Home > Uncategorized > The Ridiculousness of Steven Seagal Part 2

The Ridiculousness of Steven Seagal Part 2

This is the second and concluding part of my comprehensive list of the most ludicrous aspects of Steven Seagal’s life and career. If you haven’t yet read segments 1-5, read them in PART ONE. Otherwise, here’s reasons 6 to 12 of why the fatman is the most ridiculous man in the world.

6- His terrible movies

Aside from Seagal’s first few efforts, which were genuinely good action movies (‘Out For Justice’ is a classic), the fatman has amassed a filmography worse than Ed Wood’s. With the aforementioned ‘Today You Die’ and the ‘has to be seen to be believed’ atrocity that is ‘Attack Force’ leading the pack as the very worst (and most funniest) of Seagal’s rotten output, reading through the list of his films on Imdb is akin to perusing a record of Holocaust victims — absolutely tragic.

Even when Seagal was younger, thinner and gave a modicum of a fuck, he still had all the acting ability of a roadkill badger. Frown, squint, mumble, kick, repeat. For my money, nothing comes close to ‘Today You Die’ in terms of execrable acting/directing/writing and pure unintentional hilarity. One of the funniest scenes from that contagious anal rash of a movie is when Seagal is sent to jail but isn’t required to conform to prison uniform regulations like everyone else, and is allowed to constantly wear a massive buttoned up overcoat that is never taken off, including when he wakes up fully clothed from an insinuated sex scene (the actress must have thanked God when she found out the sex scene wasn’t going to be filmed). Covering up Seagal’s porcine figure is evidently more important than the most basic forms of realism.

With his insipid films mostly taking place in Eastern European shitholes on typically low budgets, Seagal is renowned for putting in less effort than a narcoleptic snail. With an unprecedented level of lethargy, Seagal usually makes up about 2% of his fight scenes, being doubled for everything but the close-ups. Frequently, he is doubled for even the most physically trivial of endeavours, such as walking through a door or the complex act of standing. The directors and fight choreographers share Seagal’s apathy considering little is done to hide the fact that the double’s are usually half Seagal’s weight and are sometimes even wearing different colored clothes.

It’s come to the point where oftentimes Seagal even has to have a VOICE double because his hushed, mumbled and often improvised (didn’t read the script) dialogue is regularly indecipherable. Here’s a scene from ‘Attack Force’ with the worst dubbing since 70′s kung fu flicks:

For sheer comedy, if you haven’t already, seek out a Seagal DTV flick.

7- His pathological lies/delusions

It would take a month to extensively list all of Seagal’s copious lies and deranged delusions, so I’ll stick to a select few, the biggest of which is the nonsense Seagal long spewed about possessing a mysterious CIA background. He once said:

“You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors.”

In actuality, as you’d expect, that’s a steaming pile of horse shit. Seagal never worked covertly for the CIA or anyone else, and Gary Goldman, an ex-mercenary (for real) and former business partner of the fatman revealed a hilarious story:

In an interview with Spy, Goldman says he had long known that Seagal tends to tell grandiose tales about himself. Late in 1988, a former soldier of fortune and treasure hunter named Randy Widner invited Seagal, Goldman and another man to hunt for treasure off the coast of Barbados. At that time, Seagal had been telling Goldman that he’d been a U.S. Navy SEAL. Evidently this was one frogman who did not take well to water. As Goldman recalls, “Randy was driving [a Zodiac raft] in circles while Steven and I carried the gear out to him. The surf was unbelievable, really tough… He started screaming and panicking and was sure he was going to die and all that crap.” Goldman says Seagal had to be helped onto the vessel. “Wildner had to pull Seagal by his hair; I pushed his ass onto the boat with my shoulder.” Later that evening, Goldman says, he realized that Seagal could not read a compass or a map. (Seagal describes himself as “autistic with numbers.”) With that, Goldman says, he totally dismissed the notion that Seagal had ever been involved in any covert operations. In his letter to the Times reporter, Goldman wrote that Seagal “would surely die of starvation if he was given a compass and a map that led to a restaurant five miles away.”

The closest Seagal has ever come to being a Navy SEAL is this picture:

As well as claiming he learnt blues from the masters despite only being 5, Seagal also claimed he spent much of his youth in Brooklyn (probably to augment his then Italian persona), despite probably never once going there when he was young. Then there was Seagal’s claims about daringly battling the Yakuza (the Japanese mafia) when he was in Japan, and claimed to Movieline “I jumped right in their faces. I was a tenacious motherfucker, man, and I was fearless.” His first wife, Fujitani, cleared up this nonsense however:

“It is a lie. He once chased a few drunks away from the dojo but never was involved with Yakuza.” Fujitani also delivered some insight into the mysterious attainment of Seagal’s Aikido black belt. “The only reason Steven was awarded the black belt was because the judge, who was famous for his laziness, fell asleep during Steven’s presentation. The judge just gave him the black belt.”

Where Seagal’s lies begin and his delusions end is debatable, but what’s not is the fact that it’s a fucking comedy goldmine.

8- His pseudo mysticism

One of Seagal’s most entertaining qualities is his half-baked Buddhist ramblings and assertion that he’s the reincarnation of a 17′th century Buddhist lama. Wouldn’t it be a tad more believable if it were claimed he were the reincarnation of a warthog, or perhaps a triple bacon cheeseburger? And Seagal has to be the most hypocritical, fraudulent Buddhist alive. He’s exhibited anything but the philosophy of peace and compassion that Buddhism is supposed to preach. But what’s funniest about the rotund bastard and his obsession with Eastern spiritualism is when he attempts to take on the role of ‘wise old master’, robing himself in circus tent-sized kimono’s and brainfarting gems like this:

9- Real life situations

Seagal has told more tall tales than Walt Disney but the side-splitting truth is that when the fatman has been in a position to substantiate some of his physical claims he’s usually he’s been made to look a fool. There isn’t a more amusing Seagal tale than the time he was choked out by Judo champion and stunt coordinator Gene Lebell. Seagal, who has a history of abusing stuntmen on the sets of his films, often by kicking them in the nuts when they don’t expect it, finally got a taste of his own medicine when he arrogantly declared he could never be choked out by anyone, and lo and behold, was taken down by Lebell. The reason this story is so funny is because not only did Seagal pass out, but he proceeded to urinate and defecate all over himself in the process. At long last Seagal managed to experience the metaphorical equivalent of what moviegoers had been put through every time they saw one of his films. Of course, a lawsuit towards Lebell followed, so Gene had to stay quiet about it all.

Then there was Seagal’s problems with the Mafia over a monetary dispute relating to his business partner Jules Nasso who was connected to the mob. Suffice to say, during a meeting with some mobsters, Seagal almost had another ‘Gene Lebell moment’ and was said to be completely terrified during the time spent with them. Where was Seagal’s steely poise and tough guy attitude when faced with genuinely dangerous criminals? This website  goes into much deeper detail over the whole hilarious series of events.

How about the time Seagal ran away from his eternal rival Jean Claude Van Damme at a party at Stallone’s house? Sly remembers it:

“But I remember once, at my home in Miami, I believe it was in 96 or 97, Van Damme was there with Seagal, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Shaquille O Neal, Don Johnson and Madonna, it was a heck of a party. Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal made some excuse and left. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal pulled a Houdini. Who would win? I have to say I believe Van Damme was just too strong and Seagal wanted no part of it. That’s just my opinion.”

Maybe Seagal’s sudden evasive tactics had something to do with the fact that he’s never actually competed in an competitive fight. Throwing around compliant uke certainly doesn’t count. Van Damme may have been going through his lamentable drug addict phase, but what better time for Seagal to back up his lofty claims? No, Seagal would rather take cheap shots at stuntmen, or sneakily put martial arts instructor Dan Inosanto in a joint lock when he was supposed to shaking his hand. He’s like a caricature of a despicable cartoon villain, and I love him for it.

10- Terrible Products

If there’s one thing worse than Seagal’s mind-numbing movies, it’s his inane products, like Lightning Bolt, the Seagal energy drink which comes in such flavors as ‘Asian Experience’ and ‘Cherry Charge’ and include such beloved ingredients like ‘goji berry’ and ‘cordyceps’. Such mystery! Such spiritual power! Presumably ‘Obese Cunt’ is still in the early stages of production.

Since I’d rather pour a glass of Gary Coleman’s liquefied feces inside my mouth than consume a can of Seagal’s vile drink, I’ve taken other reviewers word for it when they’ve said Lightning Bolt tastes like “rancid peaches, cigarettes and vitamin pills”. Hell, it could contain Seagal’s putrid sweat for all we know. Regularly consume large quantities of this shit and you’ll probably end up looking just like Seagal, including ponytail. Avoid like the plague!

Then there’s Seagal’s line of fetid aromatherapy oils, designed to turn your skin as leathery and repellent as the stout sensei’s. The only thing that’s essential about these oils is never putting them anywhere near your body.

Seagal also has the distinction of having the single worst ever video game in existence, The Final Option for the SNES. Believe me, I’ve played it. And you thought his movies were bad! Sheesh! The fact that this digitized anathema was never released is akin to if the Holocaust had never taken place. It was that painful. As the titular fatman, you shuffle around a warehouse in search of keycards, punching scientists and kicking guards that look like mailmen, falling off ledges with the gayest screams ever recorded and struggling to work around bizarre controls and nonsensical level design. And if in any circumstance this fat fraudulent fuck were truly the final option, you know you’re in some desperate fucking times.

11- Seagal as a cop

“I only did this for the free donuts.”

Thought Seagal was done pretending to be other people? Think again! Now he’s a cop! His recent reality show Steven Seagal: Lawman will have to go down as one of the most unintentionally hilarious shows of all time. Whether it’s Seagal transforming into ghetto-mode every time he encounters a black person (and he’s a cop, so it’s a lot), waiting back and screaming “WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT?” while real officers chase after criminals, or Seagal explaining how due to his magically heightened perceptive ability (I like to call it, ‘Seagal Vision’) he can tell if someone is about to commit a crime simply by a flick of the wrist or a turn of the head, it’s vintage Seagal comedy the whole time.

 

“WHERE THE CHOCOLATE AT?! WHERE THE SUSHI AT?!”

12- Rebirth as an MMA grandmaster

Lastly, there’s Seagal’s recent claim to fame as a mixed martial arts Mr Miyagi, somehow weaseling his way into UFC fighters Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida’s training camp and forming part of their fight training, infusing it with some of his Aikido knowledge (despite most Aikido being either illegal or impractical under MMA rules). Other than the introduction of his latest retarded appearance (yellow glasses, all the time), the lulz have flowed like a fine wine thanks to Seagal’s typically bullish claim that he taught Machida and Silva the basic front kick, which he also supposedly invented, and that no one else knows. A basic front kick.

Grandmaster Fatman, with those patented yellow shades.

Also according to Seagal, Anderson sent him a memo saying “will you please teach me your deadly stuff?”. In one of his sessions with Machida, Seagal implored that Machida should “Use your mind. Use your mind! I don’t care if you kill him. I don’t care. You fuck him up. You take him out.”. ‘Deadly stuff’ and disregard for the death of an opponent — that definitely sounds like Buddhist compassion.

The greatest thing about all this madness is that both Silva and Machida won their last fights with front kicks, so Seagal has genuinely somehow had an impact on them, even if it was just emphasising the use of front kicks. Now every time they fight in the octagon, Seagal is sitting there in the front row (taking up 4 seats, naturally), wearing his now trademark yellow shades and providing constant entertainment for us all.

—–

In all honesty, Seagal is a serial con artist, a pathological narcissist, an insecure misogynist, a cowardly bully and a self-aggrandizing, deluded, languid, physically grotesque, psuedo-mystical madman. But most of all, he’s the most ridiculous and entertaining man in the world, and for that I will always be an ardent fan. Never change, Steven. Never change.

  1. Fatassed Front Kick of DOOM
    August 18, 2011 at 9:15 pm | #1

    I haven’t lolcringed so much in ages. Thank you.

  2. August 19, 2011 at 11:17 pm | #2

    You’re welcome, there probably isn’t anyone on the planet more adept at garnering lulz and cringes in equal measure than Seagal.

  3. Hung
    August 20, 2011 at 8:35 pm | #3

    Excellent 2-part article which hits several nails on the head. As a “Nico/Marked for Death/Out for Justice”-era Seagal fan, I have had many thoughts similar to those you’ve expressed here. Thanks for compiling this, and for doing such a damn good job too!

  4. August 21, 2011 at 8:40 pm | #4

    You’re welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I hope someone shows it to Seagal (unless he tries to sue me — but then again he’d probably be too busy with triple whoppers and sex slaves to bother threatening legal action).

  5. steven seagull
    September 11, 2011 at 9:38 am | #5

    “has anybody seen richie?? i’m gonna keep comin’ back here until someone remembers seein’ richie!!”

    • therock4818
      November 6, 2013 at 2:21 am | #6

      Reibach you’re a toad

  6. lukejake
    September 13, 2011 at 7:17 pm | #7

    quality.

  7. sds06
    September 13, 2011 at 7:18 pm | #8

    He was one of my boyhood heroes. Thank god i grew up.

  8. nsx91
    September 20, 2011 at 12:19 am | #9

    Haha, Machida & Silva just wants a chance at breaking into the movie biz by buddying up with Fatboy here. You have to admit, Fatboy is probably one of the more (if not most) successful martial art movie (cringe) star. Granted that in general, all MA movies sucks ass once you’ve passed the age of 20 as a viewer….he’s still cranking out like 2 movies a year. How the hell is this even happening?

    I really enjoy your compilations. It should help to also cite some sources, links, etc. Like TMZ has links to backup his dodging Van Damne.

  9. September 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm | #10

    If that’s the case, Machida and Silva don’t have massive cinematic aspirations then, as all associating themselves with Seagal will get them is a role in a low-budget Romanian-shot DTV piece of shit with the all critical acclaim of a pile of manure, playing such lofty roles as ‘henchman #3′ to be beaten with ease by the fatman at some point.

    He’s still cranking out these abominations every year because somehow he must still have a small but loyal audience that lap up every mumbled grunt, stunt-doubled punch and squinty-eyed frown, which, considering the “films” are made for around 40 bucks a piece, must make a profit.

    Glad you liked it.

  10. Hussy
    September 23, 2011 at 1:40 pm | #11

    Fantastic aritcle on this obese fuck, I’ve seen almost all his films. His first ones were good but fuck me for the last 14 years this pig has made absolute garbage.

    Stop singing, Stop making awful films and ffs go on a FUCKING DIET YOU FAT FUCKING CUNT!

    • March 20, 2014 at 2:03 pm | #12

      All right, his movies are crap, but there’s no need for you to be bashing him because he’s fat. Just having his other sins pointed out is enough.

  11. September 26, 2011 at 5:35 pm | #13

    LOL!

    My thoughts exactly. Thanks for reading.

  12. Kyle Hyde
    October 3, 2011 at 4:44 pm | #14

    LOL! Awesome article! Really funny and accurate.

    You got to love this fat fucking orange swollen cunt. I have probably insulted Seagal more in my life then any other actor, but I still can’t help but be a fan lol.

    If you ever do part 3 (knowing seagal it’s inevitable) you can also rip into his songs with all the messages and true meanings inside them. I remember one of his lines where he contradicts himself by signing (well trying) “you can’t buy me out”! What a fat fucking liar, the pig has done nothing but sell out his true fans for the last 15 years or so!

  13. October 5, 2011 at 6:01 pm | #15

    Thanks Kyle. You’re right, knowing Seagal he’s probably going to deliver another shitload of material soon just by being himself that it’ll be imposible to avoid doing a third part. I actually had to abridge parts 1 and 2 and leave a few things out simply due to the articles being in danger of getting as long as the Bible (but almost as funny), so there’s always more ammo stored to make fun of the bloated bastard with if necessary.

    His “music” definitely deserves a closer inspection. It’s aural comedy gold! Thanks for reading.

  14. Napoleon
    December 2, 2011 at 11:43 pm | #16

    The Ridiculousness of Adam Part 1 of 1.

    Adam is a strange and vicious little man who is, and will forever be an unknown. Adam spends his entire life writing really nasty and vindictive posts about celebrities that he doesn’t know personally but would secretly love to know; Adam knows he never will mix with or otherwise be a celebrity.

    Adam also wears sunglasses that reaffirm to all of those in doubt, that he is indeed, a giant prick.

    The end

    • lolcringe
      March 16, 2013 at 4:50 pm | #17

      hello Steve)

  15. December 24, 2011 at 12:57 am | #18

    LOL! I’m starting to think you don’t like me, “Napoleon”. Which makes no sense because I’m awesome. Oh, and your mother thinks I’m a celebrity. I put on a fake moustache and she thinks I’m John Holmes when I fuck her.

    I also didn’t realise that wearing sunglasses meant you’re a prick. I guess I’ll just squint in the sunshine from now on. I might even start to look like Seagal! *Vomits*

    Thanks for reading, muttonhead!

  16. Lionel Blair
    March 7, 2012 at 9:24 pm | #19

    This made me laugh so much, its all true! Me and a friend of mine always took the piss out of his shit movies and had an idea for a movie he could make where he opens a pie-shop and takes on the local pie barons.

  17. Lionel Blair
    March 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm | #20

  18. March 10, 2012 at 1:06 am | #21

    LOL! Great video, Lionel. Pied To Death would be an instant classic, as would the inevitable Romanian-shot DTV sequels Out For a Pie, Driven to Pie and Today You Pie.

    The only problem would be that Seagal would end up eating up all the pies (and the back-up pies) by the 3′rd day of shooting and the production would come to a halt. The pie-eating scenes would probably be the only time he’d insist on not being doubled. And of course, at some point one of the pies would have to be paid off to avoid a pie lawsuit after he inappropiately groped it.

    By the way, it’s nice to know such a celebrated tapdancer reads my blog.

  19. March 28, 2012 at 8:18 am | #22

    I once watched a Seagal movie where he had a child pen pal who used solve cyphers for him. The child was taken hostage for some reason and Seagal fights his way through hundreds of men to save her after she had sent him a cyphered message. It wasnt cliched in the slightest. He acted & looked like he’d recently suffered a serious stroke. I recommended the film to a friend as a joke- he’s considred me a weirdo ever since

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:28 am | #23

      Heh heh, recommending a Seagal movie to anyone will probably result in confusion and contempt until they realise the monumental amount of unintentional hilarity that’s to be found in them. I always tell Seagal-virgins to watch Today You Die as it most perfectly encapsulates his lulz-laden filmography.

  20. Freddy
    April 14, 2012 at 9:25 pm | #24

    This was so fucking hilarious…. Thanks a lot.

  21. Kevin Weet
    May 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm | #26

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaha……. I just peed a little!

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:29 am | #27

      I’m glad to have participated in your impromptu urination.

  22. RobV
    June 21, 2012 at 3:13 am | #28

    Fire Down Below is a classic. It features all of the elements necessary to create a horrible Seagal movie. He even runs a little bit all the while wearing some giant leather jacket and shedding a tear for the fine people of Appalchia. There is a scene where he comes out of a cabin and walks down the steps doing an impression of an ape…although he didn’t know it was an impression. Jesus that movie was totally horribly awesome.

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:44 am | #29

      It could very well be the definitive Seagal performance. When Kris Kristofferson looks like Marlon Brando compared to you, you know you can’t fucking act. The only time Seagal really shed a tear was when he looked at the box office gross for that movie.

  23. ChiIsMadFocusedYo
    June 21, 2012 at 5:34 am | #30

    Uhhh, aren’t cordyceps those plants that use mind-control on ants?

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:47 am | #31

      Yeah. It’s what gives Lightning Bolt their “distinct” flavour. And the drinker’s subsequent diarrhea.

    • douglasjbender
      August 28, 2013 at 2:20 am | #32

      I thought they were the Latin name for “hemorrhoids”.

  24. ialwayswantedtobeabanker
    June 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm | #33

    So many epic blasts, but this one nailed it best for me: “Just when the sight of a bloated, squinting, pony-tailed douche bag couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Seagal decided to try his hand at “Ebonics”, the language of the ghetto.”

    Whoa!!!! :-)

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:50 am | #34

      Thanks! Seagal be mad down with the brotha’s yo! Soon he’ll adopt a personalized grill that reads “OBESE”. Now dat shit be GANGSTA.

  25. Sarah
    June 25, 2012 at 9:08 pm | #35

    After seeing several trailers on 5USA (his apparent “home”) I turned to the trusty Google to see if I could find out what on earth the deal is with his ‘hair’.

    This brought me to your interesting and informative blog. I’m not that much better informed regarding exactly what’s going on with the rug/plugs/spray-on/who fucking knows, but I was thoroughly entertained and enlightened. He truly does seem to be a festering boil on the arsehole of humanity..

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:57 am | #36

      Thanks, Sarah. You only expected to find information on his dead skunk hairdo but instead have been enlightened with so much more. A festering but side-splitting boil!

  26. fcukov
    June 26, 2012 at 9:16 am | #37

    this is awesome…thanks for exposing this absolutely silly excuse for a human being

    • July 22, 2012 at 8:57 am | #38

      Thanks! T’was my pleasure. And it shall continue to be.

  27. CLC
    June 27, 2012 at 9:57 am | #39

    I remember he came on the Johnny Carson Show in the early 80′s and did a demonstration of his Aikido wizardry. It was a coreographed bit of nonsense with an “opponent” that looked like he weighed 100 pounds less than Segal. He is, and always has been, a phoney.

    • July 22, 2012 at 9:00 am | #40

      Yeah, I’ve seen that clip. It’s the one with all the compliant uke pretending that Seagal is actually damaging them. The recorded start of one the phoniest careers ever.

  28. blister122
    July 7, 2012 at 7:10 am | #41

    I’m sure will we have to look at the fatman at some point during the fight tonight. Everyone be sure to pray to whichever god you serve and ask that Silva doesn’t win with anything resembling a front kick. hahahaha

    • July 22, 2012 at 9:04 am | #42

      He was there, and the lulz were fucking flowing! I strongly recommend to all that are reading this to go and watch all the interviews Seagal did before and during this event on YouTube. It’s vintage Seagal.

      Silva won, partially due to Sonnen’s irritating mistake, and fatman will probably claim it was his “training” that sealed the deal. If Sonnen had kept it on the ground and managed to achieve most of his takedowns he could have won by decision, but in a standup it was only gonna last as long as it did and Anderson’s on another level. At least it wasn’t a fucking front kick!

  29. Jimmy
    July 14, 2012 at 10:59 pm | #43

    Why is he, in almost every movie, ex-C.I.A or ex-elite soldier?
    I have found him to be amazingly rubbish for many a year now, and worthy of ridicule for all the reasons you mention, especially his girly run and bullshit Eco friendly, save the indeginous people persona….
    I’d love to meet him, I just know he’d be exactly like you know he is… a complete cockhead!

    • July 22, 2012 at 9:09 am | #44

      Because it’s a generic tough guy persona for him to portray, and he likes to pretend he used to assist the CIA and others with top secret missions when in reality he doesn’t know how to use a compass.

      You might get “fortunate” and his egregiously awful blues band Thunderbox might tour near you in the future. Then you might get to meet him. Maybe not though, as you’re a dude and therefore don’t possess any ‘spiritual meridian points’ to be massaged. Maybe go in drag?

  30. Webby
    July 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm | #45

    This fat cunt needs milking!

    • July 22, 2012 at 9:10 am | #46

      And boy would there be a lot of milk produced. It would taste like cheeseburgers and massage oil though.

  31. Oddy
    July 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm | #47

    This is the second time I’ve read this article and I still love it. I really do love to hate the fat, orange, sweaty, bulbous, cunt that Steven Seagal has become. He is talentless and hasn’t done a good film in a very long time. So please someone, put this morbidly obese hunk of rotting shit out of his misery and do the world’s population (and food supply) a favour.

  32. Oddy
    July 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm | #48

    Also, I forgot to mention, that fat cunt’s massive, bloated, swollen tits of his definately needs to get milked, but then again, you would probably have to arouse that obese fucking toad first.

    • July 22, 2012 at 9:14 am | #49

      LOL! I agree, Oddy. Well, if Seagal’s unique physiological reaction is indeed lactation, it would definitely require arousal first. And I’m not sure if even terrorists and pedophile’s deserve having to do that. Thanks for reading!

  33. TheSlimmerMan
    July 19, 2012 at 9:38 pm | #50

    Steven waddle to the gym and lose some weight you fat fucking obese turkey

    Steven seagal is a pig
    who’s bold without a wig
    he eats a fuck load of food
    got some rape charges and got sued
    diet has not been pursued

  34. mike b
    July 20, 2012 at 10:52 pm | #52

    loved it!

  35. July 22, 2012 at 9:15 am | #53

    Thanks!

  36. Jimmy N.
    August 17, 2012 at 11:34 am | #54

    I think you missed the obvious, mainly that Seagal looks like a cross between Jabba The Hut and Jim Belushi.

  37. Jimmy N.
    August 17, 2012 at 11:39 am | #55

    Another thing too (Great article too by the way) I’m glad he wasn’t in Expendables 2, that just goes to show you that most of the action guys obviously think he’s a tool.

  38. Myemailisfakeijusttypedsomeshitin
    August 22, 2012 at 5:32 pm | #56

    Haha the closest Steven Seagal ever will be to being black is if he takes part in
    The Biggest Loser and ends up on the “black team”. He might even get to try out one of Bas Ruttens O2 trainers! But then again, he already has a hard enough time breathing these days as it is. It will truly be a sad day for all of us when the master finally leaves this wretched world, because heart disease has no mercy. Sayonara Sensei!! :(

    • May 9, 2013 at 4:19 pm | #57

      If Seagal has a likely heart attack at some forthcoming point, his ghost would probably claim it was an honorable suicide and use it for egotistical bragging: “No man could ever defeat the mighty Seagal…in the end, only Seagal could kill Seagal.”

      Or rather, all those cookies.

  39. Ru
    October 8, 2012 at 11:19 am | #58

    Fucking hell, that was the funniest thing in forever, thank you for putting this gem together!!

    • May 9, 2013 at 4:20 pm | #59

      No problem Ru, as long as the beached whale continues to live, there’s more material being created every day.

  40. Ironmani
    November 22, 2012 at 7:44 am | #60

    I am a huge Seagal fan. I think that the Hollywood Comedy people should take a leaf out of Seagal’s book as for the last ten years, I have never seen a comedy movie that makes me cry with laughter as much as Seagal!

  41. December 7, 2012 at 1:38 pm | #61

    A musician friend of mine went to see his show in New York and said he was so bad he had to leave. He looked like a guitar with a head on it and His black band mates kept referring to him as “The Love Doctor” Hehehehehehehehehee I love em too!

    • May 9, 2013 at 4:23 pm | #62

      I’d love Seagal to bump into Hugh Laurie and watch an actor who actually legitimately knows how to play the blues. The sheer envy that would overcome him would be glorious. Imagine…”Dis whiteboy think he know tha blooz?! I was taught by the masters! ” he’d mumble before collapsing in a puddle of his own regurgitated cheeseburgers.

  42. CaseyRyback
    January 14, 2013 at 2:27 am | #63
  43. Rebop
    January 24, 2013 at 3:40 pm | #64

    This is Priceless. It is a comedy goldmine, if not a comedy platinum mine.

  44. Wes
    March 21, 2013 at 2:18 am | #65

    Very nice. I’ve always hated this douche. Dan Inosanto would fuck him up. He would for real kill him. I love the Lebell story. If I ever run across Segall ill taunt him with that one. Ill call him “shitty pants Segall”, got choked out by an old man (granted he is probably the greatest American grappler ever).

  45. Rik Waller
    March 25, 2013 at 8:13 pm | #66

    What’s the difference between a fat fucking bald cunt and Seagal?

    There isn’t one.

  46. Oddysee
    March 28, 2013 at 9:24 pm | #67

    How many Steven Seagals does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because he’s too much of a fat, vomit-inducing cunt to reach it. Unless of course there’s a cheeseburger balanced on the light bulb. Then Steven fat ass would be on that light bulb faster than his personal chef has to cook his meals.

    • WasASeagalFanLongAgo
      April 7, 2013 at 5:48 am | #68

      I watched Hard to Kill. It was Hard to Watch.

  47. Rob Redmond
    April 14, 2013 at 2:20 pm | #69

    WasASeagalFanLongAgo :
    I watched Hard to Kill. It was Hard to Watch.

    Yeah, see you in the Octogon pussy! Sensei is planning a trip up north, and taking on anyone…ANYONE! Bare knuckle, no protection, headbutts allowed!

    Your entry number is six feet under bro!

    Rob.

  48. Rob Redmond
    April 17, 2013 at 4:52 am | #70

    Latest news, Sensei just won the Dim Mak challange in Hong Kong! Only three masters were allowed to enter, and it was all held in secret. Sensei shattered a six inch thick block of concrete with a palm heel, or in Japanese, tetsu bo no oshiri. The DVD is available on Sensei’s website, $29.95 +$10.00 shipping.

    Also available:

    Under Siege 1-4 box set
    Broken Shipment
    Out For A Kill 2
    Dark Hawk Down
    Pentagon Under Seige
    Harm In Harm’s Way
    Knuckle Duster 2
    Passive Strike
    Heart Stopper 3D

    All titles are available on DVD for the prices listed above.

    Vote with your feet people, Rob.

    • RW Stoufus
      June 6, 2013 at 7:34 pm | #71

      tetsu bo no oshir ?? That must be Japanese for WHAT A LOAD OF HORSESHIT! LMFAO

    • RW Stoufus
      June 6, 2013 at 7:37 pm | #72

      SENSEI?? Thanks Rob NOW We know your taking it up the Ass! DIM MAK is Mandarin for Blowjob BTW.

  49. Philipa
    April 19, 2013 at 12:38 am | #73

    Hilarious! Well almost, I confess I didn’t like the holocaust refs (murder on that scale shouldn’t be compared to one ridiculous fat bully IMHO) and I didn’t know he’d beaten up Kelly LeBrock, or any woman. What a coward. Sorry but I don’t think any man who treats rape as a joke is that funny, even if he does run like a girl, and has big tits and a ponytail.

  50. Rob Redmond
    April 19, 2013 at 11:52 am | #74

    Philipa :
    Hilarious! Well almost, I confess I didn’t like the holocaust refs (murder on that scale shouldn’t be compared to one ridiculous fat bully IMHO) and I didn’t know he’d beaten up Kelly LeBrock, or any woman. What a coward. Sorry but I don’t think any man who treats rape as a joke is that funny, even if he does run like a girl, and has big tits and a ponytail.

    I’ve just posted your comment to Sensei, and he has forwarded it to his friends at the FBI.

    Why call someone a serial rapist, and worst still defame them as a coward?!

    Sensei has often talked of the things our government had him do in Vietnam in the defense of our freedom, and that stuff ain’t pretty, and Philipa, if that’s your real name, you’ll never want to know what those things are, but it’s what kept you safe in your bed, believe me!

    Peace out, Rob.

    • RW Stoufus
      June 6, 2013 at 7:38 pm | #75

      FBI You Mean FAGGOT-BUTTFUCKERS AND INBREDS?

  51. Rob Redmond
    April 20, 2013 at 6:47 am | #76

    I’m so pissed by you civilians who don’t have a clue what Sensei has done for our country in the last few years for charity.

    He’s donated his own money, and raised hundreds of millions more through his work with Civilaxmil, a charity agency, set up by the man himself to help veterans of a non specific natutre.

    Shame on you people who trash his name, shame on you!

    Rob

    • Matt
      March 3, 2014 at 1:39 am | #77

      Rob take segals cock out of your mouth and please stop posting your propaganda. You call him Sensai? I take personal offense to that being an actual martial artist myself.

  52. Rob Redmond
    April 21, 2013 at 2:04 am | #78

    Breaking news, Sensei and Kelly Le Brock are back together!

    Great news, Rob.

  53. Philipa
    April 21, 2013 at 4:02 pm | #79

    Haha! Is ‘Rob Redmond’ a blog construct? OK I’ll play: Rob Redmond; I didn’t call anyone a serial rapist, can’t you read? And Steven Seagal has reported me to the FBI has he? What’s that Fat Bastards Inc? Because I’m sure the Federal Bureau has better things to do than wonder if some movie star’s feelings have been bruised by a comment on the internet. You pop out of Seagal’s arse to address the world, a bit like a tape worm. Why not crawl back up there and carry on kissing? Then you’ll both be happy? But no, please stay, you’re too funny. Read some political history then criticise me again? Oh go on.. #ROFL

    Here’s a story til then: http://fray.com/drugs/worm/

  54. Rob Redmond
    April 21, 2013 at 4:35 pm | #80

    Philipa :
    Haha! ‘Rob Redmond is a serial rapist.You Fat Bastard. You pop out of Seagal’s arse to address the world, a bit like a tape worm. Why not crawl back up there and carry on kissing? Then you’ll both do ass to mouth and be happy? But no, please stay, you’re too funny. Read some political history then criticise me again? Oh go on.. #ROFL
    Here’s a story til then: http://fray.com/drugs/worm/

    Haha, go back and edit your original post so that it doesn’t look like this original. Sensei knows the game, and he’s played his cards a million times. Sensei laughed at the things you said after training last night, and said that the guys he’s conected to in the FBI laughed about it too.

    Good luck to you and your tape worms!

    Rob.

    • May 9, 2013 at 5:35 pm | #81

      Seagal’s in tight with the feds, as well as the CIA, DOD, FAG, CLIT, Mossad, the Templars and the Bilderberg group. Seagal was personally responsible for the assassination of Bin Laden, where inside sources have informed me that Seagal stealthily invaded the compound and sat on Osama, causing him to die immediately. Seagal humbly refused to accept public recognition for the feat, claiming “those with the true warrior’s heart to know…know”.

      Also, a quick note on ‘Harm In Harm’s Way’, which has been pulled from shelves due to numerous complaints that Seagal is actually only in the movie for 34 seconds of it’s 92 minute running time, otherwise being doubled by a nationally well-known Czech gymnast for the rest of his character’s scenes, as well as complaints that rapper Ice Cube’s over-dubbing doesn’t sound anything like Seagal.

  55. chris
    May 2, 2013 at 3:48 am | #82

    Brilliant. Beyond Brilliant. My deepest gratitude to you, sir, for verbalizing all of my long-held and deepest intuitive feelings about this pile of human dog shit called Steven Seagall.
    CB

    • May 9, 2013 at 4:13 pm | #83

      Thanks Chris. There’s more Seagal fun on the way.

  56. Philipa
    May 10, 2013 at 1:21 pm | #84

    Adam you are brilliantly funny. Apols for thinking you might have made Rob up but your writing talents are such that I believe you could turn your hand to anything.

    • May 10, 2013 at 5:23 pm | #85

      Thanks Philipa, but I promise Rob isn’t me. Hell, “Rob” isn’t even the real Rob Redmond. The real dude is apparently some middle aged Karate teacher, and the IP address for our buddy Fake Rob is from Japan so I surmise that he’s got an axe to grind with the real Rob and posts under his name.

      Oh, and er, are you coming on to me?

  57. Tarquin Ponsonby-Smithe
    May 19, 2013 at 3:13 am | #86

    IP addresses can be a killer at times, as everyone seems to check them these days.

    Adam, yooz got me banged to rights!

    There was an axe to grind, as the donkey in question insulted my military service, whilst not having the guts to do any himself. Thus, once this was pointed out to him in a sarcastic manner, her, err, booted me, as he did with everyone whom he took a dislike to.

    At first, I wrote this shtuff for my own amusement, but when you started to reply, it made it so much more fun. I abore Seagal, and I just thought the crazed fan would keep people guessing if there were really people like that who share our air. I’ve done this on various other sites as research for another book, a bit further down the road, on how to troll. Most recently I visited a fake military veteran site posing as a Navy SEAL, same fan boy type deal as the Rob character, and the first question is, “Oh, so what’s your BUD’s class?” Suddenly, everyone of these armchair warriors is an expert.

    If you’d like me to simply stop, I will. Alternatively, I could introduce a new character, or a series of radio interviews with Seagal regarding his days in Nam.

    Rob has left the building.

    • May 20, 2013 at 10:58 am | #87

      Whenever someone leaves a comment here, it automatically shows me their IP address underneath their name. I spent 5 minutes looking up this Rod Redmond guy, and even with such an ephemeral online glance, he seems like a complete twat. So it’s easy to understand why you’d wanna disparage his name and lampoon him. Dude ain’t exactly Mr Miyagi.

      But hey, you’ve been hilarious so there’s no need to stop. If I thought otherwise I would have just deleted your comments. And if anyone appreciates some good trolling, it’s me, for obvious reasons. Especially trolling what’s essentially a troll blog (META!).

      Believe it or not, there actually are a few dedicated Seagal obsessives, even in 2013, who aren’t entirely dissimilar to your version of Rob and who are quite clearly a few fries short of a happy meal. This deranged minority primarily congregate on the forums of a Seagal fansite called steven-seagal.net, including one particularly cretinous moderator named Lee that loathes me, who also frequents his Imdb board with often hilarious results.

      Are you still enlisted? Otherwise what are you doing in Japan?

  58. Jason
    May 20, 2013 at 1:07 pm | #88

    As Tom Arnold said to Mike Myres in Austin Powers, “Hey buddy, are you in the show?”

    I’m also English, actually.

    I’ve been here for seventeen years since I left the Air Force, and have spent my days, doing some rather odd stuff, but that’s another story. I’ve been teaching English conversation for the main part, but for the last ten years or so I’ve been writing. I read yor development hell bit, and I know what it’s like. But then, du, du, du! Along comes the ebook revolution, and pulls the rug out from under the publishers’s feet.

    Scripts are still a pain to get accepted, so I’m going to turn them into books I reckon.

    Anyhow, regarding trolling, I’d say the best type is the fire and forget model. Trolling is a true art, and I don’t know why most of the ‘On Topic’ idiots don’t get a little humour.

    By the by, thanks very much Adam, Jason.

    • May 20, 2013 at 4:40 pm | #89

      “No actually, I’m English.”
      “Oh. I’m sorry…”

      Jason, as they say in the wrasslin’ business, I’m “breaking kayfabe” here but I’ve been writing for the last couple years and currently am writing (a novel, a series of scripts for a TV comedy, etc) which I hope to find success with in the near future. I haven’t examined the self-publishing/ebook route because as far as I can tell that would involve significant marketing to raise any awareness of your book, and that would mean significant expenditure on my part, which I’m not inclined to doing.

      My love of trolling derives from my enjoyment of just taking the piss and satirical humour. It’s all the same thing, really.

      I love to travel and I’ve been all over the world, but I went to Japan a few years ago and it’s still my favourite country I’ve been to. I’m going back early next year. I find the country utterly fascinating. It feels weird seeing other Brits in Japan. I went to the Tokyo Dome and an English guy was working security there. Fuck knows how he got that gig.

      I guess 17 years is long enough to wear away the gaijin tag, huh? Maybe they let you in all the pink salon’s now? Heh heh. So I presume you’re fluent in Japanese then? Gotta give credit to Seagal for one thing, he certainly can speak the language. Whereabouts in Japan are you?

  59. Jason
    May 20, 2013 at 9:20 pm | #90

    Hi dadio, as to your last question, I live in Kochi.

    On the ebook thayng, you can do it for free on Amazon if you can format the stuff to their liking, New Times Roman, 12pt. There’s lots of other stuff they demand, thus I’ve got a great bloke in Brighton who does the lot for me. I’ve got two books on nine outlets, including Barnes and Noble etc. Mail me at my address, and we can share some info.

    Regarding my Japanese, I can have the odd, odd conversation. My wife is Japanese, and is rather too kind to me, but of late, err, with the students dropping off like flies, she’s not such a happy camper.

    My latest book is coming out soon, and if you fancy reading it, I’ll send it on to you.

    Mail me: jasonbruce1969@gmail.com

    Take care dude, Jason.

  60. Parrcell Upshaw
    May 21, 2013 at 6:43 am | #91

    Hey loosers! Just found your pathetic little website, and man, you people are out to lunch! You idiots know jack about what Sensei Seagal is about, or what he’z capable of. So here is a sample of an ass kickin he gave to so radio DJ last week. Sensei takes NO prisoners.

    DJ: And today, we have a very special guest with us, world Aikido champion, mega movie star, and former special forces veteran, Mr. Steven Seagal.
    SS: Did I hear you right, FORMER special forces?
    DJ: I’m just reading what’s on the cards Steven.
    SS: When you’re in the agency, they’ve got you for keeps.
    DJ: Okay Steven, let’s circle back to that later…
    SS: I’d appreciate if you stopped calling me Steven, and address me as Singukujui.
    DJ: Fine…err, so tell us about your new movie, Gray Hawk Down.
    SS: Let me ask you somethin’ first…how’s your wife?
    DJ: Let’s, err, let’s just stick with the movie, whichich is set in Eastern Europe…
    SS: Seriously, how’s your wife?
    DJ: (Annoyed) How’s your latest babysitter?
    SS: Hey, why you gotta talk like that, with that mouth? It’s a straight up question.
    DJ: As I believe our researcher told you before the show, my wife died of cancer last year.
    SS: Badda bing.
    DJ: So in the movie, you play Storm Trucker, a former CIA agent on the edge.
    SS: Do you remember uncle Pino?
    DJ: Sorry, so Storm Trucker…
    SS: Uncle Pino gets this wise guy, hit him, bing, bang, boom, and stuck him in the trunk.
    DJ: Sorry, isn’t that a line from Out for Justice?
    SS: So the Viet Kong hearded us into these bamboo cages…we were up to our necks in water the whole time. Snakes, river flukes…but the worst part was when one of the other guys in there took a piss. (Laughs) I was sure glad to get hauled out by the guards every night to play Russian roulette.
    DJ: (Laughs a little) Sounds like something out of the Deer Hunter.
    SS: You tell me…’cause that was just a movie, if you know what I’m sayin’?
    DJ: So Storm Trucker is this broken down, worthless guy, of no more use to humanity…
    SS: Is that what your wife used to call you?

    There is some crazy shit goes on now, when the DJ asshole attacks Sensei, then they cut the sound off.

    That guy was TOAST!

    See loozers, Sensei can defeat you with his mind, not just his body!

    Parrcell.

  61. Parrcell Upshaw
    May 28, 2013 at 2:04 am | #92

    Hey, how’s life in the SLOW lane creeps?

    I just got a freedom of information doc back on Sensei, so pucker up loosers, ’cause here comes the truth train!

    Sensei is listed as STILL active in the CIA, and contrary to what those bozos on the news say, he is still a serving police officer. In fact, he was the officer who went undercover, and even shaved his head, to get the evidence against John Travolta in the massage scandal. Sensei said his blue whale tasted of pineapple, whatever that means.

    Anyways, just to keep you low lives awake, here’s the next part of the interview where Sensei wipes the floor with this guy again. Round two, DING!

    DJ: How’s your wrist now Steven?
    SS: Pain is a reflection within the depth of our own spiritual awareness.
    DJ: But the bone is going to heal, right?
    SS: Only in the eyes of God, will you be judged for your sins against your fellow man.
    DJ: But Steven, you came at me with a knife…
    SS: Have you seen Bobby…anyone here seen Bobby?
    DJ: That’s a line from Out for Justice…the bar scene, right?
    SS: So in this movie I’m gonna shoot in the year, I play a conservationist with a special forces background…
    DJ: And would you happen to be on the edge?
    SS: You didn’t hear that from me, okay?
    DJ: So you’re this character who can’t seem to stay married…
    SS: Damn, Hollywood has so many leaks…
    DJ: No, sorry, I was talking about your personal life.
    SS: Back in the old country, people don’t like that…they show respect.
    DJ: (Laughs) The OLD country? So now you’re the godfather all of a sudden?
    SS: You better watch your mouth…’cause I’m gonna take you to the bank…the BLOOD bank.
    DJ: Whoa, now we got a line from Hard to Kill!
    SS: How’s your wife?

    Asshole DJ cuts the sound then and there. But see how Sensei ripped him a new one with that last question? Sensei doesn’t PLAY mind games, he gets you CHECK MATE!

    Parrcell

  62. Parrcell Upshaw
    May 30, 2013 at 7:48 am | #93

    The truth shall out assholes, and here it is!

    Freedom of Information Act Form 1209A

    Name: Steven Frederic Seagal

    Born: April 10th 1952

    Education: M.I.T, Harvard University, Stanford University (B.A) Yale University (Doctorate)

    Other Experience: Navy SEAL’s (Classified) CIA (Highly classified) Police DEA agent (Classified) P.O.W Vietnam conflict (Highly classified)

    Current undercover assignment: A list Hollywood actor, musician, and animal rights activist

    So you see loosers, Sensei is everything he said he was. You people need to be more like Sensei, an honest guy who gives something BACK to society!

    Parrcell.

  63. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 2, 2013 at 12:38 am | #94

    Ha, ha, just got Sensei’s medical report from when he was wounded after taking down Marcos with a single shot.

    Doc doing the surgery said that one of his three testicles had to be removed due to a gunshot wound he sustained during his escape from the KILL ZONE!

    THREE TESTICLES!

    How do ya like THEM apples?!

    Parrcell.

  64. Chun
    June 2, 2013 at 1:31 am | #95

    Who in the hell is this ADam guy who look like the chinese person. So funny he look likes my grandfurther here in the taiwan! Steevan sugall came here two year ago to teeching us the dim mac (deth touches) I try on my cat and now its cant walk so good

    gReate websites. I have to go out to rape now
    the rapeseed oil plant grows on myy farms so fast

    九区しく九九九九組み耳ha,ha,ha

    Chun Zi Whan!

  65. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 2, 2013 at 4:05 pm | #96

    Word on the street is…Billy Blanks and his Boot Camp has a new rival!

    I shouldn’t even be talking about this, but Sensei has a NEW series of exercise DVD’s coming out soon!

    Check this out fatty, fatty, fatties!

    Loose five pounds a day, yes, five pounds a day!

    Vol 1. Jazzkido ($37.99 plus shipping)
    Vol 2. Aikidosize ($37.99 plus shipping)
    Vol 3. Kamikaze Abs ($2.99 free shipping)
    Vol 4. Cookkido-Planning your diet the easy way ($1.50 free shipping within Canada)
    Vol 5. Aikidossage-Massage techniques for the infirm of Oriental backgrounds ($100.00)
    Vol 6. Babysitterosize-No better workout ($0.00 just call me at 005*******)

    Can’t wait, Parrcell!

  66. Vincent Appleton
    June 3, 2013 at 4:15 am | #97

    Dear Mr. Upshaw,
    would it be possible to order the full set at a discount rate? I have a great deal of unwanted fat around my hind quarters, deep pock marks in the same region, and am due to embark on a six month cruise with my wife, during which time I may be forced to wear a tight fitting bathing costume.

    This is a rather personal matter, and as the local M.P for Brighthopeshore West, I would rather keep the transaction between ourselves.

    Yours with the utmost sincerity, Vincent Appleton.

  67. Vincent Appleton
    June 5, 2013 at 4:27 am | #98

    Hi Mr. Upshaw,
    I received the DVD’s, but I have an issue with volume 6, as myself, and my babysitter have received severe carpet burns, and he has threatened to return to his orphanage in Thailand to continue his third grade studies.

    Is a refund possible?

    And again, if we might keep this between us, I would be most appreciative.

    Vincent.

  68. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 5, 2013 at 2:59 pm | #99

    Refund, huh?!

    Your email was sent on to Sensei, who said that the OTHER device you ordered had FREE batteries, lubricating oil, and a two page manual.

    Yes, this is between us. Client privalarge etc.

    As for the carpet burns, Sensei has agreed to send you, FREE, a bottle of his special water blessed by himself under a waterfall in Tebet!

    Parrcell.

  69. RW Stoufus
    June 6, 2013 at 6:29 pm | #100

    Attack Force is easily one of the Greatest Movies of all time!!
    It’s right up there with Belly Of The Beast (I only rented it because I thought it was a Biopic)

  70. RW Stoufus
    June 6, 2013 at 6:34 pm | #101

    As a lifelong Martial Artist I can attest that See-GULLS fabrications about “Fighting Yakuza AND being an operative were stolen from the Life of a man named Dan Ivan who was a Karate Expert living in Japan and a REAL Bad Fucker!! On his worst day Ivan would have wiped his ass with Segal.

  71. RW Stoufus
    June 6, 2013 at 8:28 pm | #102

    Seagull has proven his expertise by winning of brutal fights. Most were against Kelly LeBrock.

  72. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 7, 2013 at 12:27 am | #103

    Yo, yo, yo!

    Latest news moronz!

    Sensei just took down a drug lord in an unspecified country, in his new reality TV series, Undercover Cops!

    The takedown went like this:

    SS: (Whispers to team) Get ready to breach.
    Rookie Cop: Sorry, breach…breach what? Is this like a castle we is tryin’ to enter?
    SS: Where’s the script…where the fff…okay…I need eyes in the room.
    Rookie Cop: Sorry, err…
    SS: One shot, one kill.
    Rookie Cop: So his speeding ticket is…
    SS: A machete is what I need right now…cold steel.
    Rookie Cop: Why are you rubbing yourself there?
    SS: Prepare for a full breach.
    Rookie Cop: Hey, leave my pants alone!
    SS: Say you’re the new babysitter…oohhhh…say it…mmmm…
    Rookie Cop: Aagghh!
    Director: Cut!

    Asshole director cut the take before the bust…amachore punk biatch!

    Parrcell.

    PsS. Part tWo is comin up when youtoob stop blockin my acount!

  73. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 7, 2013 at 12:31 pm | #104

    RW Stoufus :
    Seagull has proven his expertise by winning of brutal fights. Most were against Kelly LeBrock.

    Sensei decided to put his kids before himself asshole!

    Parrcell.

    • Matt
      March 3, 2014 at 1:47 am | #105

      Haha I can’t quite decide what’s funnier…segals bullshit claims or the even more delusional claims of his 40+ year old fans lying in his stead. While wanking in their mothers basement. Please keep posting as its the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.

  74. Where he at?
    June 8, 2013 at 3:29 am | #106

    Hahahaha. And guess what, Steve-O is now in relations with Prime Minister Putin and he danced a traditional dance at the Chechen province 5 hours ago. Another ridiculous yet funny move again by mah,homie, ryt? Hahaha!!!!

  75. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 8, 2013 at 12:14 pm | #107

    Where he at? :
    Hahahaha. And guess what, Steve-O is now in relations with Prime Minister Putin and he danced a traditional dance at the Chechen province 5 hours ago. Another ridiculous yet
    funny move again by mah,homie, ryt? Hahaha!!!!

    Sensei knows Vladimer from the old days when they did wet work, so don’t go there.

    Sensei was there back in the day doing black ops for the Kremlin!

    I pity you fools who thinks you know Sensei like he’s your cousin!

    Parrcell.

  76. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 13, 2013 at 4:08 am | #108

    You peeple need help? Sensei provides!

    Sensei is now doin a Blues tour to honor the greatest ones of all time!

    His tour begins in California, where he’s gonna play Thriller on a banjo, with fifty, yeah, fifty Aikido guys in the background acting like zombies!

    Next he is gonna be in Vegas singing ‘My Way’ along with the ‘Seagal Hooyaas’, his backing group made up of the Navy Seal’s he trained in Nam.

    Last off, Sensei is booked to tour Central Park, to deal out some pain to some punk ass muggers…he, he, he, just goofing around guys.

    The DVD’s are gonna be available after the tour is over.

    Peace out, Parrcell

  77. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 14, 2013 at 5:04 am | #109

    Hooooyaaah! Sensei is back on taaah grid!

    New reality show called Conspiracy Agenda!

    Sensei went undercover in Area 51, and found out that cloning of dead military veterans, like in Universal Soldier is real!

    These are his secret recordings.

    SS: So you got a nice facility here.
    Asshole General: Bigger than the whole MacDonald’s chain combined, huh, huh, huh.
    SS: Do you remember Uncle Pino?
    Asshole General: Say again son.
    SS: Err, research facility, right?
    Asshole General: Hell boy, you is sweatin’ like a hundred pound hog on a spit roast.
    SS: Yeah, I was just havin’ a few flashbacks about my days in Nam…the CIA…ya know?
    Asshole General: I sure know about that son…what unit did you say you was in?
    SS: The CIA…the Pheonix Program…Operation, err, Desert Eagle.
    Asshole General: Never heard of that one…anyways, here’s the cloned soldiers I was tellin’ you about. Shoot ‘em in the head, they wont stay dead…heh, heh, heh!
    SS: Do you have a babysitter?
    Asshole General: Are you some kinda undercover reporter?
    SS: Have you seen Bobby?
    Asshole General: Bobby the alien who crash landed his craft in Rosswell, and we’ve had in storage ever since?
    SS: Bobby…how ’bout you tough guy…have you seen Bobby?
    Asshole General: Son, you sure sound familiar.
    SS: That’s because I am General…I’m the glimmer man…first there’s a glimmer…then you’re dead!
    Asshole General: I got that sucker on DVD…holy crap, you’re Jean Claude Van Damm!

    Damned mic gets cut off at this point…asshole military!

    Parrcell.

  78. Lax
    June 14, 2013 at 11:35 pm | #110

    LMAO! excellent analysis, very readable, very funny, and seems spot on! wow, this is an example of an article that is fact-based, well-researched and so enjoyable! sort of like a cross between The Economist and Mad magazine! :-)

  79. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 15, 2013 at 4:39 am | #111

    Live Aid 2013!

    Whoah!!! Sensei is gettin a concert together to raise money for Syria!

    He’s gonna play for nine hours straight on a zither, then sing Nature Boy (Nat King Cole) Blue Hawaii, then his own three hour classic, ‘Fatal Retraction’.

    Got some lyrics from the track, copyright 2013.

    Baby…whoah baby…sitter of mine,
    she’s gone, back to Japan, to a shrine.
    Just touch that forearm, you see what I mean,
    under this outer look, I’m ripped and lean.

    Touch my guitar, with the softest touch,
    my mouth organ wants to touch you so much.
    Oh Kelly, you Le Brock my heart,
    get me a babysitter quick, and then we’ll part.

    Sensei izz jammin good!

    CD’s are comin’ out for Christmas soon!

    Parrcell, M.C in da house!

  80. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 15, 2013 at 12:29 pm | #112

    Lax :
    LMAO! excellent analysis, very readable, very funny, and seems spot on! wow, this is an example of an article that is fact-based, well-researched and so enjoyable! sort of like a cross between The Economist and Mad magazine!

    You know Jack!

    Truth is, Sensei saw the BODY!

    They call ‘em greys?

    Go fish!

    They technologically they got puts us in the shade!

    This is part two of the interview.

    SS: So, drop a coin…
    Asshole General: That was what you said to the boy selling water on the street in Out for Justice, right?
    SS: So when I wrote my latest movie, Eastern Europe Red Chopper Down…
    Asshole General: This is the body we retrieved from the craft.
    SS: I seen guys like this in Nam.
    Asshole General: This is an alien…
    SS: Yeah, an illegal alien…Alaska…what do you know about the illegal drilling?
    Asshole General: Hey son, steady on tugging at his groin like that…
    SS: I starred alongside Sharon Stone!
    Asshole General: Did she have her legs crossed?
    SS: (Laughs) Hell no…she was my babysitter, he, he, he
    Asshole General: Come this way, I got som WMD’s ta show ya…and we take Mastercard!

    Weerd stuff, but the truth is out there!

    Parrcell

  81. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 16, 2013 at 4:37 am | #113

    Hi people, this is ass breaking news!

    Some babysitter has released a sex tape of her and Sensei in a steam filled sauna!

    What was she thinkin?!

    During the ACT, the following was heard:

    Babysittter: Oh my god, it’s so…
    SS: Yes, I get that all the time…
    Babysitter: No, but it just came off in my hand!
    SS: Oh, look, you dropped the coconut fragrance oil!
    Babysitter: Oh, gross!
    SS: You tugged it too hard…YOU caused the sudden release!
    Babysitter: (Cries) I never knew it was a wig.

    B.S quality, couldn’t see a damned thing ’cause of the steam!

    Parrcell

  82. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 16, 2013 at 2:18 pm | #114

    Season of tha ritch is here!

    Sensei appeared on who wants to be a celebrity millionare?

    Sensei is a multi BILLION dollarronair!

    Question: What is a type of whiskey named after an animal?
    1: Porky Shagger
    2: Lunge Sheep Humper
    3: White Horse
    4: Tranqualized Hermit Crab?
    SS: I need to call Uncle Pino…beep, yeah…you know a whiskey called White Horse?
    Host: So is White Horse your final answer?
    SS: I’ll take the money…
    Host: Is the correct answer!
    Question two: What is the name of your current stuntman?
    1: Sergio Pormiguez
    2:Ramone Forhitetah
    3: Sven Borskov
    4: Hank Smith
    And remember, you’re playing for one million dollars for a babysitter’s charity.
    SS: I’d say, (Coughs a little as he speaks) Sergramonborshanksmith
    Host: Is the correct answer.
    Question: Who killed JFK?
    1: Lee Jyvey Osmond
    2: That guy what said squeal, piggy, squeal
    3: That guy from the X Files who had a nad sack what you could see from a mile away
    4: Take the trillion dollars to protect national security?
    SS: I’ll go for option four…God bless America!

  83. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 18, 2013 at 5:56 pm | #115

    Hooooooooo!

    New product gents!

    PeniSEAL Viagra!

    Sensei got this stuff into production last month!

    Whooahhhyahhhh!

    FDA approved, free shipping, so order now!

    Parrcell, can’t wait, my latest babysitter gonna be stoked!

    • RW Stoufus
      June 18, 2013 at 8:52 pm | #116

      I would whip both your ass & your “Faggot Ass Buddy” Senseless!!

  84. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 19, 2013 at 4:57 am | #117

    RW Stoufus :
    I would whip both your ass & your “Faggot Ass Buddy” Senseless!!

    Ain’t no faggots around here BUDDY, expect YOU!

    I spoke to Sensei about you, and he laughed!

    Little do you know that he’s got a whole bunch a MOCK porn movies planned, because he says it’s a way to find the desire within the human race to discover the link with the eternal self knowing spirit!

    Here’s the list bonehead. Read ‘em and weap!

    Fast and Sperminous
    Shaving Private Ryan
    No Country For Cold Men
    Above The Jaw
    Mission Insertable
    The Men Who Stare At Scrotes
    The Good, The Bad, And The Fudgy
    Fisting Full Of Dollars
    The Gay Team
    Rambone
    Black Pork Down
    The Porn Identity
    SeX Men
    The Towering Inspermo

    See loosers, Sensei can give comedy, as well as GREAT action!

    Parrcell

    • RW Stoufus
      June 19, 2013 at 5:15 pm | #118

      Get a Life You Fucking Loser!! This thread has BEEN dead and only you don’t know it.

  85. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 19, 2013 at 5:36 pm | #119

    Ha, cant spell LOOSER?

    Assclown!

    Parcell

  86. Ken Burke
    June 19, 2013 at 11:12 pm | #120

    Steven Sehgal spelt sideways is L-O-S-E-R.

  87. Parrcell Upshaw
    June 20, 2013 at 6:14 am | #121

    RW Stoufus :
    Get a Life You Fucking Loser!! This thread has BEEN dead and only you don’t know it.

    I showed this garbage to Sensei after training last night, and he split his sides laughing!

    He said, “How within this reality of not only our own existance, but of the things around us, which continue to live, could a thread be dead? And why, if it were, would anyone waste a moment of their life, which is so short, to even comment on it?”

    Then he lit some incense, prayed for a moment, looked skyward, and said, “Tell that assshole to go fuck himself!”

    Peace out for good, Parrcell.

  88. Bobby
    July 9, 2013 at 10:23 pm | #122

    THAT was the best read I have had in months!!!! I read it three times and am still laughing!!! My favourite lines are”effort like a narcoleptic snail” and “contagious anal rash of a movie “! LOL!!! You sir are brilliant! You should seriously put all your material on the giant snail into a book format! I would be first in line for an autographed copy!!!! Well done! as an aside, I met the giant jagoff after one of his shows with Thunderbox. He was bloated, huge, looked out of it, spoke at a whipser, and looked bored as hell being surrounded by what i would have to say was quite a sad little group of losers (yes tragically I was in the fray). I am a professional musician and remember during the show two things that really stood out (and neither one was his playing). 1) he would jump up and land in a pose that was the equivalent of dropping a tripple coiler on stage (which the performance certainly reflected) and 2) the musician all looked scared of the guy (in particular the very attractive female singer…I think we can all see why now!). He is and always will be a phony but DAMN HE IS FUNNY!!!!!! And I guess now he can work with Anderson in the movies together (it appears his training was not as brilliant as it was in the past…forget the front kick, make fun out of him till he falls down laughing). Backfired strategy to say the least! Well done Steven.

    • July 14, 2013 at 12:49 pm | #123

      Thanks Bobby, I appreciate your comment. I would love nothing more than to publish a more detailed and augmented version of Seagal’s ridiculousness in book form but due to Seagal’s notoriously litigious nature, that would unfortunately result in one cuntload of a lawsuit towards me.

      I can only offer my condolences at having to endure a full concert of Seagal and Thunderbox, though I’m gonna have to try and get a ticket for one of the fatman’s shows in the near future so I can write a detailed report of the experience (similar to a war correspondent braving the dangers abroad in some 3′rd world shithole).

      And yeah, Anderson Silva fucked up by being a clownish asshole towards Weidman. I wonder where he learned how to do that?

  89. 777
    July 11, 2013 at 3:17 pm | #124

    Parrcell YOU SAD LIFELESS PATHETIC CUNT!

  90. G1rlVeteran
    July 12, 2013 at 5:10 am | #125

    Parrcell, for fuck’s sake! You feeble minded, illiterate, faggoty fucktard! Did your parents have any kids that lived? I have heard of egotists who love to hear themselves talk (I.E. Steven Seagal) but you are the first ass-hat I have seen that seems to love to see himself type! You comment on your comments that were commented on your comments! Now catch this tasty bit of truth you fucking nippledick, Steven Seagal is the biggest poser, fat ass, no talent assclown ever to grace the set of a grade B movie. I mean, really??? Do you proofread your comments or is all that fine command of the English language just off the cuff? Your spellcheck called, it wants its dignity back. Hey, the 70′s called Seagal’s house, they want all of their ugly, rotten, shag carpet back that he’s been masquerading around as his hair. Fucking idiot! By the way you cheap dime store piece of shit, “loser” is spelled with one “O”. Perhaps that was a Freudian slip in reference to that cock dart board of an anus “Sensei” has… “looser”…. haaaaaaa you sorry clit hood. Tell Sensei to get the sand out of his cunt and man up to a real challenge…. weight watchers!!!!!

  91. July 24, 2013 at 12:49 am | #126

    Just now seeing this. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. It’s so true!

  92. randy
    August 13, 2013 at 4:22 am | #127

    Dude.you are so funny.just watched his show on Netflix…found your site..laughed till I cried.

  93. douglasjbender
    August 28, 2013 at 2:32 am | #128

    After reading this hilarious two-part article, I am happy to say I have never (before just now) watched more than a few seconds of Steven Seagal doing or saying anything. I simply couldn’t stand the guy from the moment I saw or heard him. Just loathed him, because his character (brilliantly summarized here in this artivcle) oozed from his every pore. I’m glad to finally find confirmation of my opinion of him.

  94. Tony
    August 28, 2013 at 7:46 pm | #129

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time……I have no doubt its true…lol

  95. September 7, 2013 at 5:23 am | #130

    All I have to say about this entry is, well done sir! Steven Seagal is nothing more than a culture stealing butt pipe! I swear the only person to perfectly execute an impersonation of this clown is Will Sasso. You can find some old MadTV clips of Will impersonating Steven and his douchebag behavior on YouTube. How in the blue hell did Steven Seagal make it so far in life? Did he let every director and producer rub their balls on his shag carpet hair-do? Or did he let them pick a fold on his fat body and let them f**k it?

  96. September 7, 2013 at 9:35 am | #131

    I am eternally grateful to have found so many kindred spirits in my now life-long passion for the mockery of the blatant all-hattery of this turd burglar….. God bless you all for brightening an otherwise too early Saturday morning!

  97. September 15, 2013 at 8:21 pm | #133

    “Galacticlly” funny in every way…Sagal is at best one of our greatest comedians.

  98. therock4818
    November 6, 2013 at 2:19 am | #134

    Wow! This article was epic bro. Fucking hysterical.

  99. William driver
    November 10, 2013 at 5:13 am | #135

    You need to make part three. Don’t forget to mention he helped Pres Putin of Russia (another crazy guy) develop a physical education program in Russia. Seagal is a obviously a workout in the gym kind of guy. I am right? Lol

    Good fun reading this plenty of comedy gold in this!
    Will D
    From USA

    • William driver
      November 10, 2013 at 5:16 am | #136

      Oh yeah I forgot several years ago I bet 4 dollars to drink a can of his
      Energy drink. I won 4 bucks. I
      Could not sit down for three hours. Most note worthy thing to keep in mind is the “Cherry” flavored one tastes like fucking ass.

  100. Stevan
    November 11, 2013 at 9:08 pm | #137

    Great read & great laughs! I wonder if between junk food binges “fat fuck” seagal ever reads these message boards. He’s so fucking fat when he sits to take a fucking shit the rolls of his aikido lard just hang to the ground like pols of fermented discharge. Seagal your a fucking ugly fat bald stinking fucking fuck!

    • December 9, 2013 at 3:31 pm | #138

      OMG! I just read this comment and I think I just took a “Stephan” in my pants and need to wipe my “Seagal”!

  101. rev
    December 3, 2013 at 7:28 pm | #139

    Superb, anyone seen the fight scene, where the fat cunt cannot even be bothered to get off his seat!!

    • December 4, 2013 at 11:20 am | #140

      I was so distracted by his polyester excuse for hair that fact flew by me until just now! Sublime, thank you for the enlightening, grotesque, and absurd display of his supreme mulletudeness!

  102. rev
    December 3, 2013 at 7:29 pm | #141

  103. steph
    December 7, 2013 at 5:25 am | #142

    I’m a little surprised that no one has speculated on what a small dick he has. I know, I know, totally cliche but seriously he acts like he has a small man complex and we can all seen that his night and girth wouldn’t cause that. I bet the man couldn’t even see his penis when he still gave a fuck and didn’t look like a bloated walrus. Just sayin

    • December 9, 2013 at 3:29 pm | #143

      Regardless of it being cliche Steph, you have definitely brought up an extremely valid point, in my humble opinion. In fact, I too am shocked that nobody else brought this important information to the for-front before now. Well played, mi’ lady, well played!

  104. steph
    December 7, 2013 at 5:26 am | #144

    * see *height

  105. rev
    December 16, 2013 at 11:36 pm | #145

    a few seagal jokes, hope you like,

    “I can see why Steven Seagal is so feared.

    I’d be scared to death of the fat cunt sitting on me”

    “Osama Bin Laden dead.

    In other news, Steven Seagal returns from vacation in Pakistan.”

    ” Steven Seagal Named In $1m Sex Lawsuit

    ………this could be an interesting film.”

    • December 17, 2013 at 3:39 pm | #146

      HAAAA…. just be sure no one misunderstands and thinks Seagal actually killed Bin Laden with his killer fighting skills….lol

  106. Stevenseagullslunch
    January 1, 2014 at 7:48 pm | #147

    This was the funniest thing I’ve read in years please do a part three

  107. Tobyg
    January 9, 2014 at 12:27 pm | #148

    One of the funniest articles I’ve read in years. I’ll be laughing for days! I’m off to watch today you die!!!

  108. Loan Wolf
    January 15, 2014 at 9:51 am | #149

    Sensei for Prez!

    Loan Wolf!

    • January 23, 2014 at 11:14 am | #150

      Hilarious video. If Seagal took on a position in government it would result in an avalanche of new comedy for the masses. Fatboy as governor of Arizona? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

      • March 27, 2014 at 7:36 pm | #151

        I’ve read only the first couple paragraphs of part 1 but,,,,,,,GREAT, HILARIOUS, FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL, ENTERTAINING are the first few words that come to mind. I thought I was in the minority of those who can’t stand this guy….happily, I am wrong. Keep the entertainment coming!!!

    • Izi
      February 25, 2014 at 4:23 am | #152

      Ok, I tried but I only made it 3 minutes in. Firstly what is with the sunglasses? Secondly, the whole concept of a Hollywood face representing America in some meaningful way is ridiculous. That goes out also to Jane Fonda, George Clooney, Angeline Jolie, Bono and of course the latest monumental idiot Dennis Rodman.
      It s so obviously a moment of personal ego stroking that it naturally can’t be taken seriously. Everything is ALWAYS an attempt at career building and vanilla flavored narcissim.
      Oh well upwards and onwards. After Mr Segal there will be others.

  109. Whyis Itso
    January 20, 2014 at 11:32 am | #153

    I loved your article – have been telling my step mother that this “man” is a total wanker for decades! But she still loves him to death *ugh*. By the way, a ‘thunderbox’ is a smelly, backward long-drop outhouse in Australia! It seems evident that his music would be right at home in one of those! Lulz!

  110. Lol@upshaw
    February 2, 2014 at 4:54 pm | #154

    Lol, this article is utterly brilliant. I have never liked the guy from the first movie just because of his bad acting and his face that looks like he is about to crap ( I wonder what his face looks like when he actually is haha). Btw the fanboys got to be disillusioned as him and I loled about the reincarnation of the lama and being a active CIA or FBI agent. Keep up the articles that lighten up people’s day even if they are having a bad one!

  111. February 7, 2014 at 4:25 pm | #155

    Holy crap, people out there love to spread hate. Some of this may be true, some of it may not be true. Who the hell cares? For viewers like us its all heresay, and if you believe everything you read, then you probably believe everything Fox tells you as well. For Christ sake, this is some losers blog, who probably lives in his mothers basement, jacking off to old porno mags from the 70′s. It takes a special sort of loser in life to go out of his way to focus negatively on another man. Right Adam?

    I only judge Steven from his movies- some are awesome, and some are down right horrible. But Steven Segal is the man. His “unprecedented level of lethargy”, as you put it, is signature. Nobody has done it like he has. And in that right the man is a legend cause his lack of caring is done only in a way he can. Many have tried, or perhaps didn’t try, lol, and failed.

    Long live Steven Segal :)

    • March 4, 2014 at 1:53 am | #156

      I love Steven Seagal for the fact that he can easily breastfeed himself, when no food is available. That alone makes him one awesome MOFO!

  112. Izi
    February 25, 2014 at 4:13 am | #157

    RobV :
    Fire Down Below is a classic. It features all of the elements necessary to create a horrible Seagal movie. He even runs a little bit all the while wearing some giant leather jacket and shedding a tear for the fine people of Appalchia. There is a scene where he comes out of a cabin and walks down the steps doing an impression of an ape…although he didn’t know it was an impression. Jesus that movie was totally horribly awesome.

    It was at this point in the history of Steven Seagall movies I bailed. I liked his movies up to this point. The silliness of this movie which just seemed to be a vehicle for some half baked ecology statement did my head in. I am all for saving the earth but not this way FFS.

  113. Jadmix
    February 26, 2014 at 10:54 pm | #158

    Great article,

    Lol@upshaw :
    ( I wonder what his face looks like when he actually is haha)

    Although you were thinking it, you should not of said out loud.

    Why did Richie kill Bobby Lupo.

  114. Ralph
    April 3, 2014 at 3:05 am | #159

    Hey Adam, Adam shmadam!

    Sensei didn’t grudge fuck no underage prom queen here in Brooklyn!

    Get your facts straight asshole, ’cause it was in the Bronx!

    Check your facts next time!

    Ralph Mickelstein.

  115. Sun Wai Mook Mayor of Mai Bak
    April 17, 2014 at 2:33 pm | #160

    Two days ago Steven, or in Korea we say Zan Dushu Beg, was here for music tour and the spiritual enlightenment for our people here in Mai Bak.

    He came all over Mai Bak many times before, but this time he was here on a mission to bring satisfaction, he had to pull out prematurely and shoot off back somewhere else.

    He is a good human being who tells truth, and only jerks off those who jerk him off such as truck drivers who rear end him.

    I wish more of us could be like Steven, and spread the seed of joy to all who are unwilling at first, but overcome that because of the powerful domination he has within his huge heart, and strong fists.

    Peace, Sun Wai Mook.

  1. March 13, 2014 at 9:02 am | #1

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