95 shipping) you can see Sensei choke out not only Mr. Lebelle, but also a string of so called UFC fighters!

    Get your copy before it’s sold out!

    Rob.

  49. Rob Redmond
    March 29, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Hi guys, BIG BIG news on Sensei’s latest movie, in production as we speak!

    The movie (in 3D) centers around a former CIA/ former Navy SEAL, Trueman Packer, who is the last one left standing after Cubans take over the Pentagon, and plan to launch nuclear missiles at Russia to cause ww3! To make matters worse, the President’s eight year old son, Josh, (a computer genius who helps to save the day) just happens to be in the building somewhere.

    Spoiler alert. Sensei kicks ass!

    Release date is due to be in the fall.

    Other great news is the start of a new reality show called Lawman TSA.

    You heard it here first sports fans.

    Rob.

  50. Rob Redmond
    April 7, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Hollywood assholes! The producers have pulled the plug on the new reality show, Lawman TSA after the first pilot episode. Any of you guys see it on HBO? It rocked! Sensei said that he had talks with homeland security, and they were the ones who took it off the air because Sensei was giving away too much information that could be used against us by the terrorists.

    Sorry guys, but you gotta wait for the summer for ‘Pentagon Down’, or the fall for the soon to be a hit, ‘Transmitter Invasion’!

    Rob.

    • G1rlVeteran
      July 11, 2013 at 9:49 pm

      Yeah, his “reality” show was such a big hit that you can’t find one episode on TV even in the wee morning hours on FX, Bravo, etc. Perhaps OWN, or the Lifetime Channel might be showing it since it’s about a big fat bitch dishing out “the law”. Oh, my bad, Sensei is a dude???? Well, in the words of Steven Tyler, “Dude Looks Like a Lady!!!!”

  51. Rob Redmond
    April 13, 2013 at 4:34 am

    Worst news ever guys, Sensei had a heart attack during recent on-stage performance of his Blues hit, ‘When the Cowboy Rides Home’. He’s in stable condition, and all of your wishes go with him I know.

    As of now, all film projects, (Transmitter Invasion, The French Foreign Legion Connection, Under Serge, a mock porn film with lines such as, ‘He’s a Navy eel” and “No, I’m just a cock!” have been put off until Sensei recovers. Again, I know all of your prayers go with Sensei, but now, as you can imagine, his fate lies in the hands of God.

    Rob.

  52. Rob Redmond
    April 17, 2013 at 5:06 am

    Big, Big, BIG news guys! Sensei told me last night after training, that he’s gotten word from Tokyo, after they heard of his heart attack, that he’s been bumped up to tenth dan! This makes him the highest ranking foreigner in martial arts history ever!

    Rock on Sensei, rock on!

    Robby

    • G1rlVeteran
      July 12, 2013 at 5:22 am

      Why do you bother describing his porno as a “mock porn movie”? As if that master of disaster (as an actor and a man, that is) is capable of making a film other than a “mock” anything. He is a “mock” human, a “mock” actor, a “mock” martial artist, a “mock” blues musician, a “mock” sex symbol, a wearer of “mock” hair, his complete bastardization of the art of fighting, and a “mock” beached whale… oh, actually, that is the only one that isn’t “mock”. he is, in fact, an actual beached whale. Ummmm, you also have no fucking clue about the world of martial arts. I highly doubt he is a “tenth dan” in any art, other than the culinary arts, perhaps… that greasy fat ass…. and there are other people with “tenth dan” ranking… one of whom I trained under for several years. All of his kids are black belts and any one of those little girls would devastate Seagal. Eat a dick you ignorant worshiper of the fattest, ugliest cross-dresser to ever live!

  53. Rob Redmond
    April 18, 2013 at 3:23 am

    Sensei bounces back!

    Check out Youtube guys! Sensei did a full marathon…yes, a full marathon after being released from hospital! The man you see in the movies is the man on the screen, the cool guy, the tough guy that everyone wants to be. He donated a full ten percent…yes, ten percent of the money he raised to non specific charities!

    Thanks for your support guys, and please log onto Sensei’s latest website to see the behind the scenes footage of his latest titles:

    Triumphant Warlord
    Dragon Invasion
    Unlucky Justice
    Hope Within
    Permanent Justice 3D

    Visit the website guys, Rob

  54. Rob Redmond
    April 18, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    Thanks guys for your support. We are now getting fifty thousand hits a day!

    Sensei is on a high!

    Keep checkin’ out the DVD’s people.

    Rob

    • May 9, 2013 at 5:13 pm

      Thanks for keeping us all abreast (no pun intended) on Seagal’s current news and whereabouts, Rob. I’ve insulted you in the past, but now I see I was wrong about you. You’re simply a devoted servant to the Over-gorged Overlord of DTV, there to cater to Seagal’s every whim, be it wiping his capriciously lactating man-titties, providing him with donuts at a moments notice or disposing of a litany of malnourished Romanian sex slaves in ditches. I appreciate your dedication to the man so consider this an olive branch.

      Despite my lampooning of Seagal, feel free to pass on a message of encouragement from me. I hope his fight with Heff ‘The Freight Car’ Wallins is rescheduled as that would be a battle for the ages, though I would urge the Brazilian fight commissioners to take his recent heart attack into consideration and allow Seagal the usage of a taser for the first 30 seconds of each round to compensate for the slight decrease in cardio disadvantage.

      Also wish him good luck for me for his dual roles in the upcoming DTV thriller ‘Zen Execution’ where he plays Dick Tanahashi, a Japanese man of serenity that takes down a Yakuza-run whaling company with bloody ruthless violence, while doubling as the whale “Billy” in groundbreaking split screen technology.

      Best of luck!

      • G1rlVeteran
        July 12, 2013 at 5:24 am

        Adam, your writing is sheer poetry! Well said, sir, well said.

  55. May 13, 2013 at 10:16 am

    kainan :

    F%&$k you ass-hole ……….

  56. jim
    May 19, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    Thank you for such a detailed biography on the worlds biggest Douche bag. I’m sure there will be a part 3!

  57. Ethan
    June 6, 2013 at 1:25 am

    I think he’s quite a decent bloke. I mean for a comedian..

  58. klarens
    June 20, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    man u got it all right… regards!!!

    • MEALTIME
      June 22, 2013 at 2:27 pm

      Seagal you FAT LAZY CUNT!

      • G1rlVeteran
        July 11, 2013 at 9:46 pm

        Mealtime, don’t pussy foot around! Tell us how you truly feel about Cheeseburger Enemy #1!

  59. G1rlVeteran
    July 11, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    This is quite possibly the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read!!! What made it so funny was that for so long I thought I was the only one who noticed the sheer enormity of his idiocy but I now know I am not alone! Looking forward to reading Part 2!

    • July 14, 2013 at 12:37 pm

      Thanks G1rlVeteran, I appreciate the feedback.

  60. September 9, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Reblogged this on TheCityWorkshop and commented:
    If you hate Steven Seagal like I do then you need to read this two part piece. You will most definitely laugh your buns off!

  61. September 15, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    You guys are fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X10 to the million power!
    Reality if funny!

  62. Stevan
    November 11, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    I saw Seagal at a resort about a year ago walking around the pool area with nothing on but swim trunks. I was about to vomit. That fat fuck has more rolls of fat than a 50 gallon tub of lard. He had disgusting pipples & black heads all over himself & that awful fake hair or if it’s an actual transplant they must have harvested it from his ass & put it on his head. Disgusting fat fuck he is!

  63. candygirl
    December 20, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    fuck all of you steven seagal hatters and ur mothers are cunts

    • Sven
      January 15, 2014 at 10:06 am

      candygirl :
      fuck all of you steven seagal hatters and ur mothers are cunts

      Sorry, but what is a hatter? Someone in the haberdashery department?

      Sven.

  64. candygirl
    December 20, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    and fuck your part 2,3,4,5,and 6 bitch!!!!!!!!!

    • March 4, 2014 at 1:49 am

      Is this really Steven Seagal? If it is then you need to shut up and start breast feeding yourself A.S.A.P.

  65. carriage_hill
    December 26, 2013 at 12:23 am

    Just found this site by accident, and Adam, you rock! I thought I was the only one who saw thru that POS, but I’m glad you and others do too. Off to read Part #2 …

  66. Matt
    March 3, 2014 at 1:24 am

    Rob your such a douchbagg it’s unbelievable. I’d love to personally beat the shit out of you.

  67. skatersmart
    March 21, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    whats up with the gay bashing? you lost any street cred u couda had

  68. Robert Weller
    March 26, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    I am doing a news story today about Steven Seagal being Putin’s Dennis Rodman. May I use your photo of the Seagal burger. Robert Weller Allvoices. email robertweller@icloud.com

  69. March 26, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    It should be noted that the Sensei is now spokesman for Putin and his arms industry. I’ll bet shrimp Putin could kick his ass. And certainly the Ukrainian former WBC heavyweight champ would wipe the floor with his fat ass.

  70. Matt
    March 28, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Keep this blog going Robert! Did you know that Steven seagal invented Chinese food? Then he ate it all so we are left with Americanized MSG swill, much like your comments!

    • March 28, 2014 at 9:42 pm

      Hilarious!!! 😂

    • Robert Weller
      March 30, 2014 at 8:23 pm

      Robert Weller in Denver again. By any chance do you a good, funny photo of Putin that I could use. Best would be done where he looks like Hitler!

  71. Liz
    March 31, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    This was so so funny. I went to look for pics of steven segal n ended up on here reading part one n im now put off him as I thought he was a very nice person but looks like my head was in the clouds….. roll on part two hehe he. Adam your so funny n cool x

  72. Big Brian
    April 24, 2014 at 12:42 am

    I thought Sylvester Stallone was the funniest “bad-ass” macho dickhead, but compared to Seagul Stallone is a diamond. Gotta give Stallone credit, the guy is shredded for someone his age. I cant tell you how hard i laughed at this post, you hit the nail right on the head. I’ve always thought Seagul was a joke, but the way he talks now, oh my God! My stomach ached i laughed so freekin hard! Excellent work. I gotta read the rest. The man is a COMPLETE CLOWN.

  73. Gina 💍❤💎
    May 16, 2014 at 5:31 am

    OMG I was dying over the video. My nephew & I were laughing our asses off a couple weeks ago about just that! We were running with the swinging arm to get more momentum!

  74. Martin Clarke
    May 28, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Things started to go wonky after Under Siege, I love this piece Adam (just found it),
    he did an interview with Justin Lee Collins which is a must for any anti-fans
    and that thing they used to show on the “Biography” channel ?
    gonna read part 2 now …
    Cheers
    Mc

  75. Metal Goddess
    May 30, 2014 at 5:09 am

    Man this is hilarious shit. We’re actually watching him pretend to be a cop in Arizona. So far all he does is run his fucking mouth and strut around holding a rifle across his chest. I have yet to see this guy do jack shit aside from that. But thanks for the laugh.

  76. Nigel
    July 24, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    So, did he have any of those fights in the last couple of years? :-)

  1. August 17, 2011 at 9:29 pm
  2. January 2, 2012 at 9:50 pm

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